It took just 18 days from the time my wife told me she wanted to date other men to the day she walked out of the family. On that first day, I had no idea this would become the defining adventure of my life. I was suddenly a single dad in the early ’90s and raising three young children. Even now, I can recall every moment of that day. How would I tell my children that their mother would no longer live with us? As a ministry leader, how would I muster explaining to my board and leadership what had happened? How would they respond—and how would I battle the stigma of being divorced in a Christian ministry culture?
Some 100 million Americans have a step-relationship, and yet churches broadly do a poor job of ministering to or supporting blended families. I would quickly discover in my own journey that the churches often stopped at “recovery” for those in the midst of divorce. There was little or no guidance for remarriage, when the time came, or parenting in a blended family. And that was in the 1990s. Today, the statistics reveal most of our congregants are touched by divorce, remarriage, and step-relationships—if not in their own immediate family, certainly in their extended family networks.
The U.S. Bureau of Census states that nearly 1,300 new stepfamilies are formed each day. The average marriage in America lasts seven years. One of every two marriages ends in divorce, and more than 50 percent of U.S. families are remarried or re-coupled. More than half of the 60 million children under age 13 currently live with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner (from www.stepfamily.org). According to the Stepfamily Foundation’s research, more than 60 percent of divorced fathers visit their children because they do not legally “reside” with their fathers. So, neither government nor academic research includes these fathers and their children as stepfamilies! The father may be a single dad, but most likely he is re-coupled or remarried, thus creating a stepfamily. These children shuttle between their parents’ homes, radically increasing the numbers of stepfamilies, leaving fathers ignored and uncounted. Two-thirds of stepfamilies complain of “not having access to resources as a stepfamily,” according to a recent Stepfamily Foundation survey of 2,000 web questionnaire respondents.
So, how can the Church come alongside blended families? A place to start is by reframing our language and mindset. We often refer to a “broken” family, but we should challenge ourselves to help people move away from a mindset that their family is broken. Rather, we should strive toward the idea of a blended family that can be vibrant, healthy, and full of love and life.
Churches often tell an incomplete story when it comes to the blended family, and worse, typically fail to offer resources or opportunities for connection beyond divorce recovery. Evaluate your church’s ministries and programs through the lens of how many speak to and minister to those families. Churches have a role in helping parents blend all the diverse personalities of the newly formed family. How do you lead a family which now involves influences and modeling different from your own?
As coaches, mentors, small group leaders, pastors, and lay leaders, there are some key principles and practical tools on this journey of coming alongside blended families:
- There is typically a time of great pain and trauma before the new blended family was formed. In most cases, this pain has never truly been dealt with and sorted.
- A big step forward in blended families is to help family members park the pain struggles of the past. Otherwise, these painful memories and bad habits often move forward into the new relationships.
- There are memories from the day the original family fractured that will stay with family members.
- Later, children may act out due to memories and experiences that trace back to the day their lives were disrupted.
- There are “triggers” which will take family members back to these painful times and memories.
- It might be a meal, a trip, or a movie. Many things can trigger a person to go back to past pain.
- Sometimes this trigger causes a person to revisit their failures or disappointment as though it is very present.
- Many face a (perceived or real) “stigma” of divorce, remarriage, and blended families inside their church.
- Recognize how the very institution many families have turned to has failed them in finding a place of belonging.
- The mere statistics of this growing demographic is a call to our churches to equip leaders and coaches to mentor people in blended families.
- Recognize the people we are mentoring have not had access to church resources like the traditional family does.
- How can we meet these families at their point of need and offer real solutions?
It is my prayer and strong belief that church and ministry leaders can set a course of change for blended families and provide a much-needed playbook for those seeking to help this amazing family system. In fact, the future health of the larger body of Christ is tied to it. We hope you will be inspired to look at how you serve these families in a new way—moving from broken to blended and strong.
Tim Smith, MA, has over 35 years of experience with nonprofit organizations in administration, management, and fund development. He has also served as a Development Officer in nonprofit organizations and Executive Pastor for two megachurches. Tim recently served as Chief Development Officer for the Museum of the Bible and is the Founder and President of NonProfit DNA, a development and consulting agency. He is married to Olivia, and they share a total of six children. Tim is the author of Donors Are People Too: Managing Relationships with Your Ministry’s Major Contributors, a book on the art of personal relationship with donors, and What Have I Gotten Myself Into, released in 2019. See more at: www.blendednotbroken.org
