Anticipating Weakness

by Haley Scully, MA on May 29th, 2023

Adapted from GracefullyFrank.Blogspot.com

Do your words ever come back to bite you? They don’t actually bite, but they are gracious reminders not to go backwards when I’m tempted. Ebenezer words, if you will. In my corner of the world and work, there is a lot going on in anticipation of some good things coming. Sometimes I can borrow trouble from tomorrow, thinking it’s going to be too big a bite to chew. In other words, I can be prone to anticipate weakness from time to time. But then, my own past “lesson-learned” and encouragement comes nipping at my heels. Maybe these words will nip at you this week, hopefully in a good way.

Tears in the Airport

One day, not so long ago, I was on my way home from Toronto, Canada. I am in the Toronto airport with “cry eyes.” Stress falls out my eyes. Several different emotions tend to do that. It had been a really wonderful few days there with our ministry partner, her husband, staff, and volunteers. We learned so much about their global ministry, where they are making an amazing impact. I am humbled, emotional, and thankful God has allowed me to be part of this. That morning we were going to church with our sweet friends, and the only word I understood was the name “Jesu.” That name I can hear loud and clear.

As we drove toward the airport, we began receiving multiple emails from the airline that had promised to take us home, that our flight is delayed. First one hour, then another, then another, then another. I calmly told my coworker, “I am going to cry, and I don’t want to talk about it.” I was at the point of the trip where I did not want to talk anymore. I didn’t even want to listen. Just let me cry for a minute, because I was emotional and discouraged our flight was delayed. I anticipated weakness when we got in so late, and I don’t like feeling weak. The later our departure time, the later our arrival time, the later I start my drive from Dallas, Texas, back to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. As it stood, it would be well after midnight before I got back and lugged my junk back up to my bedroom.

So, I began to cry a little as the stress of anticipating weakness began to creep in on me. I was going to get in late, I was going to have a long drive, I was by myself, I was tired, and honestly, I didn’t want to do any of that! I was anticipating struggle and frustration that would probably end in me having to pull over or stop at a creepy gas station with blinking lights and crickets everywhere, and then the following week, the video footage of me walking in and never leaving would be on the nightly news. My imagination can run away from me when I start feeling weak.

Anticipating Strength

As I caught myself going through the worst-case scenarios, I suddenly thought, Why don’t I anticipate strength? Why don’t I anticipate that I’m going to have exactly the strength I need to get where I’m going? Why don’t I anticipate that the road will rise beneath me? Why don’t I anticipate I will stop at a well-lit place for gas and get a great cup of coffee and turn on some of my favorite songs and knock out that drive as if I were headed home, circa 1985, with my dad behind the wheel?

Why don’t I anticipate strength? How many Scriptures do I need to read and believe before I anticipate His help and strength? How many times can I encourage others to anticipate strength and still melt when I am faced with needing it, or at least try to politely check out of all encouragement and wallow a little bit? God will supply all my needs. He is my strength. He will complete what He has started. He loves me and is with me.

Whatever weakness I assumed I would have once I landed back in Dallas was a made-up story in my head, because wasn’t even there yet. It’s not unreasonable to anticipate it might not be the easiest thing I had ever done or that I would be tired, but to sit there in Canada crying was feeling more and more silly each time my finger falls on one of the letters of this keyboard. I will have the strength I need—to get home, to get my work done, to go to Africa in two weeks. As I anticipate weakness later tonight, all the anticipated weakness for the next six months starts to flood my thoughts. Yet, again, I have a choice: anticipate weakness or anticipate strength. The one I choose will drastically affect my decisions, my mood, my peace, my joy, and the people in my life. I could stand on a promise that night and drive home in grace or give in to doubt and drive home in misery. Either way, I was driving to Oklahoma City. Whether I anticipated strength or weakness, I would have it. God’s grace was sufficient for me.

Is there some circumstance in your life where you are anticipating weakness? Are you moving forward, but with dread? If I get under the table today, I won’t get home. What might you miss if you anticipate weakness instead of being confident God will give you the strength to get you home? Get you healthy? Get you free? Get you the blessing? Anticipate strength and go forward in grace. Even when the road is long and dark tonight, I will have the strength to get on it—the end of that road is right where I want to be.

Reflect on these verses to encourage your heart:

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power

may rest on me.” —2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.” —Psalm 46:1–5 (NIV)

Haley Scully, MA, is the Vice President of Strategic and Ministry Projects with Hope for the Heart. In 2011, she began her work in the ministry’s counseling department before moving into the international work. She serves to develop partnerships, coordinate resources and distribution methods, and provide basic counseling and care ministry training for church leaders and parachurch organizations in over 25 countries around the world. Haley concurrently helps provide leadership for professional development initiatives that include training and resourcing Christian caregivers, life coaches, and counselors. She earned her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications from Oklahoma State University and Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Haley is passionate about connecting hurting hearts to hope in Christ and the practical application of God’s Word to their everyday lives. She is a speaker, author, trainer, and serves as a guest host on June Hunt’s live, one-hour, call-in counseling program, Hope In The Night.

Fundraising as Ministry: Cultivating a Cheerful Giver

by Timothy Smith, MA on May 22nd, 2023

Fundraising doesn’t need to feel awkward or “icky.” Theologian Henri Nouwen’s transformational book, The Spirituality of Fundraising, helped many churches and ministries reframe their approach to asking donors for money. “From the perspective of the gospel, fundraising is not a response to a crisis,” he writes. “Fundraising is, first and foremost, a form of ministry. It is a way of announcing our vision and inviting other people into our mission.”

Donors of all sizes deserve to know the difference they are making. Nouwen teaches us that fundraising creates a relationship between those who have resources and those who need them, in order to advance God’s Kingdom. Nouwen provides an important biblical framework for understanding a donor’s relationship to God and money, and perhaps as importantly, the spiritual role of the fundraiser. Donors need relationship and ministry far more than we need their money. If we don’t see ministry to the donor as our higher calling, our donors are destined to be mere objects, and the connection between them and our ministry will be sadly unsatisfying.

“We will find ourselves begging for money and they will find themselves merely handing us a check,” he writes. “No real connection has been created because we have not asked them to come and be with us. We have not given them an opportunity to participate in the spirit of what we are about. We may have completed a successful transaction, but we have not entered into a successful relationship.” Those of us who raise funds for ministries, professionally or as volunteers, provide an invitation to those with resources to fuel the restoration of all things and advance God’s Kingdom here on Earth. That unifying of the asker and the giver is what Nouwen aptly names “conversion”—where unmet need is fulfilled in a unique coming together as part of God’s missional call. “Whether we are asking for money or giving money we are drawn together by God, who is about to do a new thing through our collaboration,” Nouwen writes.

This is a sacred space—where donor and seeker unite. Using Nouwen’s lens of spiritual fundraising, we can discern that what the Bible teaches us about generosity points to the very best practices churches and ministries should have in place to steward cheerful givers.

Authentic Relationships

One defining characteristic of cheerful givers is a desire for community—an authentic relationship with the ministry they are supporting. Donors who have hands-on experiences in ministry build an authentic relationship to the ministry and form a community. How do we create that space?

Offer intentional opportunities for donors to experience the ministries they are supporting.
Communicate and celebrate with donors what they have made possible.
Carve out the time to build communities among those donors. Thank-you events, small-group experiences, vision trips or tailored missional experiences all can be targeted to the needs of specific groups of donors and prospects.

In today’s culture, most generous donors want to give of more than just their financial resources. Many want to get their hands dirty with the causes they are supporting. Donors who are also volunteers are more passionate and better advocates than those who only give financially. Cultivate authentic communities where cheerful givers are assured they are fueling God’s mission in the world. “If we ask for money, it means that we offer a new fellowship, a new brotherhood, a new sisterhood, a new way of belonging,” Nouwen writes.

Building the Kingdom

What sets a cheerful giver apart from the usual donor? One of those characteristics is a passion to participate in building the Kingdom through their resources. Unfortunately, most churches and ministries do a less-than-stellar job in meeting this need for donors. It’s a tough truth that I have discovered through several decades of fundraising work. The biblical call to tithe too often has led ministries to take our givers for granted. We are rightly focused on ministry and congregational care, and we comparatively put very little planning and thought into caring for those actually funding our work.

I often hear major donors talk about the animal shelter or university scholarship they support, and “…oh, and of course, I give to my church”—the afterthought. Our churches and faith-based ministries must do a better job thanking and demonstrating for givers how they are advancing the Kingdom through their faithful support. To cultivate cheerful givers in our churches, we must be committed to demonstrating their impact.

Take the time to regularly brainstorm with your staff about the ministry stories from the past week or month. Which ones would make great features in your communications or social media? Which ones could serve as the centerpiece of a thank-you letter to your loyal givers? Plan at least one “unexpected” thanks to your donors this year. Whether it’s a phone call, an email, or a handwritten card or letter, thank them individually for what they are doing to further God’s mission.

Demonstrating Impact

Early in my career, I was tasked with raising what seemed like an insurmountable amount of money for a ministry without a large donor base. Young and inexperienced, I tackled it head on, filling my calendar with appointments and firing asks at anyone I could corner: “Can you give a thousand dollars? Can you give a thousand dollars?” At the end, I sat exhausted. I had hit the dollar goal, but it was utterly unsatisfying for me and for my donors. I had brought nothing to them, and their connection to the ministry was transactional at best.

Donors may give a gift in response to a request like mine, yet without a passion for that ministry, they will soon find a way to avoid future requests. Follow the trail of donors’ money over time, and you’ll find the real object of their passion. Donors shouldn’t feel like their weekly or monthly gifts are going to your operational “black hole.” Look carefully at each section of your budget and tie those expenses to your mission. How many gifts or donors does it take to keep the lights on? Maintain your website? Support the staff? Repair the roof? Translating giving to direct impact also gives you “handles” for donors who might increase their commitment if they knew what a certain level gift helps accomplish.

As Nouwen wisely counseled, “If we raise funds for the creation of a community of love, we are helping God build the Kingdom. We are doing exactly what we are supposed to do as Christians.” It can’t be transactional: Steward cheerful givers by helping them see the good they are doing day in and day out for your ministry.

Tim Smith, MA, has over 35 years of experience with nonprofit organizations in administration, management, and fund development. He has also served as a Development Officer in nonprofit organizations and Executive Pastor for two megachurches. Tim recently served as Chief Development Officer for the Museum of the Bible and is the Founder and President of NonProfit DNA, a development and consulting agency. He is married to Olivia, and they share a total of six children. Tim is the author of Donors Are People Too: Managing Relationships with Your Ministry’s Major Contributors, a book on the art of personal relationship with donors, and What Have I Gotten Myself Into, released in 2019. See more at: www.blendednotbroken.org

ABCs of Transformation Series: Freedom—Breaking the Strongholds

by Lea Carawan, MA on May 15th, 2023

Have you ever felt enslaved to a behavior or habit from which you desperately wanted to be free? Maybe you know someone who is constantly overcome with temptation and is unable to get free of a specific sin. If transformation is our goal and our desire, it is helpful to understand what holds us back and keeps us from living free from sin. Sometimes it’s as simple as gaining new understanding or having a revelation that changes what we think and believe. However, what if that only gets us started and there seems to be something more that grips us with such force that we cannot seem to break free of its devastating influence?

Paul alludes to these powerful forces in 2 Corinthians. He calls them strongholds: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds” (2 Corinthians 10:3–4 NIV).

We don’t think any of us fully understand how or why some sins are harder to break than others. We get glimpses throughout the Bible, yet what we do know is that we need God’s supernatural power for “breaking free.” Even the disciples, who walked with Jesus and wielded the supernatural power to heal and remove demons, came against situations that seemed to have a greater power than what they had experienced. In Mark 9:14–29, we are told a father brought his son to the disciples and asked them to cast out the tormenting demon that caused his son to be deaf and mute. They couldn’t do it. When Jesus arrived, He publicly reminded the father and the onlookers that faith was needed. Then privately He went even further. When the disciples asked why they couldn’t cast the demon out, Jesus made it clear there was more that was needed to break the stronghold the demon had on the boy—prayer and fasting.

This power to break strongholds is not just for the disciples—we are told we are given the same power when we believe. Jesus told His disciples to expect the power soon, and even to wait to minister until then. When we are providing spiritual growth coaching, we have found it valuable to ask questions of discovery, such as “What do you believe might be causing the overwhelming temptation?” or “Are there other areas of your life that are similarly intense forces that you find impossible to overcome?” Depending on the responses, we may have an opportunity to explore more deeply. The goal is to open someone up to the love and power of God that can set them free just like we are promised.

When our son was in college, he had a particularly difficult breakup. It was the first girl to whom he really opened up his heart. Months after the breakup, he was still gripped with anger, pain, and hurt. We were riding in the car and he was sharing how sometimes he became overwhelmed with such a crushing force, he felt powerless to resist it. Something rose up in my (Lea) heart and mind that this was more than just natural pain and hurt, but rather was being energized by spiritual forces in such a way, my son needed extra warfare to break through to freedom. I reminded him about strongholds and spiritual warfare and asked him if we could pray specifically for breaking these controlling strongholds. We prayed a simple prayer starting with Scriptures, called on the power of the Holy Spirit, and proclaimed our trust in God to set our son free. What happened next was something neither of us have ever forgotten. He immediately felt a lightening in his heart and mind. It was like a pressure had lifted and it changed everything.

Depending on our experience, teaching or background, we will have varying degrees of understanding about spiritual warfare. No matter your background or belief, it is clear that the Lord and the Holy Spirit are necessary for the work of breaking free. Lean into the work of the Lord as you seek transformation for yourself and for others.

Lea Carawan, MA, is the founder of Transformed Living, a ministry that provides Bible-based resources and services designed to make disciples who love God, walk in freedom, and build life-giving relationships at home, work, and play. She and her husband, Rolfe, built a successful speaking, coaching, and consulting firm serving organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits. For nearly 20 years, they helped leaders implement winning strategies that brought out the best in people. Lea was the cofounder and served as the Executive Director for the Congressional Prayer Caucus Foundation. For over a decade, she led the effort to equip and mobilize the largest network of federal and state elected leaders—nearly 100 sitting members of Congress and 900 state legislators—who are committed to standing for faith and implementing proactive strategies to advance religious freedom, prayer, and America’s Judeo-Christian heritage. She is a speaker, consultant, ordained minister, and multi-certified life, relationship, and spiritual formation coach and trainer. With a career spanning three decades, Lea has transitioned seamlessly between entrepreneurship, fashion, consulting, ministry, and motherhood. Lea has been a frequent speaker at women’s meetings, conferences, and marriage retreats around the world, including countries such as Brazil, Ukraine, and the United Arab Emirates. Lea is currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI) and a Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer. See more at: www.transformedliving.org

Truth Out of Context: God’s Purpose for Our Future

by Emily Fraige, MA on May 8th, 2023

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
(Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

Plans to Give You Hope and a Future

Based on worldwide Internet searches, the second most searched Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 (second to John 3:16 and tied with Philippians 4:13). Believers all around the globe find comfort in this Scripture about God’s plans for hope and a future, yet perhaps few pause to consider the context and the circumstances faced by the original recipients of the message. If we take the time to study the historical background of this passage, we can deepen our understanding of God’s Word, and therefore integrate it into our ministry more effectively. Let’s take a look at some common misunderstandings surrounding this verse, the history behind it, and applicable truths it reveals.

Common Misconceptions

Jeremiah 29:11 appears prominently in gifts designed for soon-to-be high school and college graduates. It seems to fit the occasion of a graduation ceremony where people are looking forward to a promising future. Words like “prosper” and “hope” convey a strong sense of optimism. This positive outlook, however, takes on a deeper meaning in light of the darker context and bleak setting of the passage.

Hearing this Scripture on its own without the context detaches the promise of God from the personal responsibility of man. This could imply to the hearers that God’s wonderful plan will “magically” work out, regardless of whether we as believers choose to follow Him. It is true that God has a plan for those who love Him and are called by Him (Romans 8:28, another commonly misapplied verse), but enjoying God’s plan requires something of us.

Other misconceptions about this verse may arise from the ambiguity of the pronoun “you” because we tend to read it as singular when the original meaning is plural. This could cause us to miss how God has a plan for His people corporately and not only individually. While this verse can be read as God speaking directly to an individual, it is easy for us to become too self-focused. It would be beneficial to take our focus off ourselves and remember we are part of the larger family of God.

Context and Meaning

During Jeremiah’s lifetime, the people of Judah abandoned God and turned to ineffectual idols. Jeremiah prophesied fervently of God’s impending judgment for their sins and called the people to repentance. Many did not heed his warnings. In 586 B.C., God used the wicked kingdom of Babylon as an instrument of His justice to take the kingdom of Judah into captivity for 70 years.

Before this occurred, some of God’s people had already been taken captive to Babylon in earlier deportations. False prophets were telling these exiles they would soon be freed, giving them unfounded hope. Jeremiah squashes these lies as he addresses the exiles directly in the first part of chapter 29, instructing them to pray for the prosperity of Babylon because it would also mean prosperity for them. Jeremiah confirms their captivity would last for a full 70 years. Then God would rescue His people, restore them to their land, and redeem the world through His Son, who would be their descendant. The Lord’s plans of “hope and a future” are connected to His people as a whole—first, for the Jews, and eventually for the Gentiles, the church who would be adopted into the family of God.

Amidst the dark pronouncements of imminent destruction, there are moments of light where Jeremiah reminds the people of God’s promised restoration and love. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of those moments where God lets His people know He does not want to harm them and has not rejected them, even though they were about to endure His judgment and one of the lowest points in their history. Their captivity, however, was meant for their benefit by leading them to repentance and a restored relationship with God.

In the subsequent two verses, God articulates His people’s responsibility—to pray and seek Him with their whole heart: “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:12–13 NIV). In response, God promises to listen and be available to them.

Appropriate Application

Perhaps someone you know or the person you are coaching sounds positive when talking about God’s plan for his or her life but shows no interest in pursuing God wholeheartedly. You can take the opportunity to use this verse as a reminder that, while our salvation is sure, participation in all of God’s favorable plans for our lives is not a given. If we seek a closer relationship with Him, instead of seeking only what He can do for us, we can experience more of God’s grace and love. If we seek to do His will, we can contribute to what God is doing in the world and see His hope in action.

This verse points us to another important truth about the need for community. God has plans for His people as a group—one body, His church. When we as believers gather together, share our spiritual gifts, and edify and lift each other up, we can experience the hope and the future God has planned. We can even avoid the misery of being too absorbed in our own problems by reaching out to help others who are suffering. Jeremiah 29:11 should direct our attention away from ourselves and onto our fellow believers.

Finally, this verse is a comfort to those who are in the deepest, darkest valleys of their life. When they are tempted to believe God no longer loves them, this passage reminds them that God never abandons His people and never breaks His promises. If you are helping or coaching people who feel distant from God, they may need this encouraging reminder of how gracious, loving, and faithful He is.

Emily Fraige, MA, is a writer and editor with ICCI and Hope for the Heart. She helps to develop resources for the ICCI courses, contributes to quarterly publications, and edits a variety of materials for the ministry. Prior to working with ICCI, she served with the student ministry at Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, TX, where she helped to create devotionals and small-group curriculum for students. She earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in English from Biola University and Master of Arts in Biblical Exegesis and Linguistics from Dallas Theological Seminary. Emily is passionate about helping people interpret God’s Word accurately and apply it to their lives.

The Danger of Unhealed Hurts

by Gary Rosberg, EdD and Barb Rosberg, BFA on May 1st, 2023

In this culture with the stressors of Covid and other illnesses, the economy, and global uncertainty, many couples internalize their stressors and “stuff their emotions.” This is true in nearly every marriage and family, regardless of their socioeconomic status, faith or where they live.

We have spent over 15 years coaching military marriages and have learned they face stressors civilian families often do not. Military families move an average of every two to three years, and face unpredictable schedules of deployments and separations. Research has shown that active-duty military families can have a “spillover” effect of anxiety that flows from the marital system into subsystems and even extended family systems. Whether you are in a military family or a civilian family, learning how to resolve conflict is foundational for healthy living. We read in Proverbs, “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly (Proverbs 14:29 NIV).” And often that displayed folly comes from unresolved conflict.

Identifying Types of Anger in Marriage

Unhealed hurt from a conflict in your relationship can trigger anger. Anger is a secondary emotion, typically following hurt, disappointment or fear. It’s what grows out of the offense and the hurt when they are not dealt with quickly or in a balanced way. Unleashed anger only makes things worse in a conflict and becomes another hindrance to resolving it peacefully.

When we talk about anger in a marriage relationship, we share what we call the “baked potato syndrome.” Picture a big, brown russet potato in the oven. You turn on the heat and the potato begins to warm. Given sufficient time, it bakes to a fluffy white inside, ready for butter, sour cream, chives, and bacon bits. However, if you forget about the potato and let it bake too long, it could explode and make a mess in your oven. This illustrates what can happen when offenses, hurts, and anger are allowed to heat up through lack of loving action. The result can be an explosive disaster.

You will be better equipped to deal with anger in your marriage if you understand the different types of anger and identify why you respond the way you do. There are three varieties of the “baked potato” of anger: situational anger, displaced anger, and chronic anger. Each one has a different cause.

Situational anger – Some anger responses are situational, triggered by specific events. You can almost predict it. When a certain something happens, one of you reacts with anger. Behind every eruption of situational anger are offenses and hurts that have not been resolved. The sooner you close the loop on offenses and hurts, the less damage you will suffer—or inflict—from anger.

Displaced Anger – Another variety of anger is one counselors refer to as displaced anger. Rather than confronting and dealing with the direct cause of the anger in a situation, the offended spouse expresses their feelings indirectly. Displaced anger may not be as damaging as other forms, yet it still leaves a painful open loop in the relationship.

Chronic Anger – A third type of anger resulting from unhealed hurts is chronic anger. When an open loop is not closed in a timely manner, the hurt and anger are often shoved to the background and ignored. Because it is unresolved, this anger can flare up again and again. Buried wounds and anger generate an assortment of psychological and physical stressors that can ruin a person’s perspective on life and eat away at the soul. People with chronic anger are like loose cannons, ready to blast away whenever someone unwittingly lights the fuse.

Closing the Loops of Unresolved Conflicts

Unless you and your spouse learn how to work through your hurt and anger, you will likely find yourself on an emotional roller coaster that never slows down. Stuffing anger into some dark corner of your heart may temporarily help you skirt past a conflict, although the anger doesn’t go away. Venting anger through a verbal tirade, an argument, screaming, crying or slamming doors may help you let off a little steam, yet it won’t solve the root problem and you will explode again and again. The longer you allow the cycles of stuffing and exploding to continue, the more you will hurt yourself and your spouse.

Much of the hurt and anger you experience in your marriage relationship are the result of unresolved conflicts between you and your spouse. They are all part of open loops, and the longer the loops remain open, the greater will be the turmoil in your marriage. Closing every loop as soon as possible is vital to divorce-proofing your marriage. And dealing with those hurts and resolving them will help you and your spouse grow closer in your relationship.

*Our book, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage, can help you understand different conflict styles and teach you how to move toward forgiveness and healing!

Gary Rosberg, EdD, and Barb Rosberg, BFA, are sought-after Executive Life and Marriage and Family Coaches, John C. Maxwell certified international speakers and trainers, award-winning authors, broadcasters, and well-known international marriage conference presenters. Together, the Rosbergs are co-founders of The Rosberg Group, where they provide marriage coaching, as well as one-on-one executive life coaching. Authors of over a dozen books, including 5 Love Needs of Men & Women and the Gold Medallion winning 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love, Barb brings decades of wisdom from coaching and teaching alongside Gary’s 25,000+ hours of counseling to coaching executive couples. The Rosbergs use their gifts of insight, humor, and wisdom in coaching couples “up” to become the best they can be. Their nonprofit ministry, America’s Family Coaches, has impacted marriages across the United States and globally for almost 35 years. They serve first responder and military marriages in their home state, and in particular, wounded warrior couples. Married since 1975, Gary and Barb have two married daughters and 12 grandchildren, and reside outside of Des Moines, Iowa. See more at: www.TheRosbergGroup.com

Plan Making

by Haley Scully, MA on April 24th, 2023

Adapted from GracefullyFrank.Blogspot.com

Back Talk and Better Plans

Maybe I was somewhere between five and six years old when I made a decision of something I was going to do, so I walked through our little living room with orangey shag carpet, stepped down one little step, passed my dad where he was watching the news (boring), and then stepped up another little step in the dining room and kitchen area where my mom was at the stove making dinner. I’m fairly certain some canned corn must have been in one pot, along with ground hamburger in a skillet.

“Mom, I’m going over to Wendy’s house.” Wendy was a few years older than me, and the coolest. We lived on opposite sides of a cul-de-sac where every house was filled with either an elderly couple or a young family. Wendy had a big black dog named Bosco that scared the “ever living” out of me, but Wendy, who let me play at her house, was worth facing the fear. And I decided right then was the time to get on my Big Wheel and go see what was up.

“Not now. We are getting ready to have dinner,” Mom said. Whaaatt? I’m not sure if I sassed her right to her face or not, but apparently, it was brewing inside of me. I turned from her, walked back through the dining/kitchen area, stomped down the little step into the living room and over to Dad. “Dad, can I go over to Wendy’s house?” He said, “I just heard your Momma tell you, ‘No’ . . . ‘So, no, not right now, dinner is almost ready.’” So, I turned from him and started to stomp back across the shag toward the little step up out of the living room, when the evil spirit of “back talk” overcame me, and I made a poor choice. I turned back to him and said, “Fine, now I hate you and Momma both.” My dad can get up out of a recliner so fast! If recliner dismount were an Olympic sport . . .

I earned a little time in my room with a bit of a bruised ego, self-indignation, and a red backside to think about the turn of events that had just played out. And now, we have had years of using that line in much more lighthearted moments with each other. I was making plans without their input. They already had plans for me—plans for dinner with corn and a hamburger. Plans to sit with me at the table and talk about the day. Plans to put a little pat of butter on my bread and pour me a glass of sweet tea. Good plans for me. Maybe they would have let me go to Wendy’s house all along when the time was right, but I jumped ahead and wrecked it.

His Plans Are Best

I had a conversation this week with a friend where we talked about making plans. We try to make so many plans based on our own understanding—based on how cool Wendy from the block is or based on where we want to be, in case we don’t get to do what we want to do. We need money. We want purpose, and we try to figure out all the ways to make that happen. And we make our plans. We walk by Jesus at that stove making us dinner and announce our plans, and then when He tries to shepherd us from the recliner as He sees us walking toward trouble, we stiff-arm and back talk because “we wanna do what we wanna do.” Or we want to do what we think we need to do because we aren’t sure He has the best intentions for us. “I need to go to Wendy’s house. That’s where the cool is. Don’t tell me no.”

What plans are you making? Who are you talking to about them? God’s Word tells us He has plans already in the works, and they are good. Sometimes it feels like we should be taking a little more charge over our plans. Go ahead and take a few big-kid steps, but you might miss dinner if you do.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” — Proverbs 3:5 (NIV)

He can only make your paths straight if He actually has a destination planned for you. And you will only get there if you actually trust Him and allow Him to lead. I wish I had learned that lesson right there in our shaggy carpeted living room, but it has taken a little history between us for me to learn that what He has is best and that He will get me where He has planned for me. If you can identify at all, then reading Proverbs 3 may be encouraging to you today.

Think about things, then let the Lord establish your steps.

Who Am I?

by Gary Morais, MA and Susan Sorian-Morais on April 17th, 2023

Who am I? Around 95% of people in the USA can’t answer this question!

“…Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”—Romans 12:2

The Challenge

Every day we are being told who and what we are supposed to be. If it’s not a political or an advocacy group, then it is an ad on our phone or TV. Either we are supposed to be “less wrinkled” or “more tolerant” or “more vigilant” or “more successful” or “more highly educated” or “a harder worker” or “slimmer” or “prettier” or “healthier” or “in better shape” . . . and the list goes on. Although some causes and advice can be beneficial, whereas others may not, none of them define who you truly are. They tend to encourage us to compare ourselves to others, and somehow, we alwaysseem to fall short. This constant input can be counterproductive, creating feelings of a lack of confidence, inadequacy, and that feeling of “being stuck.”

Although some causes and advice can be beneficial, whereas others may not, none of them define who you truly are. Things may seem hopeless in our lives. We are faced with multiple challenges, and unless we face the personal challenges such as fear, pain, hurt, failure, blame, and criticism, we will stay stuck in our feelings of hopelessness because we are not dealing with the root cause of how we deal with the number one challenge of our life—the foundation: Who am I?

We all need to:

Know who we are (in Christ)
Get past the fears that hold us down

Our society encourages people to take their identity from what they do, their job title, their social status, how they look, what they drive or wear, who their associates are, what clubs they belong to or sports teams they support, etc. The problem is, if you cannot separate who you are from your ideas, then you will be basing your self-worth upon whether your ideas are accepted by others. This makes a person extremely vulnerable in their interactions with others, and in their own self-assurance.

For example, you may be thinking, If you accept my idea, then you accept me. So, the resulting thought and conclusion is, If you reject my idea, you are rejecting me! This kind of thinking results in communication problems because there is no connection; people feel hurt, feel rejected, get angry, withdraw, and begin to discount their own ideas, experiencing anxiety and depression, and they become fearful to share their thoughts. They may continually tend to give in to others to “keep the peace,” but if it continues, they may become resentful, blaming others, and the other person may not even be aware. This can result in feelings of anger and vengefulness; eventually, they may even begin to attack others. Feelings of covetousness, jealousy, and envy may arise, because they are never satisfied with who they think they are and see others as a threat to them or their position.

All Because a Person Does Not Know Who They Are

None of this has anything to do with who they are, but has to do with reacting to an assumption based upon a false idea—just because someone does not agree with them. Based on empirical research and clinical practice, it is estimated that 95% of people in the U.S. do not know who they are. The result? We can find ourselves vulnerable to the influence of what is around us, instead of being secure in who we really are. This affects communication and relationships with family, coworkers, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, people in authority or public figures, etc. When we become secure in who we are, we find ourselves to be less vulnerable to those around us.

So, the question becomes: How do we become secure in who we are? When you realize you are greatly loved and created by God for a purpose, that realization becomes the beginning of your path toward TRUE self-discovery. I would challenge you, this week, to take notes on every TV or Internet ad you see, or even hear on the radio. Every ad will address what the public “needs.” This is simply Marketing 101! Look for the indirect, subliminal or even direct attacks on your self-worth. In what areas are they telling you that you are insufficient or lacking? Is it your appearance, education, health, or social status? This doesn’t mean it is all bad or evil, but you can heighten your awareness of what your mind has been taking in without even noticing, contributing to discontentment because of the false ideas of who the world says you really are. You may be surprised at how much unintentional input you have been subjected to—and this doesn’t even begin to address the messages conveyed by our entertainment.

The Results of Not Knowing Who You Are:

You are emotionally vulnerable.
You are constantly trying to please others or argue your point.
You make emotional concessions—and do not gain internal confidence and self-assurance.
Life is a never-ending circle of fear and stress.
Most importantly, you don’t know who you are in Christ.

The Results When You Know Who You Are:

You don’t need to argue or feel hurt when others disagree with you.
You feel emotionally stronger and less vulnerable around others.
You gain inner confidence and self-assurance.
This lowers your inner anxiety and stress.
You know who you are in Christ.

*For more information on who you are, you can get the book Who Am I? at www.journey2love.org. Contact [email protected] or [email protected] for more information.

Gary Morais, MA, has dedicated his life to helping people for over 37 years with a professional background as an author, Certified Master Coach, business and ministry consultant, and Licensed Marriage and Family therapist. He holds a patent based on brain-thinking research and is an expert in Human Development working with MDs to help their patients reduce medications and lower stress and depression. Gary is also the Executive Director of Journey2Love, a ministry that equips others to build Christlike character and provides easy-to-use, practical, biblically-based programs, trainings materials, and tools specific to each individual’s life. This includes retreats, discipleship programs, and Certification Training for life coaches. He developed the Px-12 Profile which measures the brain’s thinking algorithms that are linked to stress, fears, well-being, and human performance. Gary is a frequent speaker and has appeared on multiple TV and radio programs helping people to better understand themselves and others. See more at: www.journey2love.org

Susan Sorian-Morais has been actively involved in church ministry for over 40 years as a Bible study teacher, children’s ministry and worship leader, pastor’s assistant, Biblical lay counselor and certified grief group facilitator. Susan is a Certified Equipping Profile Coach, a Certified Associate Christian Life Coach with ICCI (International Christian Coaching Institute), a freelance writer, editor, bookkeeper, and author. She has been a pastor’s widow, raised eight children, and has assisted in and established several different ministry-related 501(c)3 nonprofit organizations. Her greatest delight is found in discipling others and helping them to grow by practically applying God’s Word to their lives. Susan is serving alongside her husband, Gary Morais, partnering in the 501(c)3 nonprofit ministry of www.journey2love.org.

ABCs of Transformation Series: Freedom—Starts with the A-ha

by Rolfe Carawan, M.Ed. and Lea Carawan, MA on April 10th, 2023

How did a simple conversation while on vacation with a friend turn into a transformational experience? Neither of us planned it or even had it on our minds, yet a few sentences describing a deep conviction became an “A-ha” moment. We were sitting in the hotel coffee shop in a small town in Washington state. It was the only place open because of the major snowstorm that had stranded us with our friends, Mark and Kathy, on our way to vacation.

Mark was an Associate Pastor at our church in Seattle. It was a large church, and Mark was responsible for multiple ministries and teaching several classes. I (Lea) was struck by how serene he appeared no matter how busy things got. Following my curiosity, I asked him, “Mark, how do you handle the stress and stay so peaceful when there is such demand for your time?” Mark’s response caught me completely off guard, “I don’t feel any stress. I don’t have to do anything that I am doing.” I asked, “What? What do you mean you don’t have to do anything?” He replied, “If I don’t do another thing but hang out on the couch, it doesn’t change how much God loves me. I don’t HAVE to do anything.”

Now to some, that doesn’t sound like the makings of an epiphany. However, his response struck like a bulldozer as questions flooded my mind. Why do I feel so stressed and driven? What is causing me to feel this pressure to perform? The answer was sobering. I believed the lie that to be found worthy of being loved, I had to prove myself through success and being accomplished. Without realizing it, I was trying to impress God and ensure I was love-worthy. What would it take for me to believe the truth that I was already utterly and fully loved by God? This was a moment where God truly opened my eyes to something I had heard a hundred times before, but what was I going to do about it now?

The A-ha is when you see something you haven’t seen before. It is often the beginning of transformation. It may be the revelation or epiphany that allows you to finally see a problem clearly and/or the solution to a problem. When God is ready to change us, He often pulls back the veil so that we might see Truth. While education will inform you, revelation from the Word of God will do much more—IT WILL TRANSFORM YOU!

It is such a joy to help facilitate an A-ha moment for someone. We believe it is up to the Holy Spirit to do the work, although we can help by creating a safe, loving environment for a conversation, asking a good question, really listening, and praying for revelation. As a coach, mentor or ministry leader, we try to listen for what God is doing in someone’s life, and it sometimes leads us to ask questions that may cause them to reflect on their core beliefs in a fresh way. We might ask, “What or who has had the biggest impact on how you see ______________?” “Was or is that a reliable source?”

Romans tells us that the transformation process begins with the renewing of your mind: “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:1–2 NIV). In other words, don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will is.

The ABCs of Transformation (The A-ha, Breaking Free, and Commitment to Change) is one of the key elements of the Transformed Living Coaching Model. As we continue our journey of personal transformation and help others along the way, we will discuss how God breaks us free from sinful patterns by exposing lies and replacing them with His revealed Truth. As we learn to cooperate with Him more fully and grow in obedience to His Word, God’s grace frees us through the power of His Holy Spirit. Transformation is a process. For some, the process is lightning quick, while for others, it is painfully slow and seemingly never ending. So, during the process, we encourage all to, “seek radical obedience, give abundant grace!”

Rolfe Carawan, MEd, is the President of LifeMatters Ministries, which focuses on discipleship, biblical principles, and tackling relevant issues of our times, and is also the Co-Founder of Carawan Global Group. Inspired by his passion to relieve suffering and release potential, Rolfe brings his real-world experience and strategies to individuals in every walk of life. Known for his contagious enthusiasm, his coaching draws out the best in people, igniting a renewal of energy, engagement, and productivity, as well as successfully transitioning people through change, transforming human behavior, strengthening relationships, and overcoming generational gaps. His winning strategies have been developed over 30 years of successfully coaching, training, and motivating people. Speaking to organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits, Rolfe has spoken to nearly a million people throughout America, as well as audiences on four continents. He is an author (Profiles in Character and Character Revolution), successful teacher, coach, trained counselor, and uses experiential learning methods to create healthier relationships at home and work, effectively implement change, and strengthen communication. Rolfe has worked and volunteered his services in a number of countries including Brazil, Ghana, Israel, Ukraine, Russia, Canada, and Mexico. He currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaches Institute (ICCI) and is a Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer™. See more at www.transformedliving.org

An Ordinary Tuesday

by Steve Siler on April 3rd, 2023

For the last twenty-five years, I have been part of a regular Tuesday morning men’s prayer group. The number has fluctuated—never more than eight, never less than three—but what has not fluctuated is the day and time. It’s been a lifeline for me – a constant in a world of change.

This has been a safe place, a place where one can speak an unflattering truth without fear of judgment because the next week, the other guy is going to have his own dirty laundry to air. We have cheered each other on through raising children and achieving career goals. Our successes have been all the sweeter because we’ve been able to share them together.

In comparing notes as husbands, and trust me when I say that all of our wives have benefitted from it, we have supported each other through major life transitions like children’s weddings and the passing of parents. And we’ve stood by each, sometimes praying about a situation for years, often being able to celebrate when circumstances that seemed hopeless resolve in a way more beautiful than anything we could imagine.

Sometimes one of us will have big news, but when we don’t, my friend Tony will often say, “Thank God for an ordinary Tuesday.” I’ve come to adore that sentiment. You see, I grew up in Hollywood where everyone is trying to be a movie star. Then I moved to Nashville where everyone wants to be a country music star. The idea was, “Boy, won’t it be great when I . . . win an Oscar, have a hit single, etc.” Whatever the goal, it was always out there somewhere in the future.

However, the truth, of course, is that we all do this. Life will be better when we get that job, buy that car, live in a bigger house . . . fill in the blank., The problem with this kind of living is it guarantees that fulfillment and happiness will always be out of reach. What we have now is never good enough.

My friend Rick says, “God hasn’t given us tomorrow. He has only given us today.” He is right. The trouble is, when we live for things that can only happen tomorrow, it’s easy to overlook the gifts of today—amazing things right in front of us. A sunset. A flower. A loved one’s kiss. A great song.

My friend Lisa told me that every morning when she opens her eyes, she says, “A bonus!” She said it was her way of acknowledging she wasn’t entitled to another day. It helped her greet the new day as a gift for which to be grateful. So, I thought I would try it. Guess what? It works! I find it especially helpful when the day holds a task I’m not looking forward to. This simple statement of gratitude immediately changes my perspective. Maybe I’m not looking forward to doing my income tax, but there will be other things in the day I will enjoy—ordinary things like talking with my wife, taking a walk, playing the piano. And so on. When you look at your day that way, you realize none of our days are ordinary. Every day is a gift from our loving God for which we should be thankful.

Several years ago, John Mandeville and I had the opportunity to write some children’s Bible songs. Naturally we had to boil some of the themes down to a child’s level, but today I was thinking of one of those songs. It’s called “Thank you Father.” I happen to think it’s a good message for us adults too, just the way it is (swap out the word “work” for “school” if necessary). Here are the lyrics:

Thank You Father for this day
Thank You Lord that I can praise You
Thank You Father, thank You Father for this day
Thank You Father for this life
Thank You Lord that I can love You
Thank You Father, thank You Father for this life

Thank You Father for Your church
Thank You Lord that I can worship
Thank You Father, thank You Father for Your church
Thank You Father for Your Word
Thank You Lord that I can hear You
Thank You Father, thank You Father for Your Word

Thank You Father for Your son
who means so much to me
Thank You Father for the cross
where I was set free

Thank You Father for my home
Thank You Lord for all my family
Thank You Father, thank You Father for my home
Thank You Father for my school
Thank You Lord for my friendships
Thank You Father, thank You Father for my school
Thank You Father for this day
Thank You Lord that I can praise You
Thank You Father, thank You Father for this day
Thank You Father for this life
Thank You Lord that I can love You
Thank You Father, thank You Father for this life

Here’s to another ordinary day full of the miracle of God’s love!

Steve Siler is Founder and Director of Music for the Soul, a multi-award-winning ministry using songs and stories to bring the healing and hope of Christ to people in deep pain. Music for the Soul is a community of professional musicians, therapist, pastors, and ministry leaders committed to offering life-giving resources to those whose hearts are hungry for understanding, self-worth, wholeness, and peace. An accomplished songwriter and music producer, Steve has had over 550 of his songs recorded. He won the Dove Award for Inspirational Song of the Year with I Will Follow Christ. His nine #1 and 45 top-ten songs include Circle of Friends and Not Too Far from Here. Steve has spoken at the National Right to Life Convention, the American Association of Christian Counselors, and the National Center on Sexual Exploitation Summit among others. He has authored two books: The Praise & Worship Devotional and Music for the Soul, Healing for the Heart: Lessons from a Life in Song. See more at www.musicforthesoul.org/

Pretty Little Words

by Haley Scully, MA on March 27th, 2023

Adapted from GracefullyFrank.Blogspot.com

Pretty little words are everywhere. Words crafted and overlaid on pretty little pictures. Some make us laugh, some stir up our loyalty, some make us dream a bigger dream than we dreamt a minute ago, and some pull us deep into bitter or sweet old memories. Words have a lot of power.

Words can be true and not true. Sometimes the exact same words are true in one instance, yet not true in another. It’s not the words themselves that make them true or not true; it’s the circumstances and the motives of the one who speaks, whispers, types, twists, sings, and uses them.

For instance, let’s look at these words: “What Is Meant for You Won’t Pass By You”

Those are pretty. There is something in the reassurance that can settle a racing heart, encourage a rejected soul, lift crying eyes, and set a face like flint. A pretty little mantra can lift us up from someplace low. I am disappointed, but “What is meant for me will not pass me by. What is meant for me will not pass me by.”

As we scroll through social media and come across little bits of inspiration, we should stop for a second and ask, “What does that even mean?” Pretty little words can be encouraging when they are true, and yet they can also be deceptive when they are not true. That deception can keep us headed in a wrong direction. When we apply pretty little words that are not true, it can be like putting our hands over our ears and singing “la la la la la” to drown out true words that are spoken to us—true words that could lift us from a pit instead of making us comfortable in it. When words are true, they set us free. When words are not true, they keep us chained.

What would it take for these particular words to be true or not true? “What is meant for you will not pass you by.”

First, who is it that has what is meant for you? Where is what is meant for you currently? Who put what is meant for you in motion so that it is heading toward you? Is it God? Is it your own personal output? Is it chance? Does the word meant cancel out the word chance?

If you do believe in God, and you believe God, then you probably believe somewhere in your gut that God has a plan. Do your life and actions demonstrate that belief or is that belief somewhere over on the sidelines as you go about running plays? His Word says He created each of us for a purpose. That blows my mind because there are a whole lot of “us.” However, we don’t have to be able to grasp it in order to trust it. In faith, we step out and experience it, and then our trust and faith are confirmed.

Here is the thing though about the pretty little words above: What is meant for you can and will pass you by. If we believe God has the hand in what is meant for us, then unless we position ourselves in His hand, our meant for us will pass right by.

God’s meant isn’t about a specific person, place or thing. His meant has so much more to do with our hearts in any circumstance (read Paul’s words in Philippians 4) than it does with our specific circumstances. Nevertheless, as we begin to live out our meant, specific people and places and things do come with it.

Our eternal salvation is not contingent on continually being placed well. The moment we are placed in Christ, our salvation is secure. God’s grace is amazing. The cross of Christ was sufficient for eternity. It was and is meant for us in this life. It is our unique path and purpose determined by our Creator that can be missed. He says He will guide us if we walk in faith and let His Word light the way—His true Word. It is a tragedy if we let ourselves be satisfied with being sedated by pretty little words as we walk along any old path.

We should demand our path; cutting through distraction, temptation, and rejection, trekking over mountains and through valleys with faces set like flint to get on our path. Wherever you sit or walk today, you can begin to go after it. There is no age limit. There is no “righteousness requirement” or “level” of holiness you have to reach before you begin. It’s a choice and determination. It doesn’t mean all your circumstances will change. It means your whole life will change even in your existing circumstances. That is what God does when we say the word yes.

Then, those pretty little words are true.
Then, we can know that we are directly in the path of our meant, in plenty or in want.
Then, even when confusing, we can rest in the sovereignty of the One who created us for a purpose.
Then, there is peace.

This Man Missed His Meant

The rich young ruler who asked Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life (Luke 18:18-30) believed Jesus was good. He believed Jesus was the right one to ask, and that He had the answer. If this ruler was scrolling through reading inspirational quotes from Jesus, he likely would have shared them on his own wall, tweeted them to his followers, posted the picture on his own site, and would have been inspired, too. Yet, apparently, the ruler was satisfied with just the pretty little words. He was not actually ready to follow them into the path of what was meant for him. Jesus told him to get rid of what was in between them (for him, it was wealth), and to, “Come, follow me.”

Not everyone in Scripture got the specific game plan of “Come, follow me” during Christ’s life on the earth. Some people He healed and then told to go and tell everyone. Others He healed and then told to go and not tell anyone. Some He taught then walked to the next village to teach others. And to some, He said, “Come, follow me.” Here was this ruler’s meant for him handed to him through the words of Christ Himself. The ruler hung his head in sadness. He chose otherwise because the cost seemed too great. He went home to the life of his choosing, that probably still blessed him with fruits of this earth, but he missed what was meant. One life was maybe more comfortable than the other, but assuredly less fulfilling than if he was fulfilling his meant for him. He had the freedom to choose. So do we.

These pretty little words were not true for the rich young ruler. If he went back to the house after his encounter with Jesus and wrote them on his bathroom mirror to encourage his heart, then these pretty little words would have been his deception that kept him on the wrong path. There are a lot of examples of people missing their meant for them in the Bible, including King Saul and Samson. And there are a lot of examples of people stepping into their meant for them by faith and obedience, such as Ruth and Paul.

Will these pretty little words be true or not true for you? Every single morning, we have the opportunity to choose for them to be true as we lay down reins we think we hold and take faith steps toward the One who holds what is meant for us.

Happy Marriage? Better Life!

by Gary Rosberg, EdD and Barb Rosberg, BFA on March 20th, 2023

Did you know a happy marriage affects more than just your family? It’s true!

A review of the research conducted by the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center found that happily married soldiers have a “leg-up.” Results showed that soldiers in happy marriages had better ratings from their supervisors and were promoted faster than single soldiers. The review also revealed married soldiers had fewer job-related problems and fewer issues with drugs and alcohol.¹

So, how can you cultivate some healthy habits to keep your marriage happy and loving through the years? Here’s our suggested “Love List.”

Once a Day

Touch and cultivate the valuable practice of tender touch on a daily basis.
Hug for at least five seconds.
Remember the two most important minutes of your marriage are right when you meet at the end of the day.
Laugh because the more you laugh together, the more you love your spouse. Humor helps with coping.

Once a Week

Do something active that lifts your spirits. This is an insurance policy against boredom.
Broaden your sphere of interest. Make a list of activities, circle those you might find pleasurable, and then make time to do them.
Give your mate space to enjoy certain activities that are his/hers alone.
Boost your mate’s self-esteem. When he/she helps you reach your potential and boosts your self-confidence, your options seem limitless. Look for diamonds—dig through the rough to look for the good in each other.
Compliment your spouse.

Once a Month

Rid yourselves of harmful residue. Explore unfinished business (unpaid bills, how long in-laws stay for Christmas, disciplining the kids, etc.). Talk about it and do your best to make healthy decisions.
Talk about your money. Admit to any deception and set up safeguards that will keep you honest.
Talk about your emotional needs and issue that bring anger. Forgive when you feel hurt.
Protect each other from over-commitment. Decide together what you and your family can handle.
Update how well you know your spouse. Check in with him/her—What would he or she like you to know?
Fire up passion in the bedroom. Schedule a sex date at least once a month. Guard your time fiercely.

Once a Year

Review your top 10 highlights of the year. Decide together what constitutes a highlight. Make the review a memorable tradition.
Chart your course for the coming year. Be proactive about where you would like to be as a couple 12 months from now. Ask God for guidance. Take time to consider what really matters most to both of you in your relationship.
Write a mission statement and revisit it yearly. Begin with, “Our purpose is . . .” Use this statement to keep your marriage on track and consider what you would like to change.
Think of six things you wish were different and set ways to improve them in the next year. Set specific goals. Understand the power of making resolutions together. Awaken your can-do attitude and trust God in your coming year together as a couple.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It’s available in our online bookstore!

¹Military Service and Marriage: A Review of Research,” Reviewed by Emily L. Hull, National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, https://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/review_mmilitarylife.pdf.

ABCs of Transformation Series: Freedom—As Simple as ABC

by Rolfe Carawan, MEd and Lea Carawan, MA on March 13th, 2023

Adapted from the Transformed Living Blog

How often have you heard someone say, “I have asked Jesus so many times to change me! And yet, no matter how hard I try, I am still stuck. It’s exhausting!”? How often have you experienced that feeling yourself? We hear of God’s miraculous power; we hear testimonies of how God instantly delivered someone from X, Y, and Z; and yet, that isn’t everyone’s experience.

How many of us have jumped through all the hoops we were told to jump through, but are still bound and enslaved to unwanted thoughts and behaviors? With every successive attempt and failure, hope is diminished. Thankfully, God is generous and loving, providing continued opportunities and pathways forward in our life journey. Let’s unpack three elements that contribute to real and lasting change—the ABCs of Transformation.

Consider Saul before he became Paul. Before his fateful trip to Damascus and conversation with Jesus, he behaved according to his deeply held belief that Jesus and all His followers were a threat to the true God; however, when God revealed the truth to him on the way to Damascus, everything changed! And we see his radical change. The power of some revelations can move us in a new direction. It can change everything. The “A-ha” is the first element in the ABCs, and it is often the first step, although not always enough for real transformation.

At times, there is something else keeping us from being able to align our behaviors with our new beliefs. Spiritual strongholds may have formed, and it is here that we need “Breaking free” by the power of the Spirit, the B in the ABCs. Scripture tells us that, “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:4–5 NIV).

A third powerful component of the ABCs is the “Commitment to change.” In James, we are instructed to be “doers of the word, and not hearers only” (James 1:22 ESV). James explains why we need to choose to do the right thing because “whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin” (James 4:17 ESV). We have a role to play in our own transformation. It is by engaging our wills; however, willpower alone is not enough.

After his transformative moment, Paul cried out to the Lord in frustration because he continued to do the things he didn’t want to do and didn’t do the things he wanted to do. He committed to changing, but lacked the power in and of himself. Paul’s prospect of changing, as well as our own, is wholly dependent upon the grace of God as offered through Jesus. Yes, you read that correctly—God is the One who changes us!

Every part of the transformation process is dependent on God’s grace. When walking with another person through their personal epiphanies, we find it helpful to ask questions that uncover their understanding of God and the role of God’s grace in their change process. We might ask questions such as, “What do you need to hear from God about ______?” “If He said _____, how would that change things for you?”

It is God’s grace that conforms us into “the image of his Son” (Romans 8:29 ESV). Remember, “we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works” (Ephesians 2:10 ESV). The One who made us can be trusted to transform us progressively and decisively.

So, as we come alongside others to cooperate with what God is doing by His grace, let us go forward in confidence that “he who began a good work” (Philippians 1:6 ESV) in us will complete it, “to the praise of his glorious grace” (Ephesians 1:6 ESV).

Rolfe Carawan, MEd, is the President of LifeMatters Ministries, which focuses on discipleship, Biblical principles, and tackling relevant issues of our times, as well as the cofounder of Carawan Global Group. Inspired by his passion to relieve suffering and release potential, Rolfe brings his real-world experience and strategies to individuals in all walks of life. Known for his contagious enthusiasm, his coaching draws out the best in people, igniting a renewal of energy, engagement, and productivity, as well as successfully transitioning people through change, transforming human behavior, strengthening relationships, and overcoming generational gaps. His winning strategies have been developed over 30 years of successfully coaching, training, and motivating people. Speaking to organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits, Rolfe has spoken to nearly a million people throughout America, as well as audiences on four continents. He is an author (Profiles in Character and Character Revolution), teacher, coach, trained counselor, and uses experiential learning methods to create healthier relationships at home and work, effectively implement change, and strengthen communication. Rolfe is passionately committed to discipleship and helping people through the process of creating lasting change. He, along with his wife Lea, established Transformed Living. Rolfe has worked and volunteered his services in Brazil, Ghana, Israel, Ukraine, Russia, Canada, and Mexico. He is currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI) and is a certified DiSC Behavior Assessment Trainer and Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer. See more at: www.transformedliving.org

Category: blog

Anticipating Weakness

Fundraising as Ministry: Cultivating a Cheerful Giver

ABCs of Transformation Series: Freedom—Breaking the Strongholds

Truth Out of Context: God’s Purpose for Our Future

The Danger of Unhealed Hurts

Plan Making

Who Am I?

ABCs of Transformation Series: Freedom—Starts with the A-ha

An Ordinary Tuesday

Pretty Little Words

Happy Marriage? Better Life!

ABCs of Transformation Series: Freedom—As Simple as ABC

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