Why Did God Make Me this Way?

“Why did God make me this way?” I knew the question would eventually come and I had prayed about how I would answer it. When my seven-year-old son with Spina Bifida finally asked me that question one evening as I was helping him in the bathroom, I gave him the only answer I could think of that was not a lie. “I don’t know, son.”

Of course, I could have gone into some theological rationalization and told him all about how God was going to use his infirmity to bless others—but in fact, He already had—as hundreds prayed for Henry for the weeks and months leading up to his birth and through the four years of surgeries which had followed. Somehow, though, I didn’t think that response would bring him much comfort. So, I decided to sit with him in the question. I decided not to minimize his pain. I decided not to explain away his disease by making it some part of a gigantic cosmic puzzle God was working.

I have come to believe we who call ourselves Christians are too quick to come up with explanations at times like these. I have also come to believe we do not place enough value in the ministry of presence: either our own or God’s. The only thing I know for sure is God loves us, cherishes us. I know He is present with us—on every mountaintop and in every valley. I do believe He is constantly at work—reconciling, redeeming, and working in and through us to make something beautiful out of our brokenness. I even believe sometimes God heals miraculously. I can’t explain it and, quite frankly, I don’t feel the need to. It’s not my call to make.

Many who prayed for our son before he was born prayed for a total healing. Some told us if we prayed hard enough and prayed the right things, he would be healed. To harbor any doubt would show a lack of faith and result in our son not receiving a touch by God. Now any parent will tell you they would dress in a clown suit and eat Brussels sprouts three meals a day if they thought it would mean their child would be healed. However, to add to the almost unendurable road of walking with a severely ill child, the potential for guilt because of thinking your lack of faith kept him from being healed—well, that’s bad theology, not to mention just plain cruel and something that leaves no room for grace.

The doctors at Vanderbilt University offered us a first-of-its-kind intrauterine surgery to repair our son’s spine. I wanted to do it. My wife didn’t. We decided to move forward and pray if it wasn’t the right choice, God would stop it. When we went in for the initial ultrasound, the doctors told us they were sorry, but the placenta had moved into a position that made the surgery impossible. Ultimately, we prayed for healing, but also prayed if he were not to be healed, we would have the courage to handle whatever came. After our son was born, we were relieved to find he didn’t have many of the complications that usually accompany Spina Bifida. He had no water on the brain and did not need a shunt. He would prove to be one of the rare kids with Spina Bifida who walks.

The people who qualified for the surgery and ultimately went through with it wound up with a child who did not do as well. Is that because we prayed more rightly than they did? Is that because we loved our child more than they loved theirs? Or because God loved our child more? I don’t believe any of those things. What I do believe is God hears prayer. What I do believe is God desires a genuine relationship with us. And what I believe most of all is that God is not afraid of our questions, and even our anger when we have to walk a crooked road.

Steve Siler is Founder and Director of Music for the Soul, a multi-award-winning ministry using songs and stories to bring the healing and hope of Christ to people in deep pain. Music for the Soul is a community of professional musicians, therapist, pastors, and ministry leaders committed to offering life-giving resources to those whose hearts are hungry for understanding, self-worth, wholeness, and peace. An accomplished songwriter and music producer, Steve has had over 550 of his songs recorded. He won the Dove Award for Inspirational Song of the Year with I Will Follow Christ. His nine #1 and 45 top-ten songs include Circle of Friends and Not Too Far from Here. Steve has spoken at the National Right to Life Convention, the American Association of Christian Counselors, and the National Center on Sexual Exploitation Summit among others. He has authored two books: The Praise & Worship Devotional and Music for the Soul, Healing for the Heart: Lessons from a Life in Song. See more at www.musicforthesoul.org/

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