The Repair and Restoration of Redemptive Relationships through Recovery Coaching

by Stephen Arterburn on March 28th, 2025

Homeless Not Hopeless

A homeless man in Los Angeles sees a book leaning up against the curb, and like any other object he finds on the street, he picks it up, hoping to sell it for a nickel or two. He looks at his new find and discovers it is not just a book, it is The Life Recovery Bible. Unlike other objects he has found, he is no longer interested in selling it because the words “recovery” and “Bible” resonate with him—and he has never seen those two words together. The words resonate because he is a believer, although his addiction decimated his relationship with God long ago. He believes the loss of his job, family, and home are punishments from God.

Up until now, anyone associated with the church or the Christian faith viewed his addiction as a symptom of a spiritual weakness or deficiency that anyone with enough faith and a deliverance service would overcome. For those like him who were not healed or delivered, there was nothing but judgment, shame, and total rejection. He knows he needs recovery; he just has not been able to achieve it or find it, no matter how hard he tried under his own power.

The Miracle of Recovery

With all this in mind, curiosity leads the man to sit down and look through his new possession. He starts reading the devotionals for “Step One” and the Scriptures associated with the first step. He reads himself to sleep and awakens to a police officer kicking his foot and telling him to move on. He already was. Before he fell asleep, he was already on the move through the Bible, the 12 Steps and a Life Recovery journey that would eventually lead to the restoration of his family, home, and job.

To some, it reads like fiction. To others, it appears to be a rare miracle. It is a miracle, yet it is one of millions of miracles that started when surrendered fellow strugglers bought, borrowed, or were given one of the 4,000,000 Life Recovery Bibles that bring the Bible back to recovery where recovery began. Four million souls in need of God, God’s truth, transformation, and a miracle. How do these miracles occur?

Surrender: One Way or the Other

Each of us has an extreme limitation that will not be helped by trying harder. In fact, trying harder makes trying harder and harder. The research has been done with millions of people addicted to a substance, losing everything while continuing to believe willpower will eventually be enough. It never is. Life recovery is for everyone, and a struggler with severe depression needs recovery as much as an addict. Intense chronic and endogenous depression frequently removes the desire or ability to try harder, yet uninformed people believe it is exactly what a depressed person needs to do. Effort is not the beginning of transformation. Transformation starts with the realization that God alone has the power to conquer the extreme limitation, followed by surrendering to God.

Surrender comes in two forms. We are familiar with the type of surrender that accompanies a spiritual awakening. It is rich in emotion and experienced at the soul level and results in a change in feelings, thinking, motivation, and actions. It does not instantly change everything because character, maturity, and sanctification take time. The other form of surrender is simply a choice to comply with what has worked for others. A struggler may not be convinced that compliance will work, but surrender is just as real when the choice to comply is made, even with doubts. The research on this type of surrender has also been done. The compliant doubter eventually becomes a believer, and transformation begins. Sometimes, the miracle begins for the stubborn resisters with a simple question by a recovery coach: “Have you thought about taking a different path and trying for 30 days the path that has worked for millions of others?”

Surrender: Then Surrender Again and Again

The initial surrender of some who were written off as hopeless seems like a miraculous event; it is. It is also the first of many to come. If that is all that happened, the miracle would be short-lived. For those who have refused to see the reality of their lives or hear the observations of others, the willingness to fearlessly unearth defects of character and then share them with God and another person requires surrendering pride, deception, defense, and self-protection. Surrendering those opens wide the gates to developing an authentic and mutually loving relationship. Then, rather than try to fix those defects on your own, becoming willing for God to do the work and asking God to remove them is another deeper and more specific required surrender.

Surrendering again and again allows for the miracle of soul transformation. The surrenders to come are the ones that miraculously transform relationships. I resisted making a long list of the people I had wronged and could not bear to think of the humiliation of making it right. Finally, I surrendered, and after I had made amends, I could finally look shamelessly in the eyes of everyone. The past was resolved; I was engaging with others as a man free of the unbearable burden I had been dragging into every relationship.

The miracle grows when defensiveness, unkindness, and dishonesty are not justified but surrendered and replaced with searching for wrongs committed and admitting them as soon as possible. Sadly, this is often where the transformation stalls out and the miracle begins to fade. When a person inventories themselves and surrenders the impulse to inventory the other, and then admits the mistake and surrenders the urge to judge and criticize the other, there is exponential mutual growth, intimacy, and attunement. From there, life gets better and better as the priority is discovering God’s will, carrying it out, reaching to help others, and practicing these transformational principles in all of life, especially in relationships.

Surrender of self to a transformational process, and surrendering others and their defects to God, is a practice right out of God’s Word. A life coach rarely goes wrong asking about surrender. What areas are not fully surrendered? Where is the surrender partial and shallow? Who deserves an admission of doing the wrong thing at the wrong time with the wrong motives? These questions, followed by encouragement to do the next right thing, often lead to more hope and healing and a miracle of healthy and even holy relationships. Recovery coaching is coaching repeated surrenders and watching the miracle unfold.

Recovery coaching is coaching repeated surrenders and watching the miracle unfold.

Stephen Arterburn, MEd, is the Founder and Chairman of New Life Ministries, the Founder of Women of Faith conferences (attended by over five million people), and host of the #1 nationally syndicated Christian counseling talk show, “New Life Live,” heard by two million people each weekday on 200 radio stations nationwide. As a nationally and internationally known public speaker, he has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, The New York Times, USA Today, US News & World Report, ABC World News Tonight, along with GQ and Rolling Stone magazines. Steve is also an inductee to the National Speakers Association Hall of Fame and a best-selling author of books such as Every Man’s Battle, Healing Is a Choice, Toxic Faith, Walking Into Walls, and his latest books, the Arterburn Wellness Series, and more. With over 11 million books in print, he has been writing about God’s transformational truth since 1984. Along with Dr. David Stoop, he edited and produced the award-winning Life Recovery Bible, which is on exhibit at The Museum of the Bible in Washington, DC. His ministry endeavors focus on identifying and compassionately responding to the needs of those seeking healing and restoration through God’s truth. Steve currently serves as the Teaching Pastor at Northview Church in Carmel, Indiana, where he resides with his family. See more at: www.newlife.com

Relationship Coaching at the Next Level

by Grant Wood on March 14th, 2025

Practice Proficiencies that Lead to Mastery

Mastery of any skill, art, or vocation takes a long time. It also takes effort. Most life coaches I speak with are hungry to know what skills or techniques they can apply their energy toward to help people in the most robust and effective ways. The following are some skills and proficiencies that, with time, will significantly enhance your coaching process with both relationships and individuals.

Go to the “Woodshed”

Long, long ago, I was an aspiring and over-confident saxophonist starting in my first year as a music student. I waltzed into my first improvisation lesson and sat down across from my instructor—a trumpet player by the name of Willie Thomas, or “Willie T,” as we affectionately called him. Willie was in his sixties and a master of the instrument who had played alongside true legends of jazz for most of his life. He wore an old red fisherman’s hat and half spectacles with the chains hanging down the sides of his face. Willie T’s daily breakfast was raw cloves of garlic and a large McDonald’s coffee. He sat down, mumbled out a few expletives in a scratchy voice, and then said, “Well…let me hear you play that thing.” After I “played that thing” for about 30 seconds, he put his hand up, sat silently for what felt like an eternity, looked at me over his spectacles, and said, “What you’re playing . . . and nothing . . . are the same thing. Cool cat, you gotta get to the woodshed.”

The “woodshed” is the place of practice where you hone your self-awareness, preparation, and people skills. This includes spiritual disciplines such as solitude, service, study, prayer, and fasting, in addition to growing in your knowledge of how the human mind, body, and spirit work together through mentoring, readings, and conferences. The woodshed is not only a place where you practice what you already know but also a place to push yourself into new experiences, new exercises, and new ways of developing yourself and others. Individuals and relationships are incredibly complex, and the coach who has a highly developed sense of self, a keen awareness of relationship dynamics, and effective tools for intervention will not only be successful but will also possess energy and longevity in their work with people. Go to your woodshed and grow there.

Individuals and relationships are incredibly complex, and the coach who has a highly developed sense of self, a keen awareness of relationship dynamics, and effective tools for intervention will not only be successful but will also possess energy and longevity in their work with people.

Un-layer Roots and Undercurrents

While we all know solid questions are key in getting a feel for relationships and their presenting problems, cyclical questions are the key to seeing the patterns of source wounds, motives, perceptions, behaviors, and dreams in the client. Here’s a brief picture of how cyclical questions can work.

Coach: “Share some of your thoughts and emotions about your marriage with your husband.”
Client: “Well . . . I feel angry about the lack of time we have together. He doesn’t make me a priority.”
Coach: “When you have these feelings, how do you express them to your husband?”
Client: “I snap at him and withdraw from him. Sometimes I cry.”
Coach: “What are you feeling or thinking when you start to cry?”
Client: “I’m so afraid that I will forget what it was like to feel close and desire being with him. I don’t want to be lonely. I made a vow after my divorce that I didn’t want to feel lonely in my marriage ever again.”
Coach: “Can you look at your husband now and tell him in your own words how you feel scared and lonely?”

In this example, you see the coach able to discover not only what the client is complaining about but what emotions are under the surface, how she acts, what her needs are, and one of the realities in her life that created the wound. Her husband, who is hopefully listening to these questions, might be able to pick up on something he didn’t realize before about how lonely and afraid she is. It takes some time and practice, yet when a coach learns to link these un-layering questions together, their clients will experience more depth of clarity regarding their problems and the possible solutions.

Allow Space for Emotions to Unfold and Flow

Most of us would not be coaches if we did not have good advice to convey and good interventions to implement. In addition to this, masterful coaches learn how to keep their awareness tuned in to the emotions that are ever-present in a session, sometimes just under the surface. People heal and transform when they can express the unfelt emotions they are holding inside their bodies. If we are too focused on getting the clients to realize something or understand something (cognition), we can risk ignoring the emotion in the heart and actually condition them to keep suppressing these precious emotions with each other.

In the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013), nature photographer Sean O’Connell (Sean Penn) hesitates to snap a photo of a rare snow leopard. Walter (Ben Stiller) is perplexed as to why he is not taking advantage of the opportunity. This dialogue follows:

Walter Mitty: “When are you going to take it?”
Sean O’Connell: “Sometimes I don’t. If I like a moment, for me, personally, I don’t like to have the distraction of the camera. I just want to stay in it.”
Walter Mitty: “Stay in it?”
Sean O’Connell: “Yeah. Right there. Right here.”

When emotions pour out of a client, learn to take a deep breath and resist the urge to speak right away. Sometimes this means allowing couples to fight it out in front of you for a bit so you can get a sense of how they fight at home. It is okay to let that process and emotion play out a little bit if it is not unsafe or abusive. You cannot really coach their dynamic if you never let yourself see it. The emotions seldom come pouring out. In this case, it is helpful to become familiar with the research of Paul Ekman, who studied micro-expressions of emotion in the human face and body. With practice and time, your intuition and perception of emotion can grow to the point where you can identify subtle emotions and help clients find the courage to bring their emotions to the surface. Then, very gently, you can begin to ask clients to use words to describe more of what they are feeling.

Prescribe Meaningful Homework

We must resist the habit of becoming what I call “How are you doing?” coaches. Your clients are making a sacrifice of time and resources to meet with you. Do not send them away with nothing but a prayer and good wishes. Send them with assignments to read books together (and discuss what they are reading), intentional communication exercises, a challenge to go on a certain type of date, have a specific conversation, share a journal, or implement a new strategy or habit. Prescribing and following up with homework not only helps the clients change, but it also informs you about how motivated and resourceful they can be.

Pursue Your Own Healing

Don’t assume God’s solution. Adopt principles that respect single adults and His purposes for them. Help them align to what God has given them and allow Him to determine their path forward. We may want God to honor the relationship we think our clients need, but they will be the most fulfilled when they prioritize and seek the relationships that honor and align with the will of God.

Grant Wood, MS, MA, is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist (LCMFT) and the owner and Clinical Director of Resonate Relationship Clinic, LLC, in Overland Park, Kansas. Resonate is a multi-specialty mental health practice serving over 4,000 individuals and families annually in the greater Kansas City area. Grant works with individuals, couples, and families in the areas of emotional, relational, social, and spiritual development. He has completed advanced training in Enneagram Psychology, Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy. He specializes in premarital and marital enrichment, men’s issues, blended families, and spiritual formation. Grant is also certified in Comprehensive Resource Method (CRM), a treatment protocol that helps clients heal from anxiety and posttraumatic stress (PTS/PTSD) and allows them to again live fully from their core self. Grant is a clinical fellow in the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and a member of Spiritual Directors International. He has the gift of making people feel comfortable and at peace during the most difficult circumstances, is the father of a teenage daughter and son, a professional musician, an avid kayaker, and a lover of the outdoors. See more at: www.resonateclinic.com

Assumptions, Principles, and First Steps in Coaching Single Adults

by Haley Scully on February 28th, 2025

Don’t Assume

As a single adult in my late 40s serving in ministry, counseling, and coaching, I have had many opportunities to hear the stories, hearts, and relationship goals of unmarried individuals. Recent Pew Research shows 40% of Christian adults (aged 30-64) are single. Our responses to and contentment with being unmarried vary greatly. However, in many of our experiences, the perceptions of unmarried adults in this age range tend not to vary greatly, especially in our local churches where a heartfelt focus is placed on families, those outside of this church-goer norm—married and having children—can feel awkward and out of place. A general perception is that there is something wrong with single adults. Are they broken? Are they weird? Have they gone through a tragedy? The truth is probably yes. We all have weirdness and brokenness in our lives. We all have probably gone through hard things. As you offer your skills and giftings as a life coach to single adults, here are a couple of assumptions to avoid:

Don’t assume there is a problem; there may be a purpose.
Don’t assume there is a purpose; there may be a problem.
As a coach, your best tool for discovering if your client is single on purpose or because of a problem is to ask good questions. Listen to their story. Has pain or have broken relationships impacted their status? Has there been a calling or duty in their life that has prevented them from marrying or led them in a different direction than marriage?
Don’t assume their relationship solution.
Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” Not every adult is made to climb a tree—some of us swim. Don’t assume God’s solution. Don’t make the mistake of thinking marriage is the goal. Marriage is a blessing; discipleship is the goal.

Adopt Principles

The above assumptions are not meant to bring condemnation on those of you who have said these things to single adults. I believe people mean well and they really want to encourage with their words. However, as a coach, you want to adjust your delivery and comments with compassion and understanding as you desire to build trust and rapport with those you serve. It’s not up to them just to “know what you meant to say” or “not be so sensitive.” If caring for, coaching, or loving the single adults in your life is important to you, then the following principles should be standards.

Don’t use clichés or trite comments in reference to their dissatisfaction with singleness.
Jesus was single. Paul said singleness is a gift. These are true statements, yet impersonalized biblical example encouragements are more likely to deflate than encourage. These statements imply that not only is your client single, but also failing in being like Jesus or living up to Paul’s exhortation. Instead, ask clients if they have found encouragement in Jesus’ example or in some of Paul’s statements on singleness. Let them unpack their position with you instead of you placing an expectation on them.
Don’t shame their emotions.
Here are four things I’ve heard said to me and to others that are meant to be an encouragement, yet often feel more like an admonishment.
- If you just have faith, God will bring you your mate.
  Singleness is not a punishment for lack of faith. Tying their circumstances or dissatisfaction in their singleness to a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity sets them up to think that God is holding out on them until they believe more or better. Marriage involves two people and multiple factors. One person’s faith does not manifest a two-person union. One person’s faith can impact their openness to receive and grow in new relationships. Focus on encouraging faith in God’s goodness as they seek His will and plan for their life.
- God’s timing is perfect. Maybe you or your mate just aren’t ready yet.
  No one is perfect, but hopefully all believers are learning and growing. Implying that single adults need to reach some level of readiness or holiness before God will lead them to marriage may cause them to be hard on themselves or believe that God is holding out on them until they get things right. It also implies all the married people were somehow perfectly ready for their mate, despite their flaws and sinful habits.
- You are never really alone.
  There are times when single adults will walk alone. I recently drove nearly five hours to be with my family as we laid my grandmother to rest. I know the Lord was with me, yet He didn’t drive the car while I cried. He didn’t physically hold my hand during the service. I am so thankful for His Word, and the Spirit, and worship music, and for friends and family who encourage me. Still, I had to walk out some of that time by myself—not spiritually alone, but physically, and in my grief, emotionally alone. Being alone is not a sin. Feeling that pain is not disrespectful to a relationship with Christ. Don’t twist the practical pains that may come with singleness and make them spiritual deficits of your client.
- As soon as you are content in your singleness, God will send you your mate.
  Where in Scripture does God say if you will just get content in your greatest pain, then He will change it? Just get content where you don’t want to be, then He will move you? Get content in your illness, then He will heal you? God’s goodness and blessing is not dependent on our contentment. However, our contentment is very much tied to our trust in Him. There are times when we grow to trust the Lord in circumstances to a point where we relax and, in a way, get out of our own way. Contentment unlocks our own closed doors, not God’s.

Don’t Take God’s Word Out of Context

This principle is probably the one that has been of greatest importance in my life and understanding of my singleness. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse is just one of many often said to people who are waiting on the Lord in various seasons of life. It is particularly used with single adults who “desire” to be married. Taking the liberty of applying Scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs.

Taking the liberty of applying Scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs.

As a transparent example from my life, I very much desired to have children. It is the great pain of my life and challenge to my joy that my path has not led to being a mother. My story is too long to tell here, yet ultimately, alongside this disappointment, I also very much delight myself in the Lord. My trust in Him grows, and my steps for Him are determined. And yet, there are “desires of my heart” He has not led me to fulfill. I had to wrestle with this verse, which has been spoken to me many times regarding marriage and having children, to align my experiences with what felt like contradictions to His Word. This verse does not promise marriage. Claiming this verse did not compel God to adhere to people’s application of it. The sincerity of people reassuring me that someday I would have children because that was my heart’s desire put a false hope in me that, for a time, damaged my faith in God’s goodness. Don’t set your client up to doubt His faithfulness in your effort to grow hope where He may not intend for it to grow. Don’t promise them what He hasn’t.

First Steps

We should not coach a person through their singleness and into new relationships without addressing their current relationships and considering the necessary skillsets that may need to be tuned or even acquired. Where are their successes? What attributes make them a success? What are their strengths in those relationships? What are their weaknesses? Help them grow in successful building and maintaining in the relationships they already have. As they align to what He has already given them—and seek His purposes for their life—the relationships they enter will have a better chance of developing from a place of health and freedom, not from need and dependence.

I came to a point in my life where I said, “Okay, God. You have not called me to be a wife or a mother. So, who am I? Who did you create me to be?” As I personally aligned myself to prioritize the relationships and goals God clearly ordained for me (follow Christ, love and honor my parents, be a good aunt, friend, coworker, etc.), that is when I began to really see God’s purpose and calling in my life. I began reaching for the goals He showed me. So far, that has not led to a husband and did not lead to bearing children, but my contentment is in knowing I sought the Lord for His plan, and I am convinced of His goodness in it. To be honest, this contentment does not always relieve the grief that comes with hopes deferred. However, the fulfillment I have in knowing that I am exactly where He has called me to be gives me incredible empowerment, peace, and even joy. Help your clients get healthy and align to God’s will in their existing relationships and seek Him for their next steps.

Haley Scully, MA, is the Vice President of Strategic and Ministry Projects with Hope for the Heart. In 2011, she began her work in the ministry’s counseling department before moving into the international work. She serves to develop partnerships, coordinate resources and distribution methods, and provide basic counseling and care ministry training for church leaders and parachurch organizations in over 25 countries around the world. Haley concurrently helps provide leadership for professional development initiatives that include training and resourcing Christian caregivers, life coaches, and counselors. She earned her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications from Oklahoma State University and Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Haley is passionate about connecting hurting hearts to hope in Christ and the practical application of God’s Word to their everyday lives. She is a speaker, author, trainer, and serves as a guest host on June Hunt’s live, one-hour, call-in counseling program, Hope In The Night.

Do You Yearn for Reconciliation?

by June Hunt on February 24th, 2025

Personally, I know the pain of a broken relationship—the hurt, the heartache, and, oh the agony! Yes, I know the longing for a restored relationship—for pure heart-to-heart connection—only to have reconciliation denied. No matter how hard I tried or how much I prayed, the relationship was never restored. And it took years for my heart to heal.

However, I also know the intentional commitment to achieve a reconciled relationship—with wrongs fully forgiven, hurts wholly healed, and the pain of the past remaining completely in the past. I consider a reconciled relationship a gift from God—a gift of grace from the God of all grace.

The Keys to Lasting Reconciliation

This kind of reconciliation doesn’t “just happen.” Lasting reconciliation requires a commitment of both quality time and quantity time within the relationship. This kind of focused attention involves:

processing the pain from the past,
changing wrong attitudes and actions,
forgiving what was fracturing, and
rebuilding a new relationship based on renewed trust.

Lasting reconciliation requires a commitment of both quality time and quantity time within the relationship.

Years ago, my mother’s secretary whispered, “June, I think you need to see this.” She handed me my sister’s doctoral dissertation. Within moments I read: “My mother and sister are the epitome of everything I do not want to be.” Well, I knew I was not my sister’s favorite person, but why the animosity? I simply could not understand her anger. Yet when she spoke angrily to my mother (or about her), I felt silently angry! Often, I tried to defend Mother, although my defense never worked.

Over the years, I have sought to stay on safe topics, avoiding the two “hot potatoes”—politics and religion. Occasionally my two sisters and I have insightful talks about our dysfunctional family growing up. (They are four and five years younger than I and aligned in most of their views.) One day the younger said words to this effect, “There’s a reason I cannot accept Christianity like you and Mother. The Christian teaching on submission is wrong. Mom submitted to Dad, yet look how he mistreated her!”

Of course, I agreed, abuse is always wrong—certainly according to the Bible. Still, I didn’t know how to bridge the gap between us—how to find the road to reconciliation for us. Meanwhile, when my intelligent, winsome sister became a US Ambassador, I flew to our nation’s capital for her swearing-in ceremony and wrote a fun song for the occasion. She loved it! Yet, I thought, I can’t really reach her heart. I know she doesn’t respect me. What can I do?

Invest in What She Holds Dear

It’s true, I couldn’t reach her, but I could reach out to those she loves—to her daughter and son. So back in Dallas, I hunted for three kinds of items: funny, “Americana,” and inspirational. I hoped the American-looking gifts would tap into their patriotic pride—especially living so far away from home. (Soon I felt like a Santa with my sacks of inexpensive gifts.) Then I wrote individual notes to go with each gift for my niece and nephew. Eventually, two gift-wrapped remembrances traveled overseas every three weeks for the four years of my sister’s appointment.

During her last year, she surprised me with a letter I will never forget: “Thank you for the kindness you’ve extended to my kids over these past difficult years. The gifts you’ve sent them have helped us stay well-connected to the family. In spite of the miles, the personal interest you’ve shown has been very meaningful to them. Our own relationship has blossomed in recent years—due to your tending. I appreciate this more than I can say.” Clearly, those years of investing in what my sister holds dear paid amazing “dividends” by putting us on the path to reconciliation.

Look for Common Ground

Later, after returning stateside to teach at Harvard, she invited me to speak at her conference: Core Connections – Women, Religion, Politics. Again, I was surprised. What subject should I select for an audience of 200? Obviously, I wanted a topic that connected with her; therefore, I chose Domestic Violence.

The beginning of my presentation was unusual: “Although I am a Christian, I don’t expect anyone else here to be one. However, I want you to write down certain Bible verses that will equip you to help victims of domestic violence—wives who assume they must submit to abusive husbands. Instead, you will help them discover they have a biblical right to move out of harm’s way.” Then I presented Scriptures such as, “Do not associate with one easily angered” and “A hot tempered man must pay the penalty. If you rescue him you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 22:24, 19:19). Ultimately, through this conference, many eyes were opened to the relevance of God’s truth—including the eyes of my sister.

Realize, if we have ruptured relationships with division and divisiveness, we need to discern: What is the stumbling block? Occasionally, I literally ask this question. As with my sister, the biblical teaching “Wives submit to your husbands” was the stumbling block. So I shared with her the words immediately preceding this verse, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Therefore, in the context of marriage, there should be mutual submission (see Ephesians 5:21-22). Then, I made sure she had our published book Domestic Violence—There’s No Excuse for Abuse.

Recently my sister said, “If you love me, love my family,” and she added, “June, you’ve done this. You visited my daughter in the hospital, you took my son into your home helping him find his way, you dedicated your book (Caring for a Loved One with Cancer) to my husband before he died of brain cancer.”

Learn Her Language of Love

Long ago, I recognized my need to learn another’s language of love. Since my sister’s favorite flower is the iris, I gave her an attractive mug adorned with an iris. She plays the harp, so I bought her a CD of soothing hymns on the harp. She also plays the piano, therefore most things musical will ring her bell. She adores Stanley, her green parrot, so I sent “Fascinating Facts on Parrots.” Whether locating items on mountain climbing or empowering women, I enjoy finding anything that speaks her language of love.

Even though we typically “cancel out each other’s votes,” for months we have engaged in “L&L Political Conversations” (her idea—note mine!)—to Listen and Learn from each other. She suggested we each pick one topic to give a 10-minute uninterrupted presentation, concluding with one action step: What I will do. However, these talks mustn’t try to make us adopt each other’s position. I responded, “OK, as long as this won’t rupture our relationship.” At the end of my first presentation, she slowly said, “I have to agree with everything you’ve said—100%.” Amazing! And after her presentation, I admitted, “I didn’t know many of the points you just presented.” It’s listening and it’s learning—and it’s working!

To achieve reconciliation, I look for common ground. I seek to prioritize what is meaningful to my sister, including her initiatives such as fighting Sex Trafficking and Prejudice. In turn, she has given me resources for my writings on both these topics. Today, we have a reconciled relationship (even with our differences)—something I never thought possible. And I must add, what relief, what peace, and what hope for our hearts!

If a reconciled relationship is the desire of your heart, the Bible says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). Notice, it takes two to reconcile a relationship. You cannot force it, but you can pave the way for it. These biblical words have been my aim: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). As you do your part for reconciliation, rest in your relationship with the Lord. You can have a fully reconciled relationship with your Redeemer. Recognize that Jesus is not just “the Prince of Peace,” He will be your peace. When people around you are not peaceful, the Bible says, “He IS our peace” (Ephesians 2:14). With Christ living inside you, you can live in peace because of your reconciled relationship with Him. What could be more important!

June Hunt, MA, is the Founder and Chief Servant Officer of Hope for the Heart, a worldwide counseling and caregiving ministry that offers Biblical hope and practical help in more than 60 countries and 36 languages. The Keys for Living Library provides the foundation for the ministry’s award-winning radio program, Hope in the Night, a live, one-hour, call-in counseling program. Her passion to help others through Biblical counsel is fueled by her joy in seeing a life changed through Christ. As an accomplished author, speaker, and musician, June has been a guest on various national television and radio programs, including the NBC Today show. She has toured overseas with the USO and has been a guest soloist with the Billy Graham Crusades. See more at: www.junehunt.org

Adding Value to Strategically Build Your Coaching Career

by John Trent and Kari Trent Stageberg on January 31st, 2025

The Invisible Marketplace Number

These are hard times for everyone – except people who have managed their opportunities in alignment with their greatest strengths. The more challenging it is for others, the more they seem to succeed. Why do opportunities continually flow toward them and feel as if they may be passing you by in the process? What do the most successful know that you don’t know? Most likely nothing. They are not necessarily smarter than you, but they are probably more strategic. They know how to leverage professional growth in such a way to position themselves for greater worth in the marketplace.

If this concept is new to you, consider there is a dollar sign that invisibly floats above your head. It communicates to employers what you are worth, not in the personal sense, but more related to their organization or business. For some, it only shows an unskilled number that reflects minimum wage opportunities at entry level positions. For others, it may show a six-figure income of proven corporate leadership. Here is the catch: everyone has that invisible number, but only a few have done anything to make it more prominent.

A friend recently asked me my thoughts on why she did not get a promotion during her annual review. She believed her employer was biased against her status as an older female worker. I told her it was something else entirely. The employer was not against her age or gender; rather, the employer was against paying more simply because of more years at the same job. Your salary is not based on what you think you are worth; your salary is based on what the marketplace thinks you are worth.

In the few minutes I spent with my friend, we discussed how to move from feeling disappointed and resentful after the review, to leveraging feelings she was experiencing and making herself more valuable.

Taking Action to Increase Your Number

How to change your invisible marketplace number is in your control, not your employers. The fastest way to ramp up the value is by building your professional skills. Improving your skills is an intentional choice. Instead of waiting on someone to notice your “gifting,” you must be willing to take action to grow. You begin to practice what author Seth Godin challenges others to do: “Pick Yourself.”

There are skills you can incorporate to increase your salary, opportunities, and value to employers. If you want to bring home a larger paycheck and build the respect that comes from greater professional influence, mentally answer these questions: Which accomplishments would our competitors be impressed by? What have I done to be the most skilled person in this organization?

Top Strategies to Build Your Career

Here are top strategies and industry markers to help boost income as the logical consequence from strategically building your career. Assess your value by asking if any of the following pertain to you:

Gained advanced education
Gained specialized industry certification
Attended industry events to strengthen your skill set
Hired a coach to leverage gifting and maximize potential
Stepped into community leadership roles
Involved in trade or industry associations as a volunteer or committee member
Involved in trade or industry associations as a trainer or panel member
Asked to speak for local organizations as a recognized expert
Mentored younger leaders inside the industry or another industry
Quoted by other media or OTT media
Become recognized by YouTube, LinkedIn, or another social media as an influencer
Creating content on a personal blog, podcast, webcast, or YouTube channel
Given a TEDx or Pecha Kucha presentation to show industry knowledge
Written or co-authored a book to share your expertise
Written or co-authored an article in a national publication
Editor on Wikipedia or other web-based industry platforms
Quoted as an “expert” by podcasters, webcasters, or local and national media
Created or deepened income streams for your organization
Created strategic partnerships for your organization
Created strong brand awareness for your organization
Bilingual? Trilingual?
Years of industry experience as a trusted team member or team leader
Well established or well networked with strategic leaders across the seven “streams of influence” (Education, Government, Media, Religion, Business, Arts, or Family)

Here’s the good news: The more these factors have been built into your career and integrated within digital and other portfolios, the more the marketplace will compensate you and seek you out because you have actively created value. When you pick you, others will see your confidence and are more likely to pick you as well.

If you have not done anything to create greater value, however, don’t automatically expect a raise. During times of recession, companies assess their employees from most to least valuable, and if you are not viewed as highly skilled, you can expect to be more vulnerable to being let go.

Get Started!

Does this make sense? Good…then get started! You can have great ideas that go nowhere if you wait until everything is perfect. Here is the Strategic Change Principle: When you add more value, the marketplace rewards you with more value to share.

Dwight Bain, MA, is the Founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. He helps people rewrite their stories through strategic change and is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. Since 1984, Dwight has helped thousands of people across America as a Keynote Speaker, Certified Leadership Coach, Nationally Certified Counselor, and a Critical Incident Stress Management expert. He is a trusted media resource on managing major change and has been interviewed on hundreds of radio and television stations, has been quoted in over 100 publications, and is the author of Destination Success: A Map for Living Out Your Dreams. For more, see www.dwightbain.com

The Power of Proximity: Navigating the High Hills of Coaching Together

by John Trent and Kari Trent Stageberg on January 13th, 2025

What Does a “Strong” Coach Look Like?

What does it mean for us to build up, train, or become a “Strong” Coach? Let’s allow God’s Word to speak into that question: “I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you . . . Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1: 5, 9 NASB).

These amazing words, from a loving heavenly Father to Joshua, were spoken as he stepped into his “first day on the job” in leading God’s people. Joshua had a huge undertaking ahead of him, which—as you may know—came right after a tremendously difficult time just behind him. And doesn’t that sound like where we may also be as we launch into life coaching ourselves?

Despite very real challenges, however, there is a reason—in this increasingly online world—that the field of “coaching” others is exploding! This is not merely because we are more frequently looking “online” to pursue training, but because so many people around us NEED HELP and hope in the very coaching areas represented by ICCI.

It’s Time to Get to Work

In short, there could not be a better time to join ICCI in this incredible life coaching platform, nor a better time to listen to that “command” from our Lord to choose courage over fear . . . strength in Him over worry and “trembling” at what we have lost or even the forces that seem to be lining up against health, life, and godliness. We believe it is time to get busy with this great task and opportunity before us, to train coaches whose lives can consistently reflect God’s love, have a strong foundation in Scripture, and a genuine commitment to each other.

Our commitment is to do all we can to give you tools, insights, or “pictures” from the “well of wonders” that our God gives us in His Word, science, and coaching.

We believe it is time to get busy with this great task and opportunity before us, to train coaches whose lives can consistently reflect God’s love, have a strong foundation in Scripture, and a genuine commitment to each other.

Bioscience, Visual Perception, and Scripture

You may have heard on numerous occasions how “bioscience” continues to confirm amazing things about the ways we do life and relationships. Let’s take for example a remarkable study on “visual perception” and the “picture” it gives us of a strong life coach. Researchers already knew from a number of other studies that when we stand in front of a high hill all alone, our brain perceives the hill to be far higher than it really is. However, Gross and Proffit demonstrated something we are committed to doing for you, and for you to do with those you are coaching.¹

The researchers were biometrically measuring people as they stood there alone and looked up at the hill before them. Then they would have someone (often a close friend) walk up and take the subject’s hand or put their hand on the person’s shoulder. This was not just to “be there” to cheer them on regarding the task before them, but to actually climb the hill with them.

Guess what happened to the experimental subjects? In terms of “visual perception,” the hill shrunk. Here is a technical way of describing what happened: “Proximity to social resources decreases the cost of climbing both the literal and figurative hills we face, because the brain construes social resources as bioenergetic resources, much like oxygen or glucose.”²

It’s amazing how science always backs up Scripture. As believers, ICCI Life Coaches, and Trainers, we do not have to look at those challenging “high hills” alone. Much like the Lord said to Joshua, there is all the “oxygen and energy” we need when we look to our God! “Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you” (Joshua 1:5 NASB). Our God does NOT grow weary or tired of walking with us, and this reminds us of the Lord’s words in Hebrews 13:5 about Jesus, “For He Himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you” (NKJV).

You Are Not Alone

Our goal will be to remind you of the incredible ways a faithful, loving God and His beloved Son are there to take our hands and demonstrate how they stand with us no matter the literal or figurative challenges before us.

Whether you are seeking to become an ICCI LifeMapping® Coach, ICCI Relational Strengths Coach, ICCI Blessing Coach (the three areas we are here to train, coach, and encourage you in), or any of the many outstanding tracks you will find in the network, one thing remains . . . you are NOT alone, and you do not have to fulfill God’s calling in your life alone.

Yes, there are “high hills” in front of us all, but we want to remind you that God is beside you every step, including the “uphill” ones. We are honored to say we are here for you as part of team ICCI and fellow life coaches.

¹Gross, J.J., & Proffit, D. (2013). The economy of social resources and its influence on spatial perceptions. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 772.

²James A. Coan and David A. Sbarra, Social baseline theory: The social regulation of risk and effort, Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 87-91.

John Trent, PhD, is the President and Founder of StrongFamilies.com and The Center for StrongFamilies. A nationally known marriage and family speaker, radio personality, and author, Dr. Trent regularly presents at conferences and keynote events for churches and organizations, such as Promise Keepers, throughout corporate America, as well as for several branches of our military across the country and world. He also served for five years as the Gary D. Chapman Chair of Marriage and Family Ministry and Therapy at Moody Theological Seminary. Dr. Trent is a best-selling and award-winning author who has authored and co-authored more than 26 books in eleven different languages, six books for children, and seventeen that have won writing awards, including the two-million copy best-selling book, The Blessing. See more at www.StrongFamilies.com

Kari Trent Stageberg, MBA, is a speaker and author who is best known for her work on the book, The Blessing. Kari also serves as the CEO for StrongFamilies, a ministry she runs with her father, Dr. John Trent, to help strengthen families through God-honoring attachment or “Blessing”-centered relationships. She has worked with multiple nonprofit organizations in the areas of fundraising, marketing, and strategic planning, and also co-founded a consulting company, The Nonprofit Consulting Shop, several years ago to provide top-level training and resources to small and start-up nonprofits. As a survivor of abuse, Kari’s passion is to help others find freedom and healing in Christ. See more at www.StrongFamilies.com

New Year’s Coaching Resolutions

by Igor Cabral on January 1st, 2024

As the clock strikes midnight and we bid farewell to the old year, we begin to reflect on ways we can improve personally and professionally in the new year. As coaches, we find ourselves at the forefront of helping others embrace change, set goals, and navigate life’s challenges. Coaches can also benefit personally from evaluating our own practices and establishing intentions to guide our progress for the next season. Here is a guide to New Year’s resolutions aimed at enhancing our effectiveness and well-being.

Cultivate continued learning.

Resolution: Commit to ongoing professional development by attending workshops, conferences, and engaging in relevant courses. Stay informed about the latest research, methodologies, and techniques to provide the best support for clients.

Enhance empathy and active listening skills.

Resolution: Strive to deepen your ability to empathize and actively listen to clients. Take the time to understand their perspectives fully, fostering a safe and trusting environment for open communication.

Incorporate prayer into your sessions.

Resolution: Integrate prayer into your coaching sessions—either during the sessions if the clients are comfortable with it, or before sessions to prepare your heart and mind. Consider also how important prayer is in your personal daily routine.

Set boundaries and self-care goals.

Resolution: Recognize the importance of self-care to prevent burnout. Set clear boundaries between work and personal life, and prioritize activities that promote your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Remember, a healthy and balanced coach can provide better support to clients.

Utilize technology for professional growth.

Resolution: Embrace technology to enhance your coaching practice. Explore new tools, platforms, or apps that can streamline administrative tasks, offer virtual sessions, and facilitate communication with clients.

Foster collaborative relationships.

Resolution: Cultivate connections with others in your field. Attend networking events, collaborate on projects, and engage in mentoring to exchange insights and support each other’s growth.

Implement outcome measures.

Resolution: Integrate outcome measures into your practice to track client progress systematically. This will not only help you assess the effectiveness of your interventions but also empower clients by highlighting their achievements.

Adopt a strengths-based approach.

Resolution: Focus on clients’ strengths and celebrate small wins rather than solely addressing challenges. Encourage a strengths-based mindset in both your clients and yourself to foster resilience and optimism.

Our prayer for you is that the upcoming year would be filled with hope, growth, and meaningful connections.

Christmas Is About Leaving

by Eric Scalise, PHD on December 22nd, 2023

What does Christmas really mean for you? I once read a quote, supposedly made by an eight-year-old girl named Emily. Whether entirely true or not, I still appreciate the thought . . . “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents long enough to just listen.”

As I sat down to write this, my mind wandered back to a Christmas nearly 45 years ago when I was in graduate school. The church I was part of asked me if I would be willing to escort a mother and her three young children all the way to India so she and the kids could be with their missionary father for Christmas. He had been ministering for months in remote villages, bringing the “Good News” to the lost and hungry. We brought presents from the church, but my best gift that year was seeing the joy on the faces of those children when they ran into the arms of their dad.

It suddenly hit me . . . Christmas is about leaving! That was the first and only Christmas I have ever not spent with family members, and yet, it was one of the most deeply significant for me. Let’s look a little closer at the biblical narrative and consider this notion.

The greatest gift in all eternity is found in one of our most beloved Scriptures . . . John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” It was the Father’s love and the Father’s plan, but Jesus had to be willing to leave heaven and come to the earth. Philippians 2:7 says, “. . . He made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” I often wonder what the angels must have thought to see the Creator take on the form of the created, hidden in Mary’s womb, and then as a newborn baby. Why did He leave heaven?

Hebrews 12:2 offers an interesting thought, saying, “For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross.” What was that joy? Was it you and me? Redeemed humanity? I would give an emphatic, “Yes” to those questions. However, if we were to examine the words a little closer, we see that the word “for” in the Greek is “ante,” which can also be translated “instead of.” Let’s reread the verse with this in mind . . . “Instead of the joy set before him, He endured the cross.” So, what was set before Him? The splendor and glory of heaven was before Him. Pure, indescribable joy and fellowship with the Father and the Holy Spirit was before Him. Yet, He chose to leave all this for the sake of you and me. No wonder the Apostle Paul could say, “Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift” (2 Cor. 9:15).

There’s more. Mary and Joseph left Nazareth and made their way to Bethlehem in fulfillment of prophecy about the coming Messiah (Luke 2:4). On the night of Christ’s birth, the shepherds left their flocks after the heavenly birth announcement delivered by a chorus of angels (Luke 2:15). Magi from the east (though not in Bethlehem that night) left their homes to find the King of Kings and worship Him (Matt. 2:1-2). Mary and Joseph then left Bethlehem and fled to Egypt after being warned by an angel (Matt. 2:14).

In God’s upside-down kingdom, we often have to leave something in order to find something. What are you looking for and what do you have to leave to find it? Today, God still invites us to leave. All it takes is a step of faith, the willingness to trust or an act of obedience.

Before I close, let me ask one last question. What do you give the person who has everything? In fact, what do you give to the One who is everything? Let’s take another look at the gifts the magi brought. Gold speaks of great value, majesty, and being a king. Give God your time, talent, and treasure—those things that are most valuable to your heart. Frankincense was only used in altar worship and represents the offering of prayer. Give God your worship—your attention and devotion. Myrrh speaks of death and burial. Give God your sacrifice, so that whatever dies can also be resurrected.

Not just “wishing” you a Merry Christmas, but praying for a profoundly transformative one!

Eric Scalise, PhD, currently serves as Senior Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer (CSO) with Hope for the Heart. He is also the President of LIV Consulting, LLC, the former Senior Vice President for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) and former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 42 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health field, and he served six years on the Virginia Board of Counseling under two governors. Specialty areas include professional/pastoral stress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, grief and loss, addictions and recovery, leadership development, and lay counselor training. He is a published author, adjunct professor at several Christian universities, conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues.

On Saturday, I Went to Prison

by Haley Scully, MA on October 9th, 2023

Note: Adapted from GracefullyFrank.Blogspot.com, August 6, 2012

On Saturday, I went to prison. It was the kind of prison with razor wire and fences and armed guards. Prison is a place I’ve never wanted to go. I had the opportunity to be part of the small team allowed to go with the founder of the ministry I work for. You could call the women there inmates, convicted felons, murderers, embezzlers, prostitutes, or conspirators. However, as I learned on Saturday, you could also call them daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and friends. Going to the prison is definitely something about which I would have said, “I’m not called to do that” (usually translated: I don’t want to do that). When will I learn?

It may look good on a spiritual resume to be able to type “Prison Ministry,” but if it is out of my desire to perform a work, and not out of love for the broken and hurting, then I should stay home. I wasn’t broken or hurting for them. I may have felt sorry for them, but mostly I was just going on a righteous fieldtrip. Most other “religions” have a do-good-to-others list of activities, ultimately for the self-benefit of good coming back to you. Some Christians get stuck on a list of dos and don’ts, not realizing that as Jesus changes our hearts, He changes our behaviors. We don’t have to be strong enough to please Him; it’s kind of the opposite. He wants my heart, not my works, not perfection—just my heart. Maybe God is teaching me to love like He loves, instead of just how I want to love.

On Saturday, I went to prison…

Prison officials sent us a list of “Dos and Don’ts” that included what kind of shoes to wear in case we needed to run. Don’t wear a lot of jewelry. Don’t wear khaki. Don’t touch the inmates. Don’t ask them why they are in there. Don’t ask them about their medical conditions. The officials had to send the list to prepare us, and to keep things safe, but it was a little unsettling. I tend to play out worst-case scenarios in my mind. In fourth grade, I used to plan through what I would do if Russian parachutes started dropping on the Liberty Elementary playground. I would crawl up in the cubby behind Mrs. Hanby’s desk and wait until nightfall. Then, making my way to the railroad tracks through the drainage ditch by the park, I would meet up with Patrick Swayze and any other Liberty Leopards who made it out. Mostly just daydreams, but had the Russians ever dropped on Ponca City, Oklahoma, during my fourth-grade year, I did have a plan. I thought through a plan for things at the prison, too. Again, mostly not serious, but a mix of Die Hard, Walker Texas Ranger, and Nicholas Cage in The Rock offered a tentative plan of escape. And again, I don’t know if it would have worked.

I guess I thought the women would be so different from me. In a lot of ways they were, but in all the ways that matter they weren’t. When we walked in, all the women were already seated. Close to 300 of them stood and started clapping. We took our seats in the front row, treated as honored guests. They loved June Hunt and the hope she has shared with them for over 25 years.

Then, to my heartbreak, they began their ministry to us. Women with their faces painted with different mime-like makeup to represent their individual characters sat in chairs already at the front of the audience. The chairs had signs on them that read: Liar, Robber, Killer, Suicidal, Abortion, Confused, Adulterer, and Atheist. Then they did a performance dance to this song:

What If? – Mirella and Kanto (song by James Fortune)

These women I would have called inmates, I left thinking of as sisters whom Christ came to love and set free. They laid their sins bare and asked through this song:

“Would He love me?”

“Would He forgive me?”

“Would He save me?”

“Would He dare to use me?”

The answer for Jesus is yes. Always yes. The answer for me hasn’t always been so consistent. In prison, He showed me His love for them, and for me.

As they danced and I cried, He showed me something else: Prison is their freedom. I began to see that God used this prison to set them free. Of course, prison comes with its own pain, yet based on the love and thanksgiving they displayed in front of us, that prison is their gracious wilderness leading to their victory in Christ. They are still suffering the consequences in this life, yet being set free of the chains that have bound them, and accepting there is hope beyond their sentence.

I have been pondering: What prison is my freedom? What prison is your freedom? Is it depression that has you bound? Is it addiction? Is it grief? Is it failure? Is it rejection? I’m not an inmate at a women’s prison, but I have experienced the prisons of consequences of my own actions that have bound me, and looking back graciously, forced me to be still. God in His mercy may imprison us to protect us from ourselves, so we may be saved, redeemed, and freed into new life. Less like prison, more like shelter. Time to heal. Time for truth. That is the picture I saw on Saturday—new life, not hopelessness. Sometimes He will allow us time in the wilderness, He will touch our hip out of socket, and He will allow the consequences to provide an opportunity for us to turn back in repentance to where our heart belongs.

You may wonder how a loving God could allow the prisons. But how could a loving God not? How could a loving God leave any stone unturned, even a stone that may be thrown at us, if it would lead to salvation? Why would He take away the desperation that leads us to Him? It’s important to know, we can avoid prison. It’s also important to know that when we don’t, one day He will open the door and set the captives free. And it’s most important to know that day can always be today, from the inside out, whether the bars of our prison are literal or not. Amazing Grace.

From Broken to Blended: Building Strong Families

by Timothy Smith, MA on October 2nd, 2023

It took just 18 days from the time my wife told me she wanted to date other men to the day she walked out of the family. On that first day, I had no idea this would become the defining adventure of my life. I was suddenly a single dad in the early ’90s and raising three young children. Even now, I can recall every moment of that day. How would I tell my children that their mother would no longer live with us? As a ministry leader, how would I muster explaining to my board and leadership what had happened? How would they respond—and how would I battle the stigma of being divorced in a Christian ministry culture?

Some 100 million Americans have a step-relationship, and yet churches broadly do a poor job of ministering to or supporting blended families. I would quickly discover in my own journey that the churches often stopped at “recovery” for those in the midst of divorce. There was little or no guidance for remarriage, when the time came, or parenting in a blended family. And that was in the 1990s. Today, the statistics reveal most of our congregants are touched by divorce, remarriage, and step-relationships—if not in their own immediate family, certainly in their extended family networks.

The U.S. Bureau of Census states that nearly 1,300 new stepfamilies are formed each day. The average marriage in America lasts seven years. One of every two marriages ends in divorce, and more than 50 percent of U.S. families are remarried or re-coupled. More than half of the 60 million children under age 13 currently live with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner (from www.stepfamily.org). According to the Stepfamily Foundation’s research, more than 60 percent of divorced fathers visit their children because they do not legally “reside” with their fathers. So, neither government nor academic research includes these fathers and their children as stepfamilies! The father may be a single dad, but most likely he is re-coupled or remarried, thus creating a stepfamily. These children shuttle between their parents’ homes, radically increasing the numbers of stepfamilies, leaving fathers ignored and uncounted. Two-thirds of stepfamilies complain of “not having access to resources as a stepfamily,” according to a recent Stepfamily Foundation survey of 2,000 web questionnaire respondents.

So, how can the Church come alongside blended families? A place to start is by reframing our language and mindset. We often refer to a “broken” family, but we should challenge ourselves to help people move away from a mindset that their family is broken. Rather, we should strive toward the idea of a blended family that can be vibrant, healthy, and full of love and life.

Churches often tell an incomplete story when it comes to the blended family, and worse, typically fail to offer resources or opportunities for connection beyond divorce recovery. Evaluate your church’s ministries and programs through the lens of how many speak to and minister to those families. Churches have a role in helping parents blend all the diverse personalities of the newly formed family. How do you lead a family which now involves influences and modeling different from your own?

As coaches, mentors, small group leaders, pastors, and lay leaders, there are some key principles and practical tools on this journey of coming alongside blended families:

There is typically a time of great pain and trauma before the new blended family was formed. In most cases, this pain has never truly been dealt with and sorted.
- A big step forward in blended families is to help family members park the pain struggles of the past. Otherwise, these painful memories and bad habits often move forward into the new relationships.
There are memories from the day the original family fractured that will stay with family members.
- Later, children may act out due to memories and experiences that trace back to the day their lives were disrupted.
There are “triggers” which will take family members back to these painful times and memories.
- It might be a meal, a trip, or a movie. Many things can trigger a person to go back to past pain.
- Sometimes this trigger causes a person to revisit their failures or disappointment as though it is very present.
Many face a (perceived or real) “stigma” of divorce, remarriage, and blended families inside their church.
- Recognize how the very institution many families have turned to has failed them in finding a place of belonging.
- The mere statistics of this growing demographic is a call to our churches to equip leaders and coaches to mentor people in blended families.
Recognize the people we are mentoring have not had access to church resources like the traditional family does.
- How can we meet these families at their point of need and offer real solutions?

It is my prayer and strong belief that church and ministry leaders can set a course of change for blended families and provide a much-needed playbook for those seeking to help this amazing family system. In fact, the future health of the larger body of Christ is tied to it. We hope you will be inspired to look at how you serve these families in a new way—moving from broken to blended and strong.

Tim Smith, MA, has over 35 years of experience with nonprofit organizations in administration, management, and fund development. He has also served as a Development Officer in nonprofit organizations and Executive Pastor for two megachurches. Tim recently served as Chief Development Officer for the Museum of the Bible and is the Founder and President of NonProfit DNA, a development and consulting agency. He is married to Olivia, and they share a total of six children. Tim is the author of Donors Are People Too: Managing Relationships with Your Ministry’s Major Contributors, a book on the art of personal relationship with donors, and What Have I Gotten Myself Into, released in 2019. See more at: www.blendednotbroken.org

Distinctives of Christian Life Coaching

by Dwight Bain, MA and Georgia Shaffer, MA on September 25th, 2023

Note: This content offers an abbreviated glimpse into the ICCI course “Christian Life Coaching Foundations I: Creating the Right Environment”—You can purchase the course here.

What is life coaching? How is coaching different from counseling or mentoring? These are two key questions to address as you begin your journey of becoming a credentialed ICCI Christian Life Coach. In this blog, we will explore some answers to point you in the direction of learning more about the definitions, distinctions, and differences of these avenues to helping people develop.

What is Life Coaching?

Life coaching is a process that brings out the potential in people by focusing on the possibilities and the bigger picture so they can find greater fulfillment. The coach supports the “coachee” toward achieving a specific personal or professional goal by providing training and guidance. Coaching asks:

What were you born to do?
What is your greater purpose?
What do you wake up every morning excited about?

Through the coaching process, coaches learn someone’s story and challenges. Coaches get to be creative in brainstorming options to find what works for their client. The coach and client are on an equal level, working together as partners. There are elements of relationship, yet the coaching process is task-oriented and performance-driven.

How are Coaching, Counseling, and Mentoring Different?

While we could go deeper into the definition of coaching, let’s compare coaching with counseling and mentoring and take note of some important differences.

Counseling concentrates on a person’s past and how it may have led to pain and problems in the present. Counseling focuses on solving those problems and raising the person to a place of stability. Coaching looks at a person’s present and future, and then focuses on possibilities. The counselor and counselee have a strictly professional relationship, not personal. Counselors must follow certain rules and ethical standards, while coaches are less restricted and able to be more relational while still being professional.

Mentoring is relationship-oriented, and some mentoring relationships last a lifetime. The mentor is on a different level than the mentee, able to share wisdom from experience, and spends more time talking. In coaching, the coach and coachee are equals, and the coach spends more time listening. In the biblical sense, mentoring is all about growing one’s faith, where coaching can also grow one’s faith even if not the primary goal.

Here is a chart to highlight these differences:

	Coaching	Counseling	Mentoring
Focus	Present to future; possibilities	Past to present; pain and problems	Present; spiritual development
Purpose	Achieving goals	Getting to a place of stability	Growing in faith
Relationship	Professional and personal	Professional	Personal, long-term
Talking vs. Listening	Coachee mostly talks; coach listens and provides guidance	Counselee mostly talks; counselor listens, asks questions, and takes notes	Mentee asks questions and mostly listens; mentor shares wisdom
Training	Not required, though highly recommended	Required; degree, licensing, ongoing education, etc.	Not required

Let’s not overlook this last significant point: God’s Word is the difference between coaching and Christian coaching. The Bible is the filter Christian coaches use to eradicate fear with truth. Many people who may come to you for coaching are limited by fear and in need of truth. If you bring God’s Word accurately into your coaching practice, you will see God transform hearts. Christian coaching can change the world, one heart at a time!

To learn more about the distinctives of coaching and how to integrate the Bible into your work and ministry, sign up for our Christian Life Coaching Foundations courses:

iccicoaching.com/training

Dwight Bain, MA, is the Founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. He helps people rewrite their stories through strategic change and is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. Since 1984, Dwight has helped thousands of people across America as a Keynote Speaker, Certified Leadership Coach, Nationally Certified Counselor, and a Critical Incident Stress Management expert. He is a trusted media resource on managing major change and has been interviewed on hundreds of radio and television stations, has been quoted in over 100 publications, and is the author of Destination Success: A Map for Living Out Your Dreams. For more, see www.dwightbain.com.

Georgia Shaffer, M.A., is the Founder and Executive Director of Mourning Glory Ministries, a Licensed Psychologist in Pennsylvania, and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) with the International Coaching Federation. She has authored five books, including the best-selling Taking Out Your Emotional Trash. Georgia is a sought after speaker, has been a media guest on numerous outlets, and developed the ReBUILD After Divorce Program. For more than twenty-five years, she has encouraged, counseled, and coached those who are confronting troubling times. From being a cancer survivor who was given less than a two percent chance of living, as well as someone who has personally faced the upheaval brought by divorce, single parenthood, and the loss of career and income, Georgia knows the courage, resilience, and perseverance needed to begin anew. When she isn’t writing, speaking or coaching, she enjoys working in her backyard garden. It’s there she loves to garden for her soul. See more at www.georgiashaffer.com

Truth Out of Context: You Can’t Always Get What You Want

by Emily Fraige on September 18th, 2023

“Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.”

(Psalm 37:4 NASB)

Desires of Our Hearts

This verse raises many questions: Does this apply to any desire of our hearts? Is God obligated to give our desires to us? What does it mean to delight ourselves in the Lord? We will explore these questions and more as we dig into the background of this passage and examine how it may be properly applied in the field of Christian life coaching.

Common Misconceptions

Has a well-meaning brother or sister in Christ ever shared this verse with you (if you are single or when you were single) to encourage you that someday God would bring you a spouse who would make all your dreams come true? Sometimes this verse is used as an attempt—often unsolicited—to give “hope” to single Christians. Some singles are not looking for a spouse and are content in their singleness (which is a biblical attitude; remember, the apostle Paul was unmarried and praised the benefits of singleness!).

Other times, this verse may be viewed as a formula for getting what we want from God. People may think, “If I just spend some time doing what God wants me to do, then I can have the __________ that I really want” (fill in the blank with things like job, promotion, spouse, relationships, applause/approval, success, money, etc.). The focus turns to the individual and anything the individual wants, as often occurs when any verse is taken out of context and misapplied.

Context and Meaning

The theme of Psalm 37 is justice, as the passage portrays the contrasting outcomes for the wicked and the righteous. The righteous can trust God’s justice because He will sustain and deliver them, but the wicked will face destruction. Despite knowing this, righteous people often compare their lives with the lives of those who don’t follow God but still seem to be enjoying prosperity. When the wicked have great material possessions and outward signs of success, the righteous tend to worry, grow envious, and doubt God’s justice. This fear, envy, and unbelief leads to more sin and evil (37:8).

Amid this discussion of the temptation to doubt God’s justice, we find this verse about delighting in the Lord and receiving the desires of our heart. David, the author of this psalm, reminds us to trust God and to continue doing good (37:3) and to commit our lives to Him (37:5). Trust in God should prompt us to enjoy time with God. When we delight in the Lord above everything else, we cannot desire anything that would go against His will. Our desires come into alignment with God’s. Worldly, unrestrained desires actually steal our joy and peace. Godly desires bring us security, blessing, and a future (37:29).

Appropriate Application

Human beings are constantly comparing themselves. That is why one of the Ten Commandments instructs us not to covet anything our neighbor has (Exodus 20:17 or why David cries to God multiple times in the Psalms about how his enemies’ victories seem unfair to him. In today’s culture, social media has provided outlets for this comparison problem to explode. Many people you are coaching or counseling—or simply coming into contact with—are likely to be struggling with comparison and feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, or loneliness fueled by social media and popular culture.

This verse reminds us that the worldly desires and success we are tempted to pursue will not bring us the joy we seek. We were designed by God to follow His desires for our lives. We need to bring our desires back into alignment with God’s desires for holiness, love, peace, and goodness. This verse does not promise money, fame, or popularity, but it does promise intimacy with God and a life that pleases Him. Nothing is more important.

This psalm points us to several key things we should be doing as righteous followers of Christ: trust in God’s justice and wait patiently for it, release anger and envy, and be gracious and generous. Focusing on doing these good things instead of comparing our situation with others can alleviate a great deal of our negative emotions. Finding a spouse will not solve our problems. Making tons of money will not solve our problems. Reordering our priorities the way God intended by seeking His kingdom first (Matthew 6:33) is the only way to achieve the good and godly life.

Emily Fraige, MA, is a writer and editor with ICCI and Hope for the Heart. She helps to develop resources for the ICCI courses, contributes to quarterly publications, and edits a variety of materials for the ministry. Prior to working with ICCI, she served with the student ministry at Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, TX, where she helped to create devotionals and small-group curriculum for students. She earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in English from Biola University and Master of Arts in Biblical Exegesis and Linguistics from Dallas Theological Seminary. Emily is passionate about helping people interpret God’s Word accurately and apply it to their lives.

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