Personally, I know the pain of a broken relationship—the hurt, the heartache, and, oh the agony! Yes, I know the longing for a restored relationship—for pure heart-to-heart connection—only to have reconciliation denied. No matter how hard I tried or how much I prayed, the relationship was never restored. And it took years for my heart to heal.
However, I also know the intentional commitment to achieve a reconciled relationship—with wrongs fully forgiven, hurts wholly healed, and the pain of the past remaining completely in the past. I consider a reconciled relationship a gift from God—a gift of grace from the God of all grace.
The Keys to Lasting Reconciliation
This kind of reconciliation doesn’t “just happen.” Lasting reconciliation requires a commitment of both quality time and quantity time within the relationship. This kind of focused attention involves:
- processing the pain from the past,
- changing wrong attitudes and actions,
- forgiving what was fracturing, and
- rebuilding a new relationship based on renewed trust.
Lasting reconciliation requires a commitment of both quality time and quantity time within the relationship.
Years ago, my mother’s secretary whispered, “June, I think you need to see this.” She handed me my sister’s doctoral dissertation. Within moments I read: “My mother and sister are the epitome of everything I do not want to be.” Well, I knew I was not my sister’s favorite person, but why the animosity? I simply could not understand her anger. Yet when she spoke angrily to my mother (or about her), I felt silently angry! Often, I tried to defend Mother, although my defense never worked.
Over the years, I have sought to stay on safe topics, avoiding the two “hot potatoes”—politics and religion. Occasionally my two sisters and I have insightful talks about our dysfunctional family growing up. (They are four and five years younger than I and aligned in most of their views.) One day the younger said words to this effect, “There’s a reason I cannot accept Christianity like you and Mother. The Christian teaching on submission is wrong. Mom submitted to Dad, yet look how he mistreated her!”
Of course, I agreed, abuse is always wrong—certainly according to the Bible. Still, I didn’t know how to bridge the gap between us—how to find the road to reconciliation for us. Meanwhile, when my intelligent, winsome sister became a US Ambassador, I flew to our nation’s capital for her swearing-in ceremony and wrote a fun song for the occasion. She loved it! Yet, I thought, I can’t really reach her heart. I know she doesn’t respect me. What can I do?
Invest in What She Holds Dear
It’s true, I couldn’t reach her, but I could reach out to those she loves—to her daughter and son. So back in Dallas, I hunted for three kinds of items: funny, “Americana,” and inspirational. I hoped the American-looking gifts would tap into their patriotic pride—especially living so far away from home. (Soon I felt like a Santa with my sacks of inexpensive gifts.) Then I wrote individual notes to go with each gift for my niece and nephew. Eventually, two gift-wrapped remembrances traveled overseas every three weeks for the four years of my sister’s appointment.
During her last year, she surprised me with a letter I will never forget: “Thank you for the kindness you’ve extended to my kids over these past difficult years. The gifts you’ve sent them have helped us stay well-connected to the family. In spite of the miles, the personal interest you’ve shown has been very meaningful to them. Our own relationship has blossomed in recent years—due to your tending. I appreciate this more than I can say.” Clearly, those years of investing in what my sister holds dear paid amazing “dividends” by putting us on the path to reconciliation.
Look for Common Ground
Later, after returning stateside to teach at Harvard, she invited me to speak at her conference: Core Connections – Women, Religion, Politics. Again, I was surprised. What subject should I select for an audience of 200? Obviously, I wanted a topic that connected with her; therefore, I chose Domestic Violence.
The beginning of my presentation was unusual: “Although I am a Christian, I don’t expect anyone else here to be one. However, I want you to write down certain Bible verses that will equip you to help victims of domestic violence—wives who assume they must submit to abusive husbands. Instead, you will help them discover they have a biblical right to move out of harm’s way.” Then I presented Scriptures such as, “Do not associate with one easily angered” and “A hot tempered man must pay the penalty. If you rescue him you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 22:24, 19:19). Ultimately, through this conference, many eyes were opened to the relevance of God’s truth—including the eyes of my sister.
Realize, if we have ruptured relationships with division and divisiveness, we need to discern: What is the stumbling block? Occasionally, I literally ask this question. As with my sister, the biblical teaching “Wives submit to your husbands” was the stumbling block. So I shared with her the words immediately preceding this verse, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Therefore, in the context of marriage, there should be mutual submission (see Ephesians 5:21-22). Then, I made sure she had our published book Domestic Violence—There’s No Excuse for Abuse.
Recently my sister said, “If you love me, love my family,” and she added, “June, you’ve done this. You visited my daughter in the hospital, you took my son into your home helping him find his way, you dedicated your book (Caring for a Loved One with Cancer) to my husband before he died of brain cancer.”
Learn Her Language of Love
Long ago, I recognized my need to learn another’s language of love. Since my sister’s favorite flower is the iris, I gave her an attractive mug adorned with an iris. She plays the harp, so I bought her a CD of soothing hymns on the harp. She also plays the piano, therefore most things musical will ring her bell. She adores Stanley, her green parrot, so I sent “Fascinating Facts on Parrots.” Whether locating items on mountain climbing or empowering women, I enjoy finding anything that speaks her language of love.
Even though we typically “cancel out each other’s votes,” for months we have engaged in “L&L Political Conversations” (her idea—note mine!)—to Listen and Learn from each other. She suggested we each pick one topic to give a 10-minute uninterrupted presentation, concluding with one action step: What I will do. However, these talks mustn’t try to make us adopt each other’s position. I responded, “OK, as long as this won’t rupture our relationship.” At the end of my first presentation, she slowly said, “I have to agree with everything you’ve said—100%.” Amazing! And after her presentation, I admitted, “I didn’t know many of the points you just presented.” It’s listening and it’s learning—and it’s working!
To achieve reconciliation, I look for common ground. I seek to prioritize what is meaningful to my sister, including her initiatives such as fighting Sex Trafficking and Prejudice. In turn, she has given me resources for my writings on both these topics. Today, we have a reconciled relationship (even with our differences)—something I never thought possible. And I must add, what relief, what peace, and what hope for our hearts!
If a reconciled relationship is the desire of your heart, the Bible says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). Notice, it takes two to reconcile a relationship. You cannot force it, but you can pave the way for it. These biblical words have been my aim: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). As you do your part for reconciliation, rest in your relationship with the Lord. You can have a fully reconciled relationship with your Redeemer. Recognize that Jesus is not just “the Prince of Peace,” He will be your peace. When people around you are not peaceful, the Bible says, “He IS our peace” (Ephesians 2:14). With Christ living inside you, you can live in peace because of your reconciled relationship with Him. What could be more important!
June Hunt, MA, is the Founder and Chief Servant Officer of Hope for the Heart, a worldwide counseling and caregiving ministry that offers Biblical hope and practical help in more than 60 countries and 36 languages. The Keys for Living Library provides the foundation for the ministry’s award-winning radio program, Hope in the Night, a live, one-hour, call-in counseling program. Her passion to help others through Biblical counsel is fueled by her joy in seeing a life changed through Christ. As an accomplished author, speaker, and musician, June has been a guest on various national television and radio programs, including the NBC Today show. She has toured overseas with the USO and has been a guest soloist with the Billy Graham Crusades. See more at: www.junehunt.org
