New Year’s Coaching Resolutions
by Igor Cabral on January 1st, 2024
As the clock strikes midnight and we bid farewell to the old year, we begin to reflect on ways we can improve personally and professionally in the new year. As coaches, we find ourselves at the forefront of helping others embrace change, set goals, and navigate life’s challenges. Coaches can also benefit personally from evaluating our own practices and establishing intentions to guide our progress for the next season. Here is a guide to New Year’s resolutions aimed at enhancing our effectiveness and well-being.
- Cultivate continued learning.
Resolution: Commit to ongoing professional development by attending workshops, conferences, and engaging in relevant courses. Stay informed about the latest research, methodologies, and techniques to provide the best support for clients.
- Enhance empathy and active listening skills.
Resolution: Strive to deepen your ability to empathize and actively listen to clients. Take the time to understand their perspectives fully, fostering a safe and trusting environment for open communication.
- Incorporate prayer into your sessions.
Resolution: Integrate prayer into your coaching sessions—either during the sessions if the clients are comfortable with it, or before sessions to prepare your heart and mind. Consider also how important prayer is in your personal daily routine.
- Set boundaries and self-care goals.
Resolution: Recognize the importance of self-care to prevent burnout. Set clear boundaries between work and personal life, and prioritize activities that promote your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Remember, a healthy and balanced coach can provide better support to clients.
- Utilize technology for professional growth.
Resolution: Embrace technology to enhance your coaching practice. Explore new tools, platforms, or apps that can streamline administrative tasks, offer virtual sessions, and facilitate communication with clients.
- Foster collaborative relationships.
Resolution: Cultivate connections with others in your field. Attend networking events, collaborate on projects, and engage in mentoring to exchange insights and support each other’s growth.
- Implement outcome measures.
Resolution: Integrate outcome measures into your practice to track client progress systematically. This will not only help you assess the effectiveness of your interventions but also empower clients by highlighting their achievements.
- Adopt a strengths-based approach.
Resolution: Focus on clients’ strengths and celebrate small wins rather than solely addressing challenges. Encourage a strengths-based mindset in both your clients and yourself to foster resilience and optimism.
Our prayer for you is that the upcoming year would be filled with hope, growth, and meaningful connections.
Christmas Is About Leaving
by Eric Scalise, PHD on December 22nd, 2023
What does Christmas really mean for you? I once read a quote, supposedly made by an eight-year-old girl named Emily. Whether entirely true or not, I still appreciate the thought . . . “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents long enough to just listen.”
As I sat down to write this, my mind wandered back to a Christmas nearly 45 years ago when I was in graduate school. The church I was part of asked me if I would be willing to escort a mother and her three young children all the way to India so she and the kids could be with their missionary father for Christmas. He had been ministering for months in remote villages, bringing the “Good News” to the lost and hungry. We brought presents from the church, but my best gift that year was seeing the joy on the faces of those children when they ran into the arms of their dad.
It suddenly hit me . . . Christmas is about leaving! That was the first and only Christmas I have ever not spent with family members, and yet, it was one of the most deeply significant for me. Let’s look a little closer at the biblical narrative and consider this notion.
The greatest gift in all eternity is found in one of our most beloved Scriptures . . . John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” It was the Father’s love and the Father’s plan, but Jesus had to be willing to leave heaven and come to the earth. Philippians 2:7 says, “. . . He made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” I often wonder what the angels must have thought to see the Creator take on the form of the created, hidden in Mary’s womb, and then as a newborn baby. Why did He leave heaven?
Hebrews 12:2 offers an interesting thought, saying, “For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross.” What was that joy? Was it you and me? Redeemed humanity? I would give an emphatic, “Yes” to those questions. However, if we were to examine the words a little closer, we see that the word “for” in the Greek is “ante,” which can also be translated “instead of.” Let’s reread the verse with this in mind . . . “Instead of the joy set before him, He endured the cross.” So, what was set before Him? The splendor and glory of heaven was before Him. Pure, indescribable joy and fellowship with the Father and the Holy Spirit was before Him. Yet, He chose to leave all this for the sake of you and me. No wonder the Apostle Paul could say, “Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift” (2 Cor. 9:15).
There’s more. Mary and Joseph left Nazareth and made their way to Bethlehem in fulfillment of prophecy about the coming Messiah (Luke 2:4). On the night of Christ’s birth, the shepherds left their flocks after the heavenly birth announcement delivered by a chorus of angels (Luke 2:15). Magi from the east (though not in Bethlehem that night) left their homes to find the King of Kings and worship Him (Matt. 2:1-2). Mary and Joseph then left Bethlehem and fled to Egypt after being warned by an angel (Matt. 2:14).
In God’s upside-down kingdom, we often have to leave something in order to find something. What are you looking for and what do you have to leave to find it? Today, God still invites us to leave. All it takes is a step of faith, the willingness to trust or an act of obedience.
Before I close, let me ask one last question. What do you give the person who has everything? In fact, what do you give to the One who is everything? Let’s take another look at the gifts the magi brought. Gold speaks of great value, majesty, and being a king. Give God your time, talent, and treasure—those things that are most valuable to your heart. Frankincense was only used in altar worship and represents the offering of prayer. Give God your worship—your attention and devotion. Myrrh speaks of death and burial. Give God your sacrifice, so that whatever dies can also be resurrected.
Not just “wishing” you a Merry Christmas, but praying for a profoundly transformative one!
Eric Scalise, PhD, currently serves as Senior Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer (CSO) with Hope for the Heart. He is also the President of LIV Consulting, LLC, the former Senior Vice President for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) and former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 42 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health field, and he served six years on the Virginia Board of Counseling under two governors. Specialty areas include professional/pastoral stress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, grief and loss, addictions and recovery, leadership development, and lay counselor training. He is a published author, adjunct professor at several Christian universities, conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues.
On Saturday, I Went to Prison
by Haley Scully, MA on October 9th, 2023
Note: Adapted from GracefullyFrank.Blogspot.com, August 6, 2012
On Saturday, I went to prison. It was the kind of prison with razor wire and fences and armed guards. Prison is a place I’ve never wanted to go. I had the opportunity to be part of the small team allowed to go with the founder of the ministry I work for. You could call the women there inmates, convicted felons, murderers, embezzlers, prostitutes, or conspirators. However, as I learned on Saturday, you could also call them daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and friends. Going to the prison is definitely something about which I would have said, “I’m not called to do that” (usually translated: I don’t want to do that). When will I learn?
It may look good on a spiritual resume to be able to type “Prison Ministry,” but if it is out of my desire to perform a work, and not out of love for the broken and hurting, then I should stay home. I wasn’t broken or hurting for them. I may have felt sorry for them, but mostly I was just going on a righteous fieldtrip. Most other “religions” have a do-good-to-others list of activities, ultimately for the self-benefit of good coming back to you. Some Christians get stuck on a list of dos and don’ts, not realizing that as Jesus changes our hearts, He changes our behaviors. We don’t have to be strong enough to please Him; it’s kind of the opposite. He wants my heart, not my works, not perfection—just my heart. Maybe God is teaching me to love like He loves, instead of just how I want to love.
On Saturday, I went to prison…
Prison officials sent us a list of “Dos and Don’ts” that included what kind of shoes to wear in case we needed to run. Don’t wear a lot of jewelry. Don’t wear khaki. Don’t touch the inmates. Don’t ask them why they are in there. Don’t ask them about their medical conditions. The officials had to send the list to prepare us, and to keep things safe, but it was a little unsettling. I tend to play out worst-case scenarios in my mind. In fourth grade, I used to plan through what I would do if Russian parachutes started dropping on the Liberty Elementary playground. I would crawl up in the cubby behind Mrs. Hanby’s desk and wait until nightfall. Then, making my way to the railroad tracks through the drainage ditch by the park, I would meet up with Patrick Swayze and any other Liberty Leopards who made it out. Mostly just daydreams, but had the Russians ever dropped on Ponca City, Oklahoma, during my fourth-grade year, I did have a plan. I thought through a plan for things at the prison, too. Again, mostly not serious, but a mix of Die Hard, Walker Texas Ranger, and Nicholas Cage in The Rock offered a tentative plan of escape. And again, I don’t know if it would have worked.
I guess I thought the women would be so different from me. In a lot of ways they were, but in all the ways that matter they weren’t. When we walked in, all the women were already seated. Close to 300 of them stood and started clapping. We took our seats in the front row, treated as honored guests. They loved June Hunt and the hope she has shared with them for over 25 years.
Then, to my heartbreak, they began their ministry to us. Women with their faces painted with different mime-like makeup to represent their individual characters sat in chairs already at the front of the audience. The chairs had signs on them that read: Liar, Robber, Killer, Suicidal, Abortion, Confused, Adulterer, and Atheist. Then they did a performance dance to this song:
What If? – Mirella and Kanto (song by James Fortune)
These women I would have called inmates, I left thinking of as sisters whom Christ came to love and set free. They laid their sins bare and asked through this song:
“Would He love me?”
“Would He forgive me?”
“Would He save me?”
“Would He dare to use me?”
The answer for Jesus is yes. Always yes. The answer for me hasn’t always been so consistent. In prison, He showed me His love for them, and for me.
As they danced and I cried, He showed me something else: Prison is their freedom. I began to see that God used this prison to set them free. Of course, prison comes with its own pain, yet based on the love and thanksgiving they displayed in front of us, that prison is their gracious wilderness leading to their victory in Christ. They are still suffering the consequences in this life, yet being set free of the chains that have bound them, and accepting there is hope beyond their sentence.
I have been pondering: What prison is my freedom? What prison is your freedom? Is it depression that has you bound? Is it addiction? Is it grief? Is it failure? Is it rejection? I’m not an inmate at a women’s prison, but I have experienced the prisons of consequences of my own actions that have bound me, and looking back graciously, forced me to be still. God in His mercy may imprison us to protect us from ourselves, so we may be saved, redeemed, and freed into new life. Less like prison, more like shelter. Time to heal. Time for truth. That is the picture I saw on Saturday—new life, not hopelessness. Sometimes He will allow us time in the wilderness, He will touch our hip out of socket, and He will allow the consequences to provide an opportunity for us to turn back in repentance to where our heart belongs.
You may wonder how a loving God could allow the prisons. But how could a loving God not? How could a loving God leave any stone unturned, even a stone that may be thrown at us, if it would lead to salvation? Why would He take away the desperation that leads us to Him? It’s important to know, we can avoid prison. It’s also important to know that when we don’t, one day He will open the door and set the captives free. And it’s most important to know that day can always be today, from the inside out, whether the bars of our prison are literal or not. Amazing Grace.
Haley Scully, MA, is the Vice President of Strategic and Ministry Projects with Hope for the Heart. In 2011, she began her work in the ministry’s counseling department before moving into the international work. She serves to develop partnerships, coordinate resources and distribution methods, and provide basic counseling and care ministry training for church leaders and parachurch organizations in over 25 countries around the world. Haley concurrently helps provide leadership for professional development initiatives that include training and resourcing Christian caregivers, life coaches, and counselors. She earned her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications from Oklahoma State University and Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Haley is passionate about connecting hurting hearts to hope in Christ and the practical application of God’s Word to their everyday lives. She is a speaker, author, trainer, and serves as a guest host on June Hunt’s live, one-hour, call-in counseling program, Hope In The Night.
From Broken to Blended: Building Strong Families
by Timothy Smith, MA on October 2nd, 2023
It took just 18 days from the time my wife told me she wanted to date other men to the day she walked out of the family. On that first day, I had no idea this would become the defining adventure of my life. I was suddenly a single dad in the early ’90s and raising three young children. Even now, I can recall every moment of that day. How would I tell my children that their mother would no longer live with us? As a ministry leader, how would I muster explaining to my board and leadership what had happened? How would they respond—and how would I battle the stigma of being divorced in a Christian ministry culture?
Some 100 million Americans have a step-relationship, and yet churches broadly do a poor job of ministering to or supporting blended families. I would quickly discover in my own journey that the churches often stopped at “recovery” for those in the midst of divorce. There was little or no guidance for remarriage, when the time came, or parenting in a blended family. And that was in the 1990s. Today, the statistics reveal most of our congregants are touched by divorce, remarriage, and step-relationships—if not in their own immediate family, certainly in their extended family networks.
The U.S. Bureau of Census states that nearly 1,300 new stepfamilies are formed each day. The average marriage in America lasts seven years. One of every two marriages ends in divorce, and more than 50 percent of U.S. families are remarried or re-coupled. More than half of the 60 million children under age 13 currently live with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner (from www.stepfamily.org). According to the Stepfamily Foundation’s research, more than 60 percent of divorced fathers visit their children because they do not legally “reside” with their fathers. So, neither government nor academic research includes these fathers and their children as stepfamilies! The father may be a single dad, but most likely he is re-coupled or remarried, thus creating a stepfamily. These children shuttle between their parents’ homes, radically increasing the numbers of stepfamilies, leaving fathers ignored and uncounted. Two-thirds of stepfamilies complain of “not having access to resources as a stepfamily,” according to a recent Stepfamily Foundation survey of 2,000 web questionnaire respondents.
So, how can the Church come alongside blended families? A place to start is by reframing our language and mindset. We often refer to a “broken” family, but we should challenge ourselves to help people move away from a mindset that their family is broken. Rather, we should strive toward the idea of a blended family that can be vibrant, healthy, and full of love and life.
Churches often tell an incomplete story when it comes to the blended family, and worse, typically fail to offer resources or opportunities for connection beyond divorce recovery. Evaluate your church’s ministries and programs through the lens of how many speak to and minister to those families. Churches have a role in helping parents blend all the diverse personalities of the newly formed family. How do you lead a family which now involves influences and modeling different from your own?
As coaches, mentors, small group leaders, pastors, and lay leaders, there are some key principles and practical tools on this journey of coming alongside blended families:
- There is typically a time of great pain and trauma before the new blended family was formed. In most cases, this pain has never truly been dealt with and sorted.
- A big step forward in blended families is to help family members park the pain struggles of the past. Otherwise, these painful memories and bad habits often move forward into the new relationships.
- There are memories from the day the original family fractured that will stay with family members.
- Later, children may act out due to memories and experiences that trace back to the day their lives were disrupted.
- There are “triggers” which will take family members back to these painful times and memories.
- It might be a meal, a trip, or a movie. Many things can trigger a person to go back to past pain.
- Sometimes this trigger causes a person to revisit their failures or disappointment as though it is very present.
- Many face a (perceived or real) “stigma” of divorce, remarriage, and blended families inside their church.
- Recognize how the very institution many families have turned to has failed them in finding a place of belonging.
- The mere statistics of this growing demographic is a call to our churches to equip leaders and coaches to mentor people in blended families.
- Recognize the people we are mentoring have not had access to church resources like the traditional family does.
- How can we meet these families at their point of need and offer real solutions?
It is my prayer and strong belief that church and ministry leaders can set a course of change for blended families and provide a much-needed playbook for those seeking to help this amazing family system. In fact, the future health of the larger body of Christ is tied to it. We hope you will be inspired to look at how you serve these families in a new way—moving from broken to blended and strong.
Tim Smith, MA, has over 35 years of experience with nonprofit organizations in administration, management, and fund development. He has also served as a Development Officer in nonprofit organizations and Executive Pastor for two megachurches. Tim recently served as Chief Development Officer for the Museum of the Bible and is the Founder and President of NonProfit DNA, a development and consulting agency. He is married to Olivia, and they share a total of six children. Tim is the author of Donors Are People Too: Managing Relationships with Your Ministry’s Major Contributors, a book on the art of personal relationship with donors, and What Have I Gotten Myself Into, released in 2019. See more at: www.blendednotbroken.org
Distinctives of Christian Life Coaching
by Dwight Bain, MA and Georgia Shaffer, MA on September 25th, 2023
Note: This content offers an abbreviated glimpse into the ICCI course “Christian Life Coaching Foundations I: Creating the Right Environment”—You can purchase the course here.
What is life coaching? How is coaching different from counseling or mentoring? These are two key questions to address as you begin your journey of becoming a credentialed ICCI Christian Life Coach. In this blog, we will explore some answers to point you in the direction of learning more about the definitions, distinctions, and differences of these avenues to helping people develop.
What is Life Coaching?
Life coaching is a process that brings out the potential in people by focusing on the possibilities and the bigger picture so they can find greater fulfillment. The coach supports the “coachee” toward achieving a specific personal or professional goal by providing training and guidance. Coaching asks:
- What were you born to do?
- What is your greater purpose?
- What do you wake up every morning excited about?
Through the coaching process, coaches learn someone’s story and challenges. Coaches get to be creative in brainstorming options to find what works for their client. The coach and client are on an equal level, working together as partners. There are elements of relationship, yet the coaching process is task-oriented and performance-driven.
How are Coaching, Counseling, and Mentoring Different?
While we could go deeper into the definition of coaching, let’s compare coaching with counseling and mentoring and take note of some important differences.
Counseling concentrates on a person’s past and how it may have led to pain and problems in the present. Counseling focuses on solving those problems and raising the person to a place of stability. Coaching looks at a person’s present and future, and then focuses on possibilities. The counselor and counselee have a strictly professional relationship, not personal. Counselors must follow certain rules and ethical standards, while coaches are less restricted and able to be more relational while still being professional.
Mentoring is relationship-oriented, and some mentoring relationships last a lifetime. The mentor is on a different level than the mentee, able to share wisdom from experience, and spends more time talking. In coaching, the coach and coachee are equals, and the coach spends more time listening. In the biblical sense, mentoring is all about growing one’s faith, where coaching can also grow one’s faith even if not the primary goal.
Here is a chart to highlight these differences:
| Coaching | Counseling | Mentoring | |
| Focus | Present to future; possibilities | Past to present; pain and problems | Present; spiritual development |
| Purpose | Achieving goals | Getting to a place of stability | Growing in faith |
| Relationship | Professional and personal | Professional | Personal, long-term |
| Talking vs. Listening | Coachee mostly talks; coach listens and provides guidance | Counselee mostly talks; counselor listens, asks questions, and takes notes | Mentee asks questions and mostly listens; mentor shares wisdom |
| Training | Not required, though highly recommended | Required; degree, licensing, ongoing education, etc. | Not required |
Let’s not overlook this last significant point: God’s Word is the difference between coaching and Christian coaching. The Bible is the filter Christian coaches use to eradicate fear with truth. Many people who may come to you for coaching are limited by fear and in need of truth. If you bring God’s Word accurately into your coaching practice, you will see God transform hearts. Christian coaching can change the world, one heart at a time!
To learn more about the distinctives of coaching and how to integrate the Bible into your work and ministry, sign up for our Christian Life Coaching Foundations courses:
Dwight Bain, MA, is the Founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. He helps people rewrite their stories through strategic change and is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. Since 1984, Dwight has helped thousands of people across America as a Keynote Speaker, Certified Leadership Coach, Nationally Certified Counselor, and a Critical Incident Stress Management expert. He is a trusted media resource on managing major change and has been interviewed on hundreds of radio and television stations, has been quoted in over 100 publications, and is the author of Destination Success: A Map for Living Out Your Dreams. For more, see www.dwightbain.com.
Georgia Shaffer, M.A., is the Founder and Executive Director of Mourning Glory Ministries, a Licensed Psychologist in Pennsylvania, and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) with the International Coaching Federation. She has authored five books, including the best-selling Taking Out Your Emotional Trash. Georgia is a sought after speaker, has been a media guest on numerous outlets, and developed the ReBUILD After Divorce Program. For more than twenty-five years, she has encouraged, counseled, and coached those who are confronting troubling times. From being a cancer survivor who was given less than a two percent chance of living, as well as someone who has personally faced the upheaval brought by divorce, single parenthood, and the loss of career and income, Georgia knows the courage, resilience, and perseverance needed to begin anew. When she isn’t writing, speaking or coaching, she enjoys working in her backyard garden. It’s there she loves to garden for her soul. See more at www.georgiashaffer.com
Truth Out of Context: You Can’t Always Get What You Want
by Emily Fraige on September 18th, 2023
“Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.”
(Psalm 37:4 NASB)
Desires of Our Hearts
This verse raises many questions: Does this apply to any desire of our hearts? Is God obligated to give our desires to us? What does it mean to delight ourselves in the Lord? We will explore these questions and more as we dig into the background of this passage and examine how it may be properly applied in the field of Christian life coaching.
Common Misconceptions
Has a well-meaning brother or sister in Christ ever shared this verse with you (if you are single or when you were single) to encourage you that someday God would bring you a spouse who would make all your dreams come true? Sometimes this verse is used as an attempt—often unsolicited—to give “hope” to single Christians. Some singles are not looking for a spouse and are content in their singleness (which is a biblical attitude; remember, the apostle Paul was unmarried and praised the benefits of singleness!).
Other times, this verse may be viewed as a formula for getting what we want from God. People may think, “If I just spend some time doing what God wants me to do, then I can have the __________ that I really want” (fill in the blank with things like job, promotion, spouse, relationships, applause/approval, success, money, etc.). The focus turns to the individual and anything the individual wants, as often occurs when any verse is taken out of context and misapplied.
Context and Meaning
The theme of Psalm 37 is justice, as the passage portrays the contrasting outcomes for the wicked and the righteous. The righteous can trust God’s justice because He will sustain and deliver them, but the wicked will face destruction. Despite knowing this, righteous people often compare their lives with the lives of those who don’t follow God but still seem to be enjoying prosperity. When the wicked have great material possessions and outward signs of success, the righteous tend to worry, grow envious, and doubt God’s justice. This fear, envy, and unbelief leads to more sin and evil (37:8).
Amid this discussion of the temptation to doubt God’s justice, we find this verse about delighting in the Lord and receiving the desires of our heart. David, the author of this psalm, reminds us to trust God and to continue doing good (37:3) and to commit our lives to Him (37:5). Trust in God should prompt us to enjoy time with God. When we delight in the Lord above everything else, we cannot desire anything that would go against His will. Our desires come into alignment with God’s. Worldly, unrestrained desires actually steal our joy and peace. Godly desires bring us security, blessing, and a future (37:29).
Appropriate Application
Human beings are constantly comparing themselves. That is why one of the Ten Commandments instructs us not to covet anything our neighbor has (Exodus 20:17 or why David cries to God multiple times in the Psalms about how his enemies’ victories seem unfair to him. In today’s culture, social media has provided outlets for this comparison problem to explode. Many people you are coaching or counseling—or simply coming into contact with—are likely to be struggling with comparison and feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, or loneliness fueled by social media and popular culture.
This verse reminds us that the worldly desires and success we are tempted to pursue will not bring us the joy we seek. We were designed by God to follow His desires for our lives. We need to bring our desires back into alignment with God’s desires for holiness, love, peace, and goodness. This verse does not promise money, fame, or popularity, but it does promise intimacy with God and a life that pleases Him. Nothing is more important.
This psalm points us to several key things we should be doing as righteous followers of Christ: trust in God’s justice and wait patiently for it, release anger and envy, and be gracious and generous. Focusing on doing these good things instead of comparing our situation with others can alleviate a great deal of our negative emotions. Finding a spouse will not solve our problems. Making tons of money will not solve our problems. Reordering our priorities the way God intended by seeking His kingdom first (Matthew 6:33) is the only way to achieve the good and godly life.
Emily Fraige, MA, is a writer and editor with ICCI and Hope for the Heart. She helps to develop resources for the ICCI courses, contributes to quarterly publications, and edits a variety of materials for the ministry. Prior to working with ICCI, she served with the student ministry at Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, TX, where she helped to create devotionals and small-group curriculum for students. She earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in English from Biola University and Master of Arts in Biblical Exegesis and Linguistics from Dallas Theological Seminary. Emily is passionate about helping people interpret God’s Word accurately and apply it to their lives.
ABCs of Transformation Series: Freedom—The Impact of Grace
by Rolfe Carawan, MEd and Lea Carawan, MA on September 11th, 2023
As a life coach, I am asked to help people get unstuck. Throughout the process it is quite common to help people examine their thoughts or beliefs so they can walk in freedom and success. One of the common beliefs that frequently creates a roadblock to their desired change is the belief that we can always transform ourselves by simply applying the correct methods or strategies.
There is nothing wrong with methods or strategies—in fact, the ABCs of Transformation and E.A.S.E Model we offer have been incredibly effective in helping people implement what they are learning. What has become abundantly clear, as followers of Jesus, is that if we trust ANYTHING other than the grace, power, and love of Christ for our transformation, we will fail.
Obedience in the transformation process places us in alignment with God and His created order. However, the ONLY thing that will cause our efforts to even approach the possibility of working is God’s grace flowing through us! Everything begins and ends with the grace of God extended to His creation. Grace provides the power and the environment conducive for transformation.
Ephesians 2:4–7 says,“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:4–7 ESV).
I had heard it said and repeated it frequently, “I am a sinner saved by grace.” The problem was that became my identity. I was a sinner that sometimes acted like a saint. Even though I was saved by grace, my identity caused me to hide and be distrusting. Knowing my real self, the person I was deep down and the things I struggled with that were clearly not “Christian,” I was convinced if someone knew that person, the real me, they would reject me.
Then in 2006, I was sharing at a men’s retreat and made the comment as I often did that I was “just a sinner saved by grace.” When I finished, a brother came up to me and said, “Rolfe, there is one thing you shared today that simply isn’t true.” Well as you can imagine, my ears perked up. “You said you were a sinner saved by grace, but the Bible says that you are a saint, and not a sinner.”
Now, I had heard this numerous times and had dismissed it as being just semantics. Surely it just meant the word “saint” was the name that was used to make a distinction between sinners who had rejected Jesus and sinners who had accepted Jesus. Yet, they were still sinners, right?
I thanked him politely even though I was thinking he was just some Christian nerd and part-time theologian who wanted to ensure that everything was said “just so.” But to his credit, he said, “I can see you are not convinced about what I just shared, so listen to this teaching called ‘True Faced’ by John Lynch—it changed my life.”
I listened to the teaching on the way home. Halfway through Lynch’s presentation, I had to pull the car over because I was crying so hard I couldn’t see the road. The Holy Spirit was using this man to introduce me to a God of Grace, who has done everything for me. This God not only took my punishment so I could spend eternity with Him, but this God had made up His mind that I would be holy, even before He spoke the first word of creation. Ephesians tells us, “Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will” (Ephesians 1:4–5 ESV).
I finally understood what it meant when people pointed out that Jesus didn’t die to make bad men good or good men better, but rather He came to make dead people alive! I was dead but received life as a new creation, a brand-new species: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV).
As we conclude this five-part series on the ABCs of Transformation, we end with the key to all transformation—our confidence that God will provide His truth, power, and most especially, grace, to help us mature into who God says we already are.
John Lynch, in his book The Cure, provided a powerful illustration of what it means to mature into who God says we already are: “Nature provides many examples of this incredible discrepancy between who we appear to be and who we truly are. Consider the caterpillar. If we brought a caterpillar to a biologist and asked him to analyze it and describe its DNA, he would tell us, ‘I know this looks like a caterpillar to you. But scientifically, according to every test, including DNA, this is fully and completely a butterfly.’”
God has wired into a creature looking nothing like a butterfly a perfectly complete butterfly identity. And because the caterpillar is a butterfly in essence, it will one day display the behavior and attributes of a butterfly. So it is with us. God has already spoken who we are in Christ; now we walk through the process of allowing His grace to transform us. As we lean into the identity we were already given, God’s work will be brought to completion.
So, as you help your clients apply the ABCs of Transformation and the E.A.S.E model to their lives, I pray you are reminded of the One whose grace is truly doing the work.
Rolfe Carawan, MEd, is the President of LifeMatters Ministries, which focuses on discipleship, biblical principles, and tackling relevant issues of our times, and is also the Co-Founder of Carawan Global Group. Inspired by his passion to relieve suffering and release potential, Rolfe brings his real-world experience and strategies to individuals in every walk of life. Known for his contagious enthusiasm, his coaching draws out the best in people, igniting a renewal of energy, engagement, and productivity, as well as successfully transitioning people through change, transforming human behavior, strengthening relationships, and overcoming generational gaps. His winning strategies have been developed over 30 years of successfully coaching, training, and motivating people. Speaking to organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits, Rolfe has spoken to nearly a million people throughout America, as well as audiences on four continents. He is an author (Profiles in Character and Character Revolution), successful teacher, coach, trained counselor, and uses experiential learning methods to create healthier relationships at home and work, effectively implement change, and strengthen communication. Rolfe has worked and volunteered his services in a number of countries including Brazil, Ghana, Israel, Ukraine, Russia, Canada, and Mexico. He currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaches Institute (ICCI) and is a Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer™. See more at www.transformedliving.org
Lea Carawan, MA, is the founder of Transformed Living, a ministry that provides Bible-based resources and services designed to make disciples who love God, walk in freedom, and build life-giving relationships at home, work, and play. She and her husband, Rolfe, built a successful speaking, coaching, and consulting firm serving organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits. For nearly 20 years, they helped leaders implement winning strategies that brought out the best in people. Lea was the cofounder and served as the Executive Director for the Congressional Prayer Caucus Foundation. For over a decade, she led the effort to equip and mobilize the largest network of federal and state elected leaders—nearly 100 sitting members of Congress and 900 state legislators—who are committed to standing for faith and implementing proactive strategies to advance religious freedom, prayer, and America’s Judeo-Christian heritage. She is a speaker, consultant, ordained minister, and multi-certified life, relationship, and spiritual formation coach and trainer. With a career spanning three decades, Lea has transitioned seamlessly between entrepreneurship, fashion, consulting, ministry, and motherhood. Lea has been a frequent speaker at women’s meetings, conferences, and marriage retreats around the world, including countries such as Brazil, Ukraine, and the United Arab Emirates. Lea is currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI) and a Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer. See more at: www.transformedliving.org
Shine Brightly
by Haley Scully, MA on September 4th, 2023
Note: Adapted from GracefullyFrank.Blogspot.com, December 13, 2017
Even the sun realizes it’s impossible to shine brightly at 5 AM. With sleepy eyes and dragging feet, I lug my suitcases, much lighter than when I arrived, down the steps of the little upstairs apartment that had been my home for a few days, toward my friends and their car that would take me to the airport. It’s the day to leave. It feels like I’ve been gone longer than the number of days passed would suggest, and it has been a blessed and encouraging time in Cuba.
It is too dark outside to capture any of the moments passing outside my non-rolling-down window. Almost all the pictures I take are from the seat of a car, through a window, on the way to the next training or visit. I like capturing moments of real life in the places the Lord takes us. I try to keep my phone balanced on the windowsill of the door and subtly snap the shot. Many are blurry, yet some bring the life on the side of the road into focus.
Two Wise Men
As we drive to the airport, we pass a scene that has come to mind often since leaving. On top of a small cement-block home with bars on the windows is a wooden manger covered with rows of Christmas lights. It is maybe six feet wide and four feet tall. Inside the stable scene where you would expect to see the people of the nativity, there are tall figures made out of hard plastic, and only the red of their clothes still visible in faded colors.
It isn’t Jesus. There is no Mary or Joseph. The only figures inside the stable are two wise men. My assumption is that over the years, the other figures must have been broken or lost somehow and had been irreplaceable. My friend told us that for many years there were no Christmas decorations available in the country. They could only decorate inside churches, and they could only use what Christmas decorations they already had before the revolution. Nevertheless, on the roof of this home, even with the figures that are lacking to fulfill the full nativity scene, all of the same care and work of putting up those decorations had been given. They only had two wise men, but they proudly and reverently put those guys up there to shine brightly into the night. Anyone who saw them shining would know the holy night and the birth of our Savior which they represent. The people sleeping under the roof below made the best and brightest of what they had been given, and their joy multiplies at least to me, and probably to many others.
I imagine their kids and grandkids still loved to see those two wise men lit up in all their faded plastic glory at Christmas. Having come to know more about the heart and the spirit of the Cuban people, I imagine they didn’t take much time to regret the figures that had been lost over the years. I imagine the contented sighs and thrill of the moment when those two light up is still as sweet as it ever was, year after year.
What You Have Been Given
I have been given much and I am missing much. Probably, anyone reading this could say the same, no matter what their nativity scene looks like as people pass by it in cars on the street. At the very least, I certainly have two wise men. I am so thankful to climb up on the rooftop of the life I’ve been given and string up the lights around the stable and excitedly plug in all I have so I can shine brightly into the dark to represent the scene of the One I worship and adore.
Maybe you only have two wise men. Maybe you have two wise men, a donkey, and Mary. Hopefully, you have Jesus. Whatever you have, practice plugging in what is yours and shine brightly.
Haley Scully, MA, is the Vice President of Strategic and Ministry Projects with Hope for the Heart. In 2011, she began her work in the ministry’s counseling department before moving into the international work. She serves to develop partnerships, coordinate resources and distribution methods, and provide basic counseling and care ministry training for church leaders and parachurch organizations in over 25 countries around the world. Haley concurrently helps provide leadership for professional development initiatives that include training and resourcing Christian caregivers, life coaches, and counselors. She earned her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications from Oklahoma State University and Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Haley is passionate about connecting hurting hearts to hope in Christ and the practical application of God’s Word to their everyday lives. She is a speaker, author, trainer, and serves as a guest host on June Hunt’s live, one-hour, call-in counseling program, Hope In The Night.
The Habit of Giving Thanks: Consistent Gratitude
by William A. Brown on August 28th, 2023
The verse goes, “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us complain and be mad in it.” Oh! Wait! My bad. Psalm 118 says, “This is the day that the LORD has made,” so let us give thanks and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24 ESV).
How often it is that we blow right over that statement! If we think about it at all, we tend to reflect, and then say, “But what about this? But what about that?” Or, “If they only knew…” Or, “But my story is different.” Is it possible that, as a habit, we have trained ourselves to think in a dour way? Have we allowed our own culture to push us down so heavily we are nearly broken under the strain? Are we convinced the shoe is ultimately going to drop—actually inviting trouble? Do we passively give ourselves permission to allow the bombardment of sarcasm (defined in Greek as the tearing of flesh or gnashing of teeth), and consider it humor? Do we tolerate or involve ourselves in snarky comments? Do we casually listen to our leaders and the pundits as they continue to attack one another with labels, libels, and mean-spirited liberties?
I am afraid the answer to these questions might be yes. Sometimes we feel we can’t escape it. And, as a result, we find ourselves immersed in our own darkness, feeling the heaviness that only a darkened spirit and anger can provide. Allow me to suggest a habit of relief. Declare grateful statements! Yes, out loud! Zoom out in your thinking; look at the bigger picture; turn down the hash trash; give yourself permission to declare something upbeat—no matter how profound or mundane. Then, do it again (e.g., I love my children! I’m glad for the air in my tires!). Look around and find things. I have cultivated this habit for over five years, and it has helped me a great deal, even in troublesome times—maybe especially in troublesome times. It isn’t Pollyanna stuff. It’s intentional.
Surprise yourself. Feel the feeling of freedom for that one moment of escape from an entangled and critical world. Give yourself the power of rejoicing (Philippians 4:4). Make it a habit. Every morning, declare three “gratitudes” and try your best not to repeat them in the days that follow. Soon, you will begin to develop a mindset that begins to override the junk that flows into the day. You will become stronger and more powerful in your daily walk! After a while (40 days and 40 nights), you won’t even notice that you have a default positive mindset that radiates out to others all day long—a wonderful habit and ministry. Go ahead. Start today!
After all, this is the day that the LORD has made! We didn’t make it. We just get to be part of it! May we always remember that. Until next time, also remember: There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.
William Brown, MEd, MSpEd, was born and raised in rural Nebraska. He majored in education at Doane College and played varsity football. He earned his master’s in education administration while teaching elementary students, and later earned an additional master’s degree to work with behaviorally challenged students. For 25 years, he worked in Property/Casualty and Risk Management Insurance. In his “retirement,” William focuses on health and life coaching, including 12-step programs, and has grown his business from helping local pastors to a variety of clients locally and across the country via Zoom and FaceTime. He and his wife, Beverly Ann, have been married for 22 years and share a blended family of five adult children and six wonderful grandchildren. He loves running, golf, working with the local volunteer Fire Department, reading, writing, facilitating adult Sunday School classes, and playing games with his family. See more at: www.williambrownlifecoach.com
The Five Essential Character Traits of a Christian Life Coach
by Eric Scalise, PhD on August 21st, 2023
Note: This content offers an abbreviated glimpse into the ICCI course “Christian Life Coaching Foundations I: Creating the Right Environment”—You can purchase the course here.
Coaching, like many things God calls us to do, is a sacred trust, and therefore our character matters. Being a successful Christian Life Coach requires us to have Christ’s character formed in us by the Holy Spirit. Character is defined as a mark or a distinctive quality. We can develop the distinctive qualities of a Christ-follower in our lives only through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We can’t cause change in ourselves or others without God’s Spirit. We can’t even fashion someone else’s character. As coaches, we are called to introduce people to the God who can accomplish all those things. Then we cooperate with the Holy Spirit as He works to transform our lives and the lives of those we are coaching.
Here are the five qualities that distinguish a Christ-following coach:
1 – Faithfulness
Faithfulness is the mark of a person being transformed by Christ. Scripture says, “One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much” (Luke 16:10 ESV). Take time to consider carefully if you have been faithful in the small things God has put before you. Evaluate how God has equipped you to take the next steps and follow where He leads.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What have I been faithful with in the past?
- Has my faithfulness in small things warranted God entrusting someone else’s life to me?
2 – Teachableness
Teachableness is the ability to keep learning. A teachable heart maintains a willingness to learn. If you assume you know everything you need to know, you will miss new perspectives and all kinds of new insights. Coaches expect their clients to learn new skills and ways of handling life’s challenges, so they should model how to be lifelong learners. In Proverbs, we read, “Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance” (Proverbs 1:5).
Ask yourself these questions:
- What obstacles keep me from learning?
- What topics do I want to learn more about, and what steps can I take to start the learning process?
3 – Genuineness
Genuineness is the capacity to be authentic, real, and transparent. To build trust with those you are helping, you need to be who you really are at all times, not changing who you are from one moment to the next. The apostle Paul reminds us to be genuine in our love: “Let love be without hypocrisy” (Romans 12:9 NASB).
Ask yourself these questions:
- Where do I need to grow in knowledge of myself?
- In what situations am I tempted to be inauthentic, and how can I overcome that temptation with the help of the Holy Spirit?
4 – Humility
The power and authority of Jesus came from His humility. Only Jesus is worthy to open the scroll sealed with seven seals, and yet, He is the gentle Lamb who was slain for our sins (Revelation 5:1–14). As coaches, we should emulate His humility by walking in wisdom and treating others with gentleness, kindness, and patience.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What kind of example do I set for others? Do I count others more significant than myself?
- What motivates me to coach others? Am I seeking glory for myself or for God?
5 – Unconditional Love
God’s greatest commandments are to love God and love people. God is love, and He calls us to do all things—both big and small—with great love. Jesus said the most important thing is this: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:30–31).
Ask yourself these questions:
- How can I grow in loving the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength?
- How am I demonstrating the love of God to others? How can I help other people develop in love?
Conclusion
The Lord says, “Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful” (1 Corinthians 4:2). Coaching is a weighty assignment. You will be held to a higher standard as you take on this leadership role of providing guidance for others. If you feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of coaching, remember, “The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24). God will equip you to do what He has called you to do.
To learn more about the character qualities of a Christian life coach, sign up for our Christian Life Coaching Foundations courses:
Eric Scalise, PhD, currently serves as Senior Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer (CSO) with Hope for the Heart. He is also the President of LIV Consulting, LLC, the former Senior Vice President for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) and former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 42 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health field, and he served six years on the Virginia Board of Counseling under two governors. Specialty areas include professional/pastoral stress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, grief and loss, addictions and recovery, leadership development, and lay counselor training. He is a published author, adjunct professor at several Christian universities, conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues.
ABCs of Transformation Series: Freedom—Commitment to Change
by Rolfe Carawan, MEd and Lea Carawan, MA on June 12th, 2023
For years, I (Lea) tried to be a better person and stop sinning. Though I genuinely wanted to change, I couldn’t do it by just trying harder and committing to doing better. Maybe this is your story, too. If the change we want involves short-term sacrifices for long-term payoffs, it will inevitably involve suffering and sacrifice. Because of that, we often “lose heart” and find it difficult to endure to the end. To compound this, many of us don’t believe suffering can be a good thing, and we go so far to say that suffering is not good, and a good God would not require it of us.
Jesus models the powerful role of suffering as described in Hebrews 5, “In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him” (Hebrews 5:7–9 ESV).
The vibrant, abundant life God has called us to live often requires difficult change. It may involve the ABCs of transformation: the A-ha moments, the Breaking Free of strongholds, and Commitment to Change. However, we too often try to start with the Commitment to Change, when what we first need is an A-ha, a revelation from God so we can align our beliefs with His truth. We may also need the power of God to break strongholds in our lives because of the deadly grip of sin. Our commitment to change is needed, yet is only effective when God affects the transformation, and then we intentionally cooperate with Him to align our beliefs and behaviors to His will.
The E.A.S.E. Model
When God fills us with a desire to change—to be transformed—He provides a path. One option to consider is the E.A.S.E. Model.
The first E in E.A.S.E is Expectancy. There is a big difference between expectancy and expectation. When we start the process with specific expectations of how, when or why God is doing His work in us, we often miss His plans and purposes. Instead, we are told God is faithful, that His ways are higher than our ways, and that we can trust Him to complete in us what He has begun (2 Timothy 2:13; Isaiah 55:8–9; Philippians 1:6). You can ask God to show you what He wants to change, what He is concerned about in your life. As Christian coaches, we look for what God is initiating in our clients.
When the needed change has been identified, the Bible encourages us to welcome Accountability, the A in E.A.S.E. For many, accountability has been a negative experience; it may have felt critical, impatient, demanding or judgmental without love or grace. Healthy accountability can be structured in a way that helps achieve our goals and changes our behavior using positive peer pressure. The most productive kind of accountability is voluntary. We give access to someone we trust. It requires honesty, it is usually specific, and it should be done in a way that is life giving.
In addition to accountability, we frequently need Support, the S in E.A.S.E. We may require a variety of support systems and resources. It may be friends, family, books, sermons, communities, or programs; it takes many shapes and forms. In one instance where I (Lea) was struggling with a longstanding issue, I heard about a couple who helped individuals overcome past hurts and wounds. In my case, I was overwhelmed and prone to depression over a deep belief that I was a failure in God’s eyes. With their help, I listed all the negative things I believed about God, myself, and others. This process was neither easy nor painless, though incredibly necessary. Then we began identifying the truth from God’s Word in response to the lies. In their presence, I began confessing my sin and speaking God’s truth over every single falsehood. Now, I was saying the same thing that God says about myself and my sin. Confession became a profound and powerful experience. For the first time, I examined these things in the light, one by one. At times, I felt the burden of my failures and, at other times, the joy of being a new creation in Christ. Confession became the first step in my commitment to change.
Positive reinforcement is often the key to lasting transformation. We all need Encouragement, the final E in E.A.S.E. Encouragement might include praise, reward, celebration, or simply the joy that comes when we are free from sin and aligned with God’s design for us. Encouragement solidifies and reinforces that “doing the right thing”—especially in difficult situations—is what matters most. Encouragement lets people know they are on the right track, and helps them to maintain positive, ethical, and productive thoughts and actions.
The key to all of this is the grace of God. Hold fast to His promises and allow Him to do the work of transformation.
Questions to process with the Lord or a loved one:
- Is there anything in your life you know God wants to remove, heal or transform?
- Is there someone in your life you can invite to hold you accountable?
- Are you accessing the support God has provided for you? Or are you being asked to provide support for another?
Rolfe Carawan, MEd, is the President of LifeMatters Ministries, which focuses on discipleship, biblical principles, and tackling relevant issues of our times, and is also the Co-Founder of Carawan Global Group. Inspired by his passion to relieve suffering and release potential, Rolfe brings his real-world experience and strategies to individuals in every walk of life. Known for his contagious enthusiasm, his coaching draws out the best in people, igniting a renewal of energy, engagement, and productivity, as well as successfully transitioning people through change, transforming human behavior, strengthening relationships, and overcoming generational gaps. His winning strategies have been developed over 30 years of successfully coaching, training, and motivating people. Speaking to organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits, Rolfe has spoken to nearly a million people throughout America, as well as audiences on four continents. He is an author (Profiles in Character and Character Revolution), successful teacher, coach, trained counselor, and uses experiential learning methods to create healthier relationships at home and work, effectively implement change, and strengthen communication. Rolfe has worked and volunteered his services in a number of countries including Brazil, Ghana, Israel, Ukraine, Russia, Canada, and Mexico. He currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaches Institute (ICCI) and is a Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer™. See more at www.transformedliving.org
Lea Carawan, MA, is the founder of Transformed Living, a ministry that provides Bible-based resources and services designed to make disciples who love God, walk in freedom, and build life-giving relationships at home, work, and play. She and her husband, Rolfe, built a successful speaking, coaching, and consulting firm serving organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits. For nearly 20 years, they helped leaders implement winning strategies that brought out the best in people. Lea was the cofounder and served as the Executive Director for the Congressional Prayer Caucus Foundation. For over a decade, she led the effort to equip and mobilize the largest network of federal and state elected leaders—nearly 100 sitting members of Congress and 900 state legislators—who are committed to standing for faith and implementing proactive strategies to advance religious freedom, prayer, and America’s Judeo-Christian heritage. She is a speaker, consultant, ordained minister, and multi-certified life, relationship, and spiritual formation coach and trainer. With a career spanning three decades, Lea has transitioned seamlessly between entrepreneurship, fashion, consulting, ministry, and motherhood. Lea has been a frequent speaker at women’s meetings, conferences, and marriage retreats around the world, including countries such as Brazil, Ukraine, and the United Arab Emirates. Lea is currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI) and a Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer. See more at: www.transformedliving.org
Getting Back on Track When Marriage Gets Tough
by Gary Rosberg, EdD and Barb Rosberg, BFA on June 5th, 2023
Marriage isn’t easy. Whether you have been married a long time or a short time—you know it’s the truth! No matter how good your marriage is, you and your spouse will go through times of drought. Why? Because your spouse was never meant to satisfy you completely—only Jesus can love perfectly. Happiness in marriage is not found when both partners are devoted to having the other partner provide all the happiness for them. Jesus must have this foundational position in your marriage. Being a faithful, wise, and loving spouse ultimately relies upon your choice to be faithful to God. When a husband or wife is unlovable or unable to be made happy, the marriage can only survive when you find hope and happiness in God’s strength, power, and glory.
The marriage can only survive when you find hope and happiness
in God’s strength, power, and glory.
Before you can ever know the deep security and confidence God intends for you to enjoy as a couple, you need to be certain in your heart that your relationship is rooted in a love that will never give up. Good things are possible because a bond exists between you, and God will not let you ignore it. He created the marriage bond—that solemn covenant—to be unbreakable.
Love is a Choice
So, what do you do when you think things have gotten off track in your relationship? When you feel the love fading? Remember, love is primarily a choice, not a feeling. You may not currently feel like you are in love with your spouse, yet because of the commitment you once made, you must choose to love and show it by your actions. You will find that the feelings will follow. However, what if you realize you have hit a roadblock in your marriage that you can’t get past on your own? You may need someone to step in and help you navigate the journey of healing to repair the damages and hurts in your marriage. A life coach or counselor could also be part of your team in helping you work through the rebuilding process.
Three Questions to Ask Yourself
Are you unsure if it’s time to add a marriage coach to your team? Then ask yourself these three questions:
- What is the problem? At first glance, the answer is obvious: It’s the trial itself—stress, arguments, financial troubles, illness, etc. Yet, here’s our point: First, the problem isn’t either one of you—you are on the same side and you are battling this problem together.
- What do we need from each other? After you have made the decision to battle your problems together, ask yourselves what kind of help you need to solve them. Identify areas where you have the strength and know-how to support each other. Do you need the other to step in with a decision? Do you need some space? How about comfort and encouragement? Perhaps you need your spouse to brainstorm with you or to seek God’s truth with you in His Word and through prayer.
- What kind of outside help do we need? Resolving a trial or crisis is often beyond your ability and resources. In the case of marriage-threatening trials, in fact, this is always the case. God wants to put other people in your life to lift you up. Your task at this stage can be as concrete as making a list of the people you need to talk to who can help you in some way, or get recommendations for a qualified and trustworthy Christian coach.
No matter what the situation, we want to encourage you that great marriages are often forged through difficult trials. Whatever you may be facing in your marriage right now, let the words of James be both instruction and comfort: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing (James 1:2–4 NLT).”
A Love That Won’t Quit
It’s easy to love in the good times, but when our marriages come under intense testing, we still have in our possession what really matters: A love that won’t quit. No matter where our trials take us, we have each other. Marriage coaching with an ICCI Certified Marriage Coach can be just what your marriage needs as you lean into strengthening your marriage to help you experience all that God has for you. Don’t go it alone when Marriage Coaches who integrate their faith in Jesus into their coaching can help you along the journey!
*Our book, 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love, can help you understand six ways that Jesus loves us and learn how to love one another in our marriages the same way Jesus loves.
Gary Rosberg, EdD, and Barb Rosberg, BFA, are sought-after Executive Life and Marriage and Family Coaches, John C. Maxwell certified international speakers and trainers, award-winning authors, broadcasters, and well-known international marriage conference presenters. Together, the Rosbergs are co-founders of The Rosberg Group, where they provide marriage coaching, as well as one-on-one executive life coaching. Authors of over a dozen books, including 5 Love Needs of Men & Women and the Gold Medallion winning 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love, Barb brings decades of wisdom from coaching and teaching alongside Gary’s 25,000+ hours of counseling to coaching executive couples. The Rosbergs use their gifts of insight, humor, and wisdom in coaching couples “up” to become the best they can be. Their nonprofit ministry, America’s Family Coaches, has impacted marriages across the United States and globally for almost 35 years. They serve first responder and military marriages in their home state, and in particular, wounded warrior couples. Married since 1975, Gary and Barb have two married daughters and 12 grandchildren, and reside outside of Des Moines, Iowa. See more at: www.TheRosbergGroup.com
