Assumptions, Principles, and First Steps in Coaching Single Adults

by Haley Scully on February 28th, 2025

Don’t Assume

As a single adult in my late 40s serving in ministry, counseling, and coaching, I have had many opportunities to hear the stories, hearts, and relationship goals of unmarried individuals. Recent Pew Research shows 40% of Christian adults (aged 30-64) are single. Our responses to and contentment with being unmarried vary greatly. However, in many of our experiences, the perceptions of unmarried adults in this age range tend not to vary greatly, especially in our local churches where a heartfelt focus is placed on families, those outside of this church-goer norm—married and having children—can feel awkward and out of place. A general perception is that there is something wrong with single adults. Are they broken? Are they weird? Have they gone through a tragedy? The truth is probably yes. We all have weirdness and brokenness in our lives. We all have probably gone through hard things. As you offer your skills and giftings as a life coach to single adults, here are a couple of assumptions to avoid:

Don’t assume there is a problem; there may be a purpose.
Don’t assume there is a purpose; there may be a problem.
As a coach, your best tool for discovering if your client is single on purpose or because of a problem is to ask good questions. Listen to their story. Has pain or have broken relationships impacted their status? Has there been a calling or duty in their life that has prevented them from marrying or led them in a different direction than marriage?
Don’t assume their relationship solution.
Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” Not every adult is made to climb a tree—some of us swim. Don’t assume God’s solution. Don’t make the mistake of thinking marriage is the goal. Marriage is a blessing; discipleship is the goal.

Adopt Principles

The above assumptions are not meant to bring condemnation on those of you who have said these things to single adults. I believe people mean well and they really want to encourage with their words. However, as a coach, you want to adjust your delivery and comments with compassion and understanding as you desire to build trust and rapport with those you serve. It’s not up to them just to “know what you meant to say” or “not be so sensitive.” If caring for, coaching, or loving the single adults in your life is important to you, then the following principles should be standards.

Don’t use clichés or trite comments in reference to their dissatisfaction with singleness.
Jesus was single. Paul said singleness is a gift. These are true statements, yet impersonalized biblical example encouragements are more likely to deflate than encourage. These statements imply that not only is your client single, but also failing in being like Jesus or living up to Paul’s exhortation. Instead, ask clients if they have found encouragement in Jesus’ example or in some of Paul’s statements on singleness. Let them unpack their position with you instead of you placing an expectation on them.
Don’t shame their emotions.
Here are four things I’ve heard said to me and to others that are meant to be an encouragement, yet often feel more like an admonishment.
- If you just have faith, God will bring you your mate.
  Singleness is not a punishment for lack of faith. Tying their circumstances or dissatisfaction in their singleness to a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity sets them up to think that God is holding out on them until they believe more or better. Marriage involves two people and multiple factors. One person’s faith does not manifest a two-person union. One person’s faith can impact their openness to receive and grow in new relationships. Focus on encouraging faith in God’s goodness as they seek His will and plan for their life.
- God’s timing is perfect. Maybe you or your mate just aren’t ready yet.
  No one is perfect, but hopefully all believers are learning and growing. Implying that single adults need to reach some level of readiness or holiness before God will lead them to marriage may cause them to be hard on themselves or believe that God is holding out on them until they get things right. It also implies all the married people were somehow perfectly ready for their mate, despite their flaws and sinful habits.
- You are never really alone.
  There are times when single adults will walk alone. I recently drove nearly five hours to be with my family as we laid my grandmother to rest. I know the Lord was with me, yet He didn’t drive the car while I cried. He didn’t physically hold my hand during the service. I am so thankful for His Word, and the Spirit, and worship music, and for friends and family who encourage me. Still, I had to walk out some of that time by myself—not spiritually alone, but physically, and in my grief, emotionally alone. Being alone is not a sin. Feeling that pain is not disrespectful to a relationship with Christ. Don’t twist the practical pains that may come with singleness and make them spiritual deficits of your client.
- As soon as you are content in your singleness, God will send you your mate.
  Where in Scripture does God say if you will just get content in your greatest pain, then He will change it? Just get content where you don’t want to be, then He will move you? Get content in your illness, then He will heal you? God’s goodness and blessing is not dependent on our contentment. However, our contentment is very much tied to our trust in Him. There are times when we grow to trust the Lord in circumstances to a point where we relax and, in a way, get out of our own way. Contentment unlocks our own closed doors, not God’s.

Don’t Take God’s Word Out of Context

This principle is probably the one that has been of greatest importance in my life and understanding of my singleness. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse is just one of many often said to people who are waiting on the Lord in various seasons of life. It is particularly used with single adults who “desire” to be married. Taking the liberty of applying Scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs.

Taking the liberty of applying Scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs.

As a transparent example from my life, I very much desired to have children. It is the great pain of my life and challenge to my joy that my path has not led to being a mother. My story is too long to tell here, yet ultimately, alongside this disappointment, I also very much delight myself in the Lord. My trust in Him grows, and my steps for Him are determined. And yet, there are “desires of my heart” He has not led me to fulfill. I had to wrestle with this verse, which has been spoken to me many times regarding marriage and having children, to align my experiences with what felt like contradictions to His Word. This verse does not promise marriage. Claiming this verse did not compel God to adhere to people’s application of it. The sincerity of people reassuring me that someday I would have children because that was my heart’s desire put a false hope in me that, for a time, damaged my faith in God’s goodness. Don’t set your client up to doubt His faithfulness in your effort to grow hope where He may not intend for it to grow. Don’t promise them what He hasn’t.

First Steps

We should not coach a person through their singleness and into new relationships without addressing their current relationships and considering the necessary skillsets that may need to be tuned or even acquired. Where are their successes? What attributes make them a success? What are their strengths in those relationships? What are their weaknesses? Help them grow in successful building and maintaining in the relationships they already have. As they align to what He has already given them—and seek His purposes for their life—the relationships they enter will have a better chance of developing from a place of health and freedom, not from need and dependence.

I came to a point in my life where I said, “Okay, God. You have not called me to be a wife or a mother. So, who am I? Who did you create me to be?” As I personally aligned myself to prioritize the relationships and goals God clearly ordained for me (follow Christ, love and honor my parents, be a good aunt, friend, coworker, etc.), that is when I began to really see God’s purpose and calling in my life. I began reaching for the goals He showed me. So far, that has not led to a husband and did not lead to bearing children, but my contentment is in knowing I sought the Lord for His plan, and I am convinced of His goodness in it. To be honest, this contentment does not always relieve the grief that comes with hopes deferred. However, the fulfillment I have in knowing that I am exactly where He has called me to be gives me incredible empowerment, peace, and even joy. Help your clients get healthy and align to God’s will in their existing relationships and seek Him for their next steps.

Don’t assume God’s solution. Adopt principles that respect single adults and His purposes for them. Help them align to what God has given them and allow Him to determine their path forward. We may want God to honor the relationship we think our clients need, but they will be the most fulfilled when they prioritize and seek the relationships that honor and align with the will of God.

Haley Scully, MA, is the Vice President of Strategic and Ministry Projects with Hope for the Heart. In 2011, she began her work in the ministry’s counseling department before moving into the international work. She serves to develop partnerships, coordinate resources and distribution methods, and provide basic counseling and care ministry training for church leaders and parachurch organizations in over 25 countries around the world. Haley concurrently helps provide leadership for professional development initiatives that include training and resourcing Christian caregivers, life coaches, and counselors. She earned her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications from Oklahoma State University and Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Haley is passionate about connecting hurting hearts to hope in Christ and the practical application of God’s Word to their everyday lives. She is a speaker, author, trainer, and serves as a guest host on June Hunt’s live, one-hour, call-in counseling program, Hope In The Night.

Do You Yearn for Reconciliation?

by June Hunt on February 24th, 2025

Personally, I know the pain of a broken relationship—the hurt, the heartache, and, oh the agony! Yes, I know the longing for a restored relationship—for pure heart-to-heart connection—only to have reconciliation denied. No matter how hard I tried or how much I prayed, the relationship was never restored. And it took years for my heart to heal.

However, I also know the intentional commitment to achieve a reconciled relationship—with wrongs fully forgiven, hurts wholly healed, and the pain of the past remaining completely in the past. I consider a reconciled relationship a gift from God—a gift of grace from the God of all grace.

The Keys to Lasting Reconciliation

This kind of reconciliation doesn’t “just happen.” Lasting reconciliation requires a commitment of both quality time and quantity time within the relationship. This kind of focused attention involves:

processing the pain from the past,
changing wrong attitudes and actions,
forgiving what was fracturing, and
rebuilding a new relationship based on renewed trust.

Lasting reconciliation requires a commitment of both quality time and quantity time within the relationship.

Years ago, my mother’s secretary whispered, “June, I think you need to see this.” She handed me my sister’s doctoral dissertation. Within moments I read: “My mother and sister are the epitome of everything I do not want to be.” Well, I knew I was not my sister’s favorite person, but why the animosity? I simply could not understand her anger. Yet when she spoke angrily to my mother (or about her), I felt silently angry! Often, I tried to defend Mother, although my defense never worked.

Over the years, I have sought to stay on safe topics, avoiding the two “hot potatoes”—politics and religion. Occasionally my two sisters and I have insightful talks about our dysfunctional family growing up. (They are four and five years younger than I and aligned in most of their views.) One day the younger said words to this effect, “There’s a reason I cannot accept Christianity like you and Mother. The Christian teaching on submission is wrong. Mom submitted to Dad, yet look how he mistreated her!”

Of course, I agreed, abuse is always wrong—certainly according to the Bible. Still, I didn’t know how to bridge the gap between us—how to find the road to reconciliation for us. Meanwhile, when my intelligent, winsome sister became a US Ambassador, I flew to our nation’s capital for her swearing-in ceremony and wrote a fun song for the occasion. She loved it! Yet, I thought, I can’t really reach her heart. I know she doesn’t respect me. What can I do?

Invest in What She Holds Dear

It’s true, I couldn’t reach her, but I could reach out to those she loves—to her daughter and son. So back in Dallas, I hunted for three kinds of items: funny, “Americana,” and inspirational. I hoped the American-looking gifts would tap into their patriotic pride—especially living so far away from home. (Soon I felt like a Santa with my sacks of inexpensive gifts.) Then I wrote individual notes to go with each gift for my niece and nephew. Eventually, two gift-wrapped remembrances traveled overseas every three weeks for the four years of my sister’s appointment.

During her last year, she surprised me with a letter I will never forget: “Thank you for the kindness you’ve extended to my kids over these past difficult years. The gifts you’ve sent them have helped us stay well-connected to the family. In spite of the miles, the personal interest you’ve shown has been very meaningful to them. Our own relationship has blossomed in recent years—due to your tending. I appreciate this more than I can say.” Clearly, those years of investing in what my sister holds dear paid amazing “dividends” by putting us on the path to reconciliation.

Look for Common Ground

Later, after returning stateside to teach at Harvard, she invited me to speak at her conference: Core Connections – Women, Religion, Politics. Again, I was surprised. What subject should I select for an audience of 200? Obviously, I wanted a topic that connected with her; therefore, I chose Domestic Violence.

The beginning of my presentation was unusual: “Although I am a Christian, I don’t expect anyone else here to be one. However, I want you to write down certain Bible verses that will equip you to help victims of domestic violence—wives who assume they must submit to abusive husbands. Instead, you will help them discover they have a biblical right to move out of harm’s way.” Then I presented Scriptures such as, “Do not associate with one easily angered” and “A hot tempered man must pay the penalty. If you rescue him you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 22:24, 19:19). Ultimately, through this conference, many eyes were opened to the relevance of God’s truth—including the eyes of my sister.

Realize, if we have ruptured relationships with division and divisiveness, we need to discern: What is the stumbling block? Occasionally, I literally ask this question. As with my sister, the biblical teaching “Wives submit to your husbands” was the stumbling block. So I shared with her the words immediately preceding this verse, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Therefore, in the context of marriage, there should be mutual submission (see Ephesians 5:21-22). Then, I made sure she had our published book Domestic Violence—There’s No Excuse for Abuse.

Recently my sister said, “If you love me, love my family,” and she added, “June, you’ve done this. You visited my daughter in the hospital, you took my son into your home helping him find his way, you dedicated your book (Caring for a Loved One with Cancer) to my husband before he died of brain cancer.”

Learn Her Language of Love

Long ago, I recognized my need to learn another’s language of love. Since my sister’s favorite flower is the iris, I gave her an attractive mug adorned with an iris. She plays the harp, so I bought her a CD of soothing hymns on the harp. She also plays the piano, therefore most things musical will ring her bell. She adores Stanley, her green parrot, so I sent “Fascinating Facts on Parrots.” Whether locating items on mountain climbing or empowering women, I enjoy finding anything that speaks her language of love.

Even though we typically “cancel out each other’s votes,” for months we have engaged in “L&L Political Conversations” (her idea—note mine!)—to Listen and Learn from each other. She suggested we each pick one topic to give a 10-minute uninterrupted presentation, concluding with one action step: What I will do. However, these talks mustn’t try to make us adopt each other’s position. I responded, “OK, as long as this won’t rupture our relationship.” At the end of my first presentation, she slowly said, “I have to agree with everything you’ve said—100%.” Amazing! And after her presentation, I admitted, “I didn’t know many of the points you just presented.” It’s listening and it’s learning—and it’s working!

To achieve reconciliation, I look for common ground. I seek to prioritize what is meaningful to my sister, including her initiatives such as fighting Sex Trafficking and Prejudice. In turn, she has given me resources for my writings on both these topics. Today, we have a reconciled relationship (even with our differences)—something I never thought possible. And I must add, what relief, what peace, and what hope for our hearts!

If a reconciled relationship is the desire of your heart, the Bible says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). Notice, it takes two to reconcile a relationship. You cannot force it, but you can pave the way for it. These biblical words have been my aim: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). As you do your part for reconciliation, rest in your relationship with the Lord. You can have a fully reconciled relationship with your Redeemer. Recognize that Jesus is not just “the Prince of Peace,” He will be your peace. When people around you are not peaceful, the Bible says, “He IS our peace” (Ephesians 2:14). With Christ living inside you, you can live in peace because of your reconciled relationship with Him. What could be more important!

June Hunt, MA, is the Founder and Chief Servant Officer of Hope for the Heart, a worldwide counseling and caregiving ministry that offers Biblical hope and practical help in more than 60 countries and 36 languages. The Keys for Living Library provides the foundation for the ministry’s award-winning radio program, Hope in the Night, a live, one-hour, call-in counseling program. Her passion to help others through Biblical counsel is fueled by her joy in seeing a life changed through Christ. As an accomplished author, speaker, and musician, June has been a guest on various national television and radio programs, including the NBC Today show. She has toured overseas with the USO and has been a guest soloist with the Billy Graham Crusades. See more at: www.junehunt.org

20 Questions to Help You & Your Clients Find Your Purpose & Calling

by Julian Castellanos on August 16th, 2024

As Christian Life Coaches, guiding clients to discover their purpose and calling is one of the most profound and fulfilling aspects of our work. The journey of finding one’s purpose is deeply personal, as it aligns with God’s unique design and plan for each individual.

Scripture reminds us that God creates each of us uniquely (Psalm 139:14), He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11), and He has given each of us gifts to fulfill His calling on our lives (Romans 12:6–8). Helping your clients uncover their God-given purpose can lead to a life of fulfillment, joy, and impactful service.

To aid you in this vital task, we’ve compiled a list of 20 practical questions that are valuable in helping clients explore and discern their purpose and calling. These questions are designed to spark introspection, encourage honest reflection, and ultimately guide individuals toward a clearer understanding of the path God has set before them.

20 Questions on Finding Your Purpose & Calling

1. What activities have been the most fulfilling to you – ones that brought you great joy and satisfaction?

2. When do you feel like you’re “in the zone” or “at your best”?

3. What has God clearly revealed to you in His Word about His purpose for you?

4. What would you like to spend more time doing?

5. What do you know should be a priority for you?

6. What is your greatest passion? (i.e. What do you love doing the most?)

7. What activities come naturally to you?

8. What activities/work have you been successful at accomplishing?

9. What have others noticed you’re good at doing?

10. What dreams, desires, or goals do you often think about?

11. What are your most important roles and responsibilities?

12. What are your God-given gifts and talents?

13. What current opportunities do you have?

14. What resources do you have at your disposal?

15. What do you really want out of life?

16. What problem in the world do you think needs to be solved?

17. What people do you have a heart for helping/praying for? (i.e. Who needs help?)

18. When have you felt like you’ve made a difference?

19. What would you like to be remembered for?

20. What do you want to accomplish before you die?

Helping Clients Find Their Purpose

Discovering one’s purpose and calling is a journey that requires patience, prayer, and purposeful reflection. By utilizing these 20 questions, you can help your clients delve deeper into their unique gifts, passions, and God-given talents. As Proverbs 19:21 reminds us, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”

Encourage your clients to seek God’s guidance through prayer and Scripture as they navigate these questions. As they gain clarity and direction, they’ll be empowered to live out their calling with confidence and joy, thereby making a meaningful impact in their sphere of influence. Remind them regularly that God has a unique plan for them, and that He will help them fulfill their purpose.

“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.”
(Psalm 138:8 ESV)

Finding Your True Identity in Christ

by June Hunt on January 9th, 2024

Note: Excerpts from Identity & Self-Image by June Hunt in the Keys for Living library

The topic of identity reminds me of a tale about an eagle . . .

A little eaglet falls to the ground from its nest and is found by a family of turkeys. They take the helpless bird under their wings and teach him everything he needs to know to survive. But the more he grows, the less he looks like them.

He tries hard to be a good turkey, but he’s unhappy. On several occasions, he sees mature eagles soaring high in the sky. Crushed and defeated, the eaglet grows up without ever leaving the ground.

One day, a wise owl says to him, “Who are you? What are you doing?” The eagle replies, “I am a bad turkey. I try so hard, but I just can’t do anything right.” The owl says, “Your problem is that you don’t know who you are. You’re an eagle, and eagles are meant for the sky.”

The eagle’s eyes are opened. He sees who he really is . . . who he is meant to be. The eagle finds the courage to try something he’s never done before. He stretches out his wings and flaps to the top of a tree to see his way to the sky. Lifting his wings, he rises with the currents of the wind—and he never looks back. The eagle can now do what he is meant to do . . . because he knows who he really is.

This little tale reminds me that confusion about your identity can impact your destiny. The whole trajectory of your life can be affected when you don’t understand who God created you to be.

Defining Identity

If someone were to ask: “Who are you?” . . . What would you say? Most of us would state our name and then describe ourselves by what we do, by our profession: “I’m a teacher.” “I’m an accountant.” “I’m in sales.” But what happens if you can no longer teach or no longer work as an accountant or a salesperson? Is that really who you are?

Thankfully, name tags, professions, and pedigrees are never necessary with God. He has no need to ask who you are because He knows you even better than you know yourself. He formed your heart and fashioned you Himself.

Do you know the first thing God says about humanity—about you? It’s perhaps the most important truth to know about your identity and your worth: “God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness . . .’ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:26–27).

You are made in God’s image—it’s the first thing God tells you . . . about you. This truth is foundational to your identity, self-image, and worth. The Bible describes God as infinitely beautiful, glorious, and majestic. There is nothing greater than God. And you are made in His image! You therefore have inherent, unchanging, and immeasurable worth.

When you are “found in him,” everything changes. The identity you receive in Christ far outweighs any other identity you may have. Your gender, your family, your age, race, culture, school, job, accomplishments, status, and hobbies may all reveal important aspects about you—but they are not where your ultimate identity is found. Your identity is to be rooted in Christ.

Your Identity in Christ

You are loved.
“God loves you and has chosen you to be his own people” (1 Thessalonians 1:4 NLT).

You are chosen.
“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes” (Ephesians 1:4 NLT).

You are accepted.
“Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory” (Romans 15:7 NLT).

You are redeemed.
“But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you . . . he who formed you . . . ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine’” (Isaiah 43:1).

You are precious.
“You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you” (Isaiah 43:4 NLT).

You are forgiven.
“You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins” (Colossians 2:13 NLT).

You are cleansed.
“But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:11 NLT).

You are renewed.
“Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT).

You are empowered.
“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3).

You are gifted.
“In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well” (Romans 12:6 NLT).

You are useful.
“We are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10).

You are blessed.
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ” (Ephesians 1:3 NLT).

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ENCOURAGEMENT FOR COACHES

Consider how these biblical truths about our identity in Christ can be transformative for you and those you coach, mentor, disciple, and help. Remember, you can only give what you have received, so embrace these truths in your own life. Accept God’s grace, forgiveness, and love for you, and pray that He would give you His strength, wisdom, and kindness to share with others.

Tag: June Hunt