Where in the World Are These Women? – Part I

by Alita Reynolds on September 12th, 2022

A New God Goal: Will You Join Me?

I have a new God goal. Let me explain. Trust me. Everyone is reading who you are, whether you are talking or not. You are sending a message at all times, whether or not you realize it. People watch you, whether you like it or not. Let me start by asking two questions.

What is your message?
Is it evident to others that you are a disciple of Christ?

One of my mentors, Dr. Eric Scalise with the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI), recently shared a story. His story inspired me, and I know it will inspire you too! While Eric was in college, he worked part-time at a grocery store. After being employed there for over a year, a gentleman who regularly delivered and stocked various brands of cookies to local grocery stores, asked Eric a question. He asked, “Are you a Christian?”

Because they had never spoken together before, Eric was unsure where the delivery man was going with the question. He slowly replied, “Yes.” The delivery man followed up with, “One of those born-again kind?” Again, Eric responded, “Yes.” And then, the delivery man gave Eric the ultimate compliment when he said, “I thought so. I’ve been watching you.”

After hearing Eric’s story, I wrote this down: “NEW GOAL: I want others to know I am a disciple of Jesus just by them watching me.” In all reality, I think this is a pretty tall order. Is it because I want others to recognize me? No! I want others to recognize Jesus in me . . . all the glory goes to Him and Him alone.

I could give you a list of many ways I will fail at this goal. However, I still feel so compelled to aspire toward it. Will I reach perfection? Nope. Do His mercies begin afresh every morning? Yep! Lamentations 3:23 says, “Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” Because of my failures, this promise and truth from God keep me wanting to draw closer and closer to Jesus every moment. He continues to forgive. He is gracious and merciful. When I mess up and don’t get it quite right, I get to start every single morning again.

Who we are in Christ will always speak much, much louder than who we say we are! So, when someone says to you, “There is just something different about you! And I want whatever it is that you have!” They are recognizing Christ in you. Will you join me in aspiring toward this new goal?!? Be the light so when people are watching you, THEY SEE JESUS!

Where in the World Are These Women?

I always wanted amazing, godly friends who would be there for me when life was complicated and when I needed to share my heartaches . . . friends who would lift my arms up when I needed it. I asked myself: Where in the world are these women?

I saw women who would believe for great things for one another. I would hear stories of women praying for their friends, fervently praying with their friends for something they were believing for in their lives. And I asked myself: Where do I find these friends?

I longed for a friend who would simply send me a note of encouragement for no particular reason. Maybe she just sent it because the Holy Spirit whispered to her that I needed a special gift of encouragement that day. And I asked myself: Why don’t I have this friend?

I saw others with beautiful friendships, so close, authentic, and loving. And I kept asking myself: Why don’t I have her in my life?

So, what did I do? God showed me that if I was to have these godly women, who are genuine, true friends, I had to be the friend I prayed to have. It seems pretty basic, right? Yet, was I doing this? Was I being the friend I also prayed to have? I started by praying for God to transform me into the woman who would be the wonderful friend I was looking for in my own life.

I have said before, “Don’t just surround yourself with good friends. Surround yourself with godly friends!” Quotes like this always make it sound so easy, right? The author of this quote (who happens to be me!) MUST have it all figured out. Well, not exactly. If you asked me how to live out this quote in my life years ago, my response would be, “I’m not sure.” However, I have learned a little bit over the years, and so I thought I could walk you through some questions as a starting point. Let’s begin with this one.

What does a godly friend look like?

Life is all about relationships first. Unfortunately, we so easily get caught up in our own lives, agendas, and desires, that we often forget this simple truth. We are to love God first and then love people. “Jesus replied, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matthew 22:37–39). When we look for godly friends, do we see this quality in them? Is God first in their lives? Do you see them loving others? Look for a friend who loves God first and then loves others with a 1 Corinthians 13 definition of love.

We will finish this conversation in Part II by addressing two more questions and discussing how one of our deepest desires is for genuine relationships. We must continue the venture of finding godly friends in our lives. We were created for these relationships. I can’t wait to share more with you next time.

Alita Reynolds is the Foundational Voice for Women of Faith, a 25-year ministry that has impacted millions of women around the world to live victoriously in Christ. She and her husband, GJ, now oversee and steward the organization. Alita also hosts the Women of Faith Show, is an ICCI Master Life Coach Trainer, writer, and sought-after speaker. Together, she and GJ have a goal to inspire and grow an authentic and loving community, and to see sisters in Christ lock arms and support one another. For more, see www.womenoffaith.com

From Mourning to Morning: Coaching through Grief and Loss

by Eric Scalise, PhD on September 5th, 2022

The phone call on a Sunday morning between church services was a bit unusual, but I could hear the distress in my friend’s voice. “Can you please come to the funeral home right away? We need to talk with you.” I rushed out of the church and as I drove, my mind was racing as I tried to decipher his words, wondering what had happened. After pulling into the parking lot, I walked quickly into a small chapel and saw the couple sitting in the front pew. They were clutching each other, their eyes red with tears. My face begged the question and the reply was heart wrenching. Jenny, their precious newborn daughter had just died of SIDS. It was Mother’s Day.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his/her parents is called an orphan. However, there is no word for a parent who loses a child – in fact, there is usually a loss of words. I am comforted by the reality that God, the Father, knows what it feels like to lose a Son. Grief can only be experienced when there has been the loss of an intimate relationship with a person or some other object of concern and/or affection. It is an active, intentional, decision to face the pain of the loss. Grief is a normal response that often includes feelings of intense sorrow, anger, loneliness, depression, and possible physical symptoms. More often than not, it takes enormous courage and resolve to work “through” rather than merely attempting to work “out of” the process. Hudson Taylor, the great missionary who almost single-handedly opened up China to the gospel, lost his beloved wife to cholera a week after she gave birth to their son, who also died. In his, anguish, Taylor refused to eat or even leave the gravesite for days as he wrestled within himself and with his God.

Rarely are there easy answers to events that seem so inherently tragic and untimely. Rape, suicide, murder, abduction, children with cancer, sexual abuse, the death of a spouse, divorce, natural disasters, a mastectomy, sudden income loss . . . the list is endless, the pain is often crushing, sleep becomes fitful, and questions constantly intrude into our waking moments. The most human of all questions is simply, “Why?” Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now? Unfortunately, it is difficult to find answers to these questions, much less answers that offer a measure of satisfaction or relief. Perhaps there is some comfort in knowing that Jesus Himself cried out in great pain at Golgotha, pleading with His Father to answer a why question, only to be met with apparent silence. Scripture describes our suffering Messiah as a man of sorrows and One who is acquainted with grief (Is. 53:3).

A crisis leading to grief can be real (an unexpected death), anticipated (notification of a pending layoff at work), or imagined (a psychotic break), but under any of these conditions, the potential impact is essentially the same. While grief, loss, and suffering are universal, how a person approaches them is often individual and unique. C.S. Lewis in his book, The Problem with Pain, wrote, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscious, but shouts in our pain. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world” (p. 91). In times such as these, God has so ordained His body, the church, to provide a healing community for those whose burdens are too much to bear alone. The prevalence of grief and loss issues that are often associated with everyday life, represent a significant priority for most people helpers. As life coaches, these are wonderful opportunities to see the pieces of a broken world slowly knit back together again into a tapestry that proclaims God’s restorative compassion and care.

The dark night of the soul can be overwhelming at times and consume our will to survive the emotional storm. I have had clients who will describe their grief and pain as feeling chained within the confines of a dungeon and being engulfed by the darkness. It is in that lonely and isolated place that a spirit of fear can gain a strong foothold in a person’s life and do so with devastating effects. Whether it is a fear of what lays ahead, the fear of changes that may come as the result of the loss or the fear of the unknown, one common denominator seems to be oriented towards a secondary loss . . . the loss of control.

Here is my definition of fear: it is the darkroom that develops all our negatives. In other words, fear is usually a dark place where negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors give rise to destructive forces in a person’s life. There is only one thing I know of that can stop a developing photograph in its tracks . . . light! This is because light penetrates and darkness does not. As life coaches, it is critical that we carefully and genuinely bring the light of God’s Word into the lives of those we serve. Indeed, it is a, “lamp to our feet and a light to our path” (Ps. 119:105). When the Lord illuminates areas of the heart, it’s almost never to condemn the person or give them a greater burden of guilt or shame to carry around. It usually means He is getting ready to perform divine surgery and this is for a healing or restorative purpose. Everything becomes visible when exposed to the light (Eph. 5:13). Otherwise, the darkness causes fear to grow. It’s only a monster under the bed until the light is turned on. When the light of God’s Word or Spirit pierces the dark areas of the heart and mind, fears are often rooted out along with the negative thought patterns and behaviors that are associated with them.

We grieve because we love and oftentimes, love hurts. The words of the psalmist bring comfort to many who likewise have proclaimed that even though, “weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning” (30:5). Likewise, we have an encouraging hope from the words of Jeremiah: “For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow” (31:13).

Eric Scalise, PhD, LPC, LMFT, currently serves as Senior Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer (CSO) with Hope for the Heart, an international Christian counseling ministry offering biblical hope and practical help. He is also the President of LIV Consulting, LLC, the former Senior Vice President for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), and former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 42 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health, higher education, and organizational consulting fields, as well as having served six years on the Virginia Board of Counseling under two governors. Specialty areas include professional/pastoral stress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, grief and loss, addictions and recovery, leadership development, and lay counselor training. He is a published author (Addictions and Recovery Counseling and Lay Counseling: Equipping Christians for a Helping Ministry), adjunct professor at several Christian universities, conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues. As the son of a diplomat, Dr. Scalise was born in Nicosia, Cyprus, and has also lived and traveled extensively around the world. He and his wife Donna have been married for 41 years, have twin sons who are combat veterans serving in the U.S. Marine Corps, and four grandchildren.

Eric Scalise, PhD, currently serves as Senior Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer (CSO) with Hope for the Heart. He is also the President of LIV Consulting, LLC, the former Senior Vice President for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) and former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 42 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health field, and he served six years on the Virginia Board of Counseling under two governors. Specialty areas include professional/pastoral stress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, grief and loss, addictions and recovery, leadership development, and lay counselor training. He is a published author, adjunct professor at several Christian universities, conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues.

I’m Not Listening

by Steve Siler on August 29th, 2022

Back when my wife and I were living in California, we used to attend a church in the Van Nuys area. It was a wonderful, diverse community with many extraordinarily talented people among the congregants. Because of its proximity to Hollywood, many well-known actors and singers attended there. Even among the “regular” folks, there was an abundance of talent; and the music, regardless of style, was always a highlight of the service.

There was a musician there named Bill Thomas. He was extremely talented, but what really set him apart was his incredibly positive attitude. He always had a smile for everyone. What stuck out most of all about Bill was that he was always interested. Every time I would approach him, he always wanted to know what was going on with me. Whenever I tried to compliment him on how he played a piece of music, in no time at all he would have me talking about myself. One time when he got an acting role in a major film, I was determined to make the conversation about him. Yet, true to form, Bill had me talking about myself again. Bill made people feel important by putting others above himself. He was good at being interested.

We can’t listen if we’re talking about ourselves. Do you remember Al Franken’s old Saturday Night Live routine? He would start out by talking about an issue that affected everybody. Then he would say, “I know you’re all wondering how this affects me . .. Al Franken.” That’s the way a lot of us conduct ourselves in our conversations. While the other person is talking, we’re busy planning in our head what we’re going to say as soon as they finish their next sentence. In our minds, essentially, we are thinking, “I hear what you’re saying, but here’s what I think about that,” or “I hear what happened to you, but just wait until you hear what happened to me!”

In so doing, we can easily dismiss someone when they are trying to share something that is really important to them. We can miss the signals, not even realizing the person is trying to open up their heart to us. We can make them feel like they don’t matter. How do I know this? Because I have done it. How recently? Oh, probably yesterday—and that’s only if it is still the morning today.

It’s bad enough I do this to other people, but it doesn’t end there. I do it to God too. I get on a roll in my prayers and I give Him an earful. I can just see God thinking, “Steve, Steve, don’t you remember Psalm 46:10? Be still and knowthatIam God.”Let’s face it. Being still is not something we do very well in our contemporary culture. We have allowed technology to take away the margins of our lives. Down time? In this age of the “I” devices (I-phone, I-pad, I-pod), we’re available all the time. This can make it easy to fall into a self-serving, narcissistic loop where it becomes all about “I.”

If, as Scripture commands, I am going to love my neighbor as myself, first of all must put down my phone and look my neighbor in the eye. If I want people to feel valued—the way I felt valued whenever I talked to Bill—then I need to say less and listen more. And if I’m going to be still and know that God is God, then I am going to have to occasionally quiet myself in prayer, let go of my agenda, and seek God’s voice and face. Because if I’m talking, I’m not listening.

Steve Siler is the founder and director of Music for the Soul, a multi-award-winning ministry using songs and stories to bring the healing and hope of Christ to people in deep pain. An accomplished songwriter and music producer, Steve has had over 550 of his songs recorded. He won the Dove Award for Inspirational Song of the Year with “I Will Follow Christ.” His nine number one and 45 top 10 songs include “Circle of Friends” and “Not Too Far from Here.” Steve has spoken at the National Right to Life Convention, the American Association of Christian Counselors, and The National Center on Sexual Exploitation Summit, among others. He is the author of two books: The Praise & Worship Devotional and Music for the Soul, Healing for the Heart: Lessons from a Life in Song. You can learn more about Steve and Music for the Soul at www.musicforthesoul.org.

Branding Your Coaching Business or Ministry

by Jill Monaco on August 22nd, 2022

When I started coaching, I knew I wanted to help people be who God created them to be. When someone asked me to describe my coaching approach, my mind went blank. I can help all kinds of people, I thought. If we try to help everyone, we will help no one. If we try to reach everyone, we will reach no one. You get the picture.

So, what is a new coach to do? How do you develop a “brand” that reflects you when you are still learning who you are as a coach? Maybe you haven’t chosen a niche yet, and life coaching seems incredibly general. Or perhaps you’re not the creative type to care about colors and fonts. It’s funny that I now help coaches create their brand and develop their marketing strategies. I spent years (and thousands of dollars) taking courses to figure it all out for myself. I love consulting coaches to discover the best practices and avoid common mistakes.

And now, I am excited to share those nuggets with you!

TELL YOUR STORY

Your brand should accomplish two main things:

Brand yourself
Brand your business or ministry

Your brand should be clear in these three ways:

It shows people who you are and what you do
It creates trust and confidence
It inspires people to take action

Your brand should tell your story and emotionally connect to your audience. This “secret sauce” will attract the right client, and you will enjoy coaching them too. You will be set apart from those who offer similar services if you accomplish these things. In addition, this will position you as an authority in the space/niche you have chosen and, over time, will build your reputation and gain referrals.

SERVING VS. SELLING

I like to think of branding and marketing as serving. We serve others; we don’t sell to others. It means knowing what kind of servant you are and whom you are called to serve. Selling has a hustle feeling that says, “Other vendors are selling the same exact thing, and I need to work harder to get the customer.” In contrast, serving has a blessing upon it because it models after Christ. And remember, Jesus did not have to brand Himself—His works did that for Him. So, as you serve, your brand will emerge.

BRAND YOURSELF

Consider that you are your business or ministry, so as you go about your day, you represent who you are and what you do, even when you’re not trying, for example, at every family function, riding on an elevator, and even when you are eating out. Naturally, people will ask you what you do, and you want to be ready with a brief, yet descriptive, reply, but do not discount what you show them just by being you. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

What do you do best?
What do you value and stand for?
What makes you unique (e.g., skills, talents, passions, experiences, messages)?
What struggles have you overcome?
What words describe you?
How is God opening doors for you in this space?
What sets you apart from other coaches?
What makes you different?
What value do you bring to a client or the coaching process?
What do you offer that no one else does?

BRAND YOUR BUSINESS OR MINISTRY

Once you know who you are, you can start to look at whom you are uniquely positioned to serve. You will think about your ideal client and your unique offer. It’s tempting to look at other coaches and say, “That’s exactly what I want to do.” However, God has not made two people exactly alike, so you have something special to share. This is the fun part, where you meet with God and learn more about your purpose, your calling, and the impact He wants you to make. I like to say an authentic you is better than a copycat expert. More questions to ponder:

Whom do you want to serve and why?
What impact do you want to make?
What do they complain about?
What kind of life do they want?
How are they describing their need(s)?
What are their habits, goals, and fears?
What isn’t being addressed and how can you fill those gaps?
What is your niche?

BRANDING TO-DO LIST

Other things will reflect in your branding and the decisions you’ll need to make along the way. You will create a cohesive brand story that represents who you are and what your business or ministry stands for in every touchpoint of your business. Here are a few things to think about:

Your Mission and Vision statements
Your business/ministry name and tagline
Logo
Trademark
Colors and fonts
Website
Programs, resources, and freebies
Email list
Social media

Your brand will have elements that evolve and change over time as you grow. However, your brand needs to be consistent with where your clients interact with you. If you do the “heart” work, as well as the “hard” work, you’ll see it pay off and serve many people.

Ambassadors of Reconciliation

by Eric Scalise, PhD on June 27th, 2022

Not long ago, I was sorting through a drawer full of odds and ends—items long forgotten—and a small, clasped envelope drew my attention. When I opened it up, a flood of memories swept over me. The envelope contained all of my father’s passports. He was a diplomat with the U.S. State Department, and as his son, I was given the opportunity to have a front row seat to the intriguing world of international diplomacy, living abroad, and interacting with other cultures.

My father’s first embassy was in Tehran—not long after the CIA helped put the Shah into power in 1953. He met and married my mother there, and six kids later our family finally returned to the United States where he finished his distinguished career in the nation’s capital. I was born in Nicosia, Cyprus (I think that’s why I like the Apostle Barnabas so much – he was a Cypriot). Having also lived in Singapore, Bolivia, Germany, and Iceland, I find myself deeply grateful for some amazing life experiences . . . not to mention always doing well in world geography (smile).

During a high school government class, I wrote a paper on what it means to be an ambassador, and I interviewed my father for the assignment. Years later, after I had come to Christ, I found the paper in a box of old schoolwork my mother had saved—moms do this sort of thing. What amazed me were the biblical parallels that came through the interview with my Dad, concepts I had never really seen (or understood) before.

The title of ambassador is actually derived from a Celtic word that means “servant” and was first applied in this manner by Charles V in the middle of the 16^th century. Another word used years ago defined the person as a “plenipotentiary,” or one who is “a diplomatic agent vested with full power to transact business.” You and I are no different. All authority in Heaven and on the earth was given to Jesus (Matt. 28:18) and He vested it with us so we may transact His business.

In a world where there is so much brokenness and pain, we see marriages struggling, families in pain, and lives and relationships being torn apart. I believe the concept of ministry falls under the umbrella of reconciliation—though there are many facets and variations. This is a view Paul reinforces to the Corinthians: “Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation” (2 Cor. 5:18-19). Paul then lays out God’s design to accomplish this purpose when he says, “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God, were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God”(vs. 20).

What about you and me? Do we see ourselves as God’s ambassadors . . . to our family members and loved ones, to our spouses and children, our coworkers, friends, and neighbors . . . those who need to experience reconciliation? Some people we know may need to be reconciled with God, some may need to be reconciled with others, and frankly, some may need to be reconciled with themselves. If the Church desires to move closer toward a more just and compassionate society, it must take place one life at a time through people who are willing to stand up and be counted. Christians are uniquely positioned to demonstrate the affirmation of life, the upholding of human dignity, the cultivation of love for others, and the sacrifice and service of self-denial. The truth is we have been given a wonderful opportunity to represent Christ as His ambassadors, so let’s take a closer look at some of the qualities and character traits that define this important role.

Ambassadors are Chosen. The Scriptures affirm this truth, “. . . you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light” (1 Pet. 2:9). It is the prerogative of any president, ruler, prime minister, or king to handpick ambassadors. It is a high and prestigious honor, and an ambassador is often referred to as the “Chief of Mission” in another country’s capital for the purpose of establishing diplomatic ties. The “choosing” comes as an outgrowth of the relationship between the ambassador and the one whom he or she serves. Similarly, as Christian ambassadors, we have our commission from the Lord because it flows from being in relationship with Him. We have been given definite instructions, a definite task, and a definite assurance of His unfailing and continuing presence. We did not choose God; He chose us (Jn. 15:16). We have been handpicked and He made us a kingdom of priests and rulers, so we should likewise, “be all the more diligent to make certain His calling and choosing” (2 Pet. 1:10).

Ambassadors are Faithful. When it comes to showing honor toward a sovereign leader, ambassadors are known for their loyalty, a quality usually demonstrated over a period of time. Faithfulness also matters to God, and He knows someone, “who is faithful in that which is least, will also be faithful in that which is much” (Lk. 16:10). God encourages His ambassadors to take steps of faith so they can be given greater responsibility in kingdom work. Solomon understood this principle when he wrote, “a faithful envoy [another word for ambassador] brings healing” (Prov. 13:17). The privilege of bringing a spirit of reconciliation to others in the name of Christ is often given to those who have first been faithful in the little things.

Ambassadors are Trustworthy. Another way of phrasing this trait is to say an ambassador is worthy of trust. Trust, like faithfulness, is an earned commodity, and for ambassadors who primarily do their work apart from the one who appointed them, they must have the implicit trust of their president, prime minister, king, etc. First Corinthians 4:2 says, “It is required of stewards that one be found trustworthy.”

Ambassadors are Entrusted. Ambassadors are given a mission and have a clear understanding that they are not supposed to represent their own worldviews, ideas or philosophies, but those of their king, ruler, or president. The same holds true for us: “But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not as pleasing men but God, who examines our hearts” (1 Thes. 2:4). In a ministry of reconciliation, we have been entrusted, not with our own initiatives and plans, but with the Gospel of Christ, to faithfully represent the kingdom and principles of a sovereign God. Equipped with both grace and truth, we must therefore endeavor to represent Him well at all times. Our words and actions at home, the workplace, in school or church, and where we live, all matter greatly.

Ambassadors are Dignified. Ambassadors are typically viewed as dignified individuals of high character. This implies they have the willingness, ability, and humility to “rise and walk above the fray” by not allowing the self-serving desires or the ambitions of others deter them from their sense of mission. Merriam-Webster defines character as a “mark or distinctive quality; ethical traits individualizing or distinguishing a person or group; moral excellence; or a device placed on an object as an indication of ownership, origin or relationship.” Paul indicates that the believer, “belongs to Christ” (1 Cor. 3:23), and if you think about it, because we belong to Him, we are the “object” of His love. He has placed Himself within us through the agency of the Holy Spirit to indicate both ownership and relationship. Therefore, “In all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach” (Tit. 2:7-8a).

Ambassadors are Wise. Have you ever noticed that ambassadors are usually careful and deliberate in their choice of words and in their demeanor? They understand how and when they speak is just as important as the content of the message. If we want to tell others about balanced living, healthy relationships, biblical principles, or introduce them to the King of Kings, we must possess the necessary wisdom in how to share it, for, “the tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable” (Prov. 15:2), and “A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel” (Prov. 1:5).

Ambassadors are Sent Out. Finally, ambassadors are commissioned to go somewhere and represent their country and its leaders. Jesus modeled this reality when, “. . . He called the twelve together, and gave them power and authority over all the demons and to heal diseases. And He sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God, and to perform healing” (Lk. 9:1-2). The truth is, ultimately, this present earth is not our home. Heaven is our home and God is our King. Just as He was sent into the world, so He now sends us. Some to their families… some to their schools or places of work… some to their local neighborhoods and communities… some to positions in government… and some, like ships that set sail, to foreign lands with different cultures and peoples. Harbors are safe places, yet they are not what ships were built for.

Everywhere ambassadors go in the world, every place they step foot, is considered to be the sovereign territory of their home country. This is why the killing of an ambassador is often viewed as an act of war. As Christians, everywhere we set foot—as salt and light—becomes the sovereign territory of God Himself. He grants authority to us as believers and this authority is always greater and more effective than the exploitation of power. Otherwise, our diplomatic immunity (the authority to overcome evil with good) becomes diplomatic impunity (spiritual pride and arrogance).

Francois de Callieres, ambassador at large for France in the late 1600s, and heralded for refining the art of diplomacy, articulates an almost biblical view of a person’s calling as an ambassador:

He must therefore divest himself, in some measure, of all his own sentiments, and put himself in the place of a Prince with whom he treats; he must as it were transform himself into this person, take up his opinion of things, and his inclinations, and then, after he has known the Prince to be what he is, let him say thus within himself: If I were in the place of this Prince, with the same power, the same passions, and the same prejudices, what effect would those things produce in me which I have to lay before him? (de Callieres, 1708).

Christian servant leaders also derive their power and ministerial authority from a “Prince,” the Prince of Peace. By God’s grace, may we hold that honor in high esteem at all times.

My Plans vs. God’s Purpose

by Dan Chrystal, MBA on June 13th, 2022

Have you ever had one of those moments when your plans were suddenly interrupted? My wife and I recently joined a city softball league. Our purpose for doing so was to place ourselves in the position where we needed to be an influence for Christ, get to know others in the community, and network.

Picture it . . . June 2014 . . . while playing shortstop, the bases were loaded. There were two outs. A 240-pound right-handed batter steps up to the plate. The next 30 seconds after he walked up to the plate and planted his feet ready to hit the softball, my mind was racing. I was planning my move if the ball came to me. All I needed to do, depending on where the ball was hit in my vicinity, was stop the ball and toss it to second or third base for the last out. I would be the hero of this half of the inning! I was ready.

First ball over the plate was too high. Ball. Second ball over the plate was just right. The 240-pound slugger swung and missed. Strike. The third ball was thrown. Every muscle on this batter tensed as he poised himself. He swung hard, connecting with the ball. The distinct sound of aluminum hitting cork, yarn, and leather echoed. The ball was headed straight for me bouncing along the dirt. My adrenaline started pumping. I was already feeling the elation of getting that last out. I stepped up to meet the ball, placing my glove in the scooping position. Then it happened. At the last split second before my glove made contact with the ball, the ball hit the ground and bounced straight up making direct contact with my face. The force was so hard it knocked me back. I grabbed my face and fell to the dirt. Later that evening, others would tell me the sound was eerie as leather connected to skin and bone.

My thoughts instantly changed from “hero of the inning” to “How will this affect my future?” I started anxiously churning my mind. My thoughts rapidly fired, “I don’t have insurance. Potential for high medical bills. We cannot pay for this. Did I break a bone and need to have surgery? Will I lose sight in that eye? I’m going to have one MAJOR headache tomorrow. Will my face be deformed? Will I still be handsome for my wife (as if I already was to begin with)? Will I be able to play softball next week? Or any sports ever again?”

One thing happened for sure. I was not playing the rest of that game. This injury knocked me out of the game. My plans were superseded by the reality of a softball to the face. Over the next few days while resting after the injury, I started to question WHY this happened to me. Although I do not really know the “reason” for it, I have attained some clarity regarding our calling as ministers.

As ministers, we are all on the same team. We may live in different parts of town, cities or even states, but we are still on the same team. We may be credentialed through different denominations or organizations, but we are still on the same team. The unfortunate reality is we act as if the Bible-believing, teaching church just down the street is our market competition. In the Sacramento region, there is a growing movement of unity (not uniformity) where several hundred pastors are coming together every quarter. Their purpose is to discuss topics that transcend denominational boundaries. Also, twice a year, pastors from all over the region gather in order to unite “Christians, churches and their pastors throughout the Sacramento valley to partner in using their unique gifts and God-given passions in order to see a regional move of God.” (http://leadinginthesetimes.com/about/ ). We may have differences in ministry, but we cannot allow those differences to segregate us from each other. We will accomplish more when we understand the barriers and work together to overcome those barriers. The world will know God loves them when we exemplify the love we have for each other.

In our current positions, we play a vital role, and we should train and try to plan for the future so we can be the best in that role. There is a fundamental flaw in the phrase, “There is no ‘I’ in team.” A team is any group of two or more individuals working toward a common goal. Notice the word “individuals.” We come to the team individually with different backgrounds, unique in our own way, with our own set of strengths. It is extremely important to add value to the team. In order to be a valuable part of any team, we need to be healthy spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. The place where God has you is strategic. Study, work, prepare, and show up every day with the expectation that you will give it your all.

Sometimes we may start to think we are the “star player” on the team. It could be the church you serve has had some wins recently. Maybe your local church has been growing and you are experiencing a season of abundance. Each service gets better and better. People are excited about the progress. New visitors are coming every week. People are getting saved and baptized every month. The trend over the years has been to elevate this scenario, interview the pastor about what he or she has been doing, and encourage others to emulate the steps this church has taken, hoping for a similar outcome. This is equivalent to thinking this church or pastor has become a “star player.” There are principles that can be taken from their positive results. However, the danger is thinking this church or pastor is being favored more highly because of the results of the ministry they oversee. Getting back to softball, the role of a shortstop is very different than a first base player, the pitcher or any other position. The shortstop may seemingly be in the limelight because of how many balls have been stopped, caught or thrown to first for the out. The reality is there are more right-handed batters than left. More than likely, the shortstop will see more balls hit their way than other positions. It doesn’t mean the shortstop is a better player or the star player. The key question is, are we all individually preparing for the role we will play, no matter what the size of our church or ministry?

Things happen in life that can knock us out of the game. Local church ministry is difficult. Let’s face it. Pastors are expected to be engaging every week, available 24/7, and the local expert on theology, relationships, and church management. This can take its toll on anyone. Sickness could enter the picture. A life-threatening illness may present itself. A sudden accident could happen. Any one of these items could knock us out of the game. What will we do when one of our teammates gets knocked out of the game? Have we developed a relationship with the one who has been affected? It is our responsibility as part of the body of Christ to care for those who have been knocked out of the game. How will we respond when a church in our community (other than the one we attend) is going through difficulty?

We can be so focused on our next move, we forget about the importance of what is currently in front of us. When I was reaching for the ball, I wasn’t thinking about stopping the ball. I was already thinking about throwing it. If I had been focused on the ball instead of where it would go next, I may have avoided the injury. In local church ministry, it is quite easy to get focused on the next event, the next series or the next service. The pitfall here is we can completely miss the opportunity right in front of us. Just like the grounder that took a nasty turn toward my face, any situation in our lives can take a turn for the worse. It can take us by surprise and potentially knock us down. It is okay to think about our next steps, but not at the expense of our current step. What is happening right now in ministry that requires our attention? Has something happened that has taken you by surprise and changed your plans? This could be God ensuring His purpose will prevail.

When something as shocking as “a softball to the face” happens, it quickly brings you back to reality. The only response I could have had to the injury was to rest, recover, and reset according to the purpose God had in mind. I had forgotten God’s purpose for my involvement in the softball team. It was not to be the star player. It was to be an example of Christ, His love and mercy. Has something happened to you that has snapped you back into reality? Have you been focused on your own plans for local church ministry that the WHY of what you are doing is lost? What is God’s purpose for your church in your community? Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Sometimes in the ministry our plans are superseded by reality, but God’s purpose will still prevail. What is that reality? We have limitations. We will make mistakes. We will lose sight of WHY we are in the ministry in the first place. When I started in the ministry over twenty years ago, I had grand plans. I was going to take the city for Jesus, this community, every youth in junior and senior high. Then life happened—deaths, sicknesses, hospital visitations, relational issues between church members, business decisions, bills, theological debates. I became discouraged. Oh sure, I was still striving, but my plans were superseded by reality.

Through the softball injury, God opened a door for me to be an influence to more people as they came up to me in the weeks following and asking how I was doing. God’s purpose prevailed. A conversation began with one of the guys on my team that I pray opens the door for him to accept Christ. We have had several discussions regarding how God has spared his life and is calling him to a relationship. I do not believe I would have had this opportunity if I had not been knocked down.

What is the reality that supersedes our plans? It is the Lord’s purpose. His purpose and desire are for us to love Him and love each other. He is also patient: “He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent” (2 Peter 3:9 NLT). Our plans may include building a large church or ministry. God may even grant this for some of us. However, what is the Lord’s purpose for this large church or ministry? His desire, no matter what size church or ministry—and I am cautious here because I do not pretend to speak directly for God—is to be an enduring example of His love, His grace, His mercy, His justice, and His Word.

We are not alone. We have each other. We have the companionship available to us in the lives of those whose call to serve in the ministry is clear. We can learn and grow together. We can embrace our vulnerabilities because they are what make us dependent on God’s grace. “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT). When we lead by our strengths, we leave ourselves susceptible to losing sight of God’s purpose. Over time, we can lose the WHY of what we do. We can become so entrenched in HOW we do ministry (methodology). We can become bogged down in the WHAT of ministry (programs, service order, etc.). We can become distracted by WHO’S WHO in the ministry. This takes our eye away from the WHY of ministry. The WHY is this: Love God above all others. Love your neighbor as yourself. In order to fulfill His purpose, we need a steady, persistent perseverance. We need to build and model healthy relationships. Develop relationships with other pastors, churches, and ministries in the area. They are on the same team.

Play our position to the best of our ability, embracing our vulnerabilities and weaknesses, because His power works best in our weakness. Play for the greater purpose of the entire team, to extend God’s love and to show the world God loves them by personifying His love with each other. When our plans take precedence, they can become blinders keeping us from fulfilling God’s purpose. We are the avenues God has chosen to carry out His purpose. When we become a blockade to His purpose, there could be a softball headed our way.

My prayer is that our churches, pastors, ministers, and their leadership will not need to experience “a softball to the face” moment that knocks them down and potentially out of the game. My prayer is that we can get to the point of relationship with each other where pride and ego do not get in the way of our effectiveness together. My prayer is also for us to develop relationships with each other that bring mutual healing and health and to fall in line with the Lord’s Prayer. The Lord’s prayer is that, “We will experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me” (John 17:23 NLT).

Dan Chrystal, MBA, is a husband, father, author, speaker, and life coach. He has over 28 years in executive leadership and relational coaching, including six years as an administrative officer of a large faith-based nonprofit organization and also served as the Director of Sponsorship and National Church Relations for Bayside Church in Roseville, CA. Dan is passionate about helping others love their neighbors as themselves, and is a dedicated life, career, and couples’ coach. He holds an MBA in Executive Leadership from Purdue Global University and is currently studying Law at Purdue Global University Law School. Dan’s ministry experience spans almost all pastoral positions. He is a committed student of “Relationship” and believes deep, meaningful relationships are God’s design for us. He is the author of Lost Art of Relationship and Discussions for Better Relationships. For more, see Dan Chrystal – Book Author – Discussions for Better Relationships | LinkedIn

I’m Right – You’re Wrong

by Dwight Bain, MA on May 30th, 2022

Understanding how to manage power struggles effectively helps move away from needing to put winning an argument ahead of saving a relationship. “Right fighting” is the term psychologists use to describe the process of arguing to prove “who” is right in a heated debate. These hostile conflicts have been growing in frequency and intensity in many homes for the past several years. Families have been in bitter disputes to attack their relative’s beliefs about political, cultural, and pandemic related issues, often shattering the relationship in the process.

As reported to Reuters News Service: “My son specifically told me, ‘You are no longer my mother, because you voted for that guy’.” Our last conversation was so bitter I am not sure we could ever reconcile… the damage is done. It is sad. There are people not talking to me anymore, and I’m not sure that will change.”

The fight to prove what someone believes to be best for millions of people in the country has rippled over into private homes—separating mothers from daughters, brothers from sisters, and fathers from sons—making people so angry they are willing to permanently end a relationship to prove the point. What can a life coach do to turn the conversation away from attacking and toward connection?

Many have never seen such high levels of open hostility in their family, and it appears to be getting worse. What is causing these continual arguments? COVID fears appear to have magnified normal family conversations over cultural, religious, and political topics. Many Americans were already feeling overloaded from the pandemic, and the continual stress of debating cultural issues makes them feel like they are drowning in bad news. When this happens, it leaves a person feeling very alone while facing an uncertain future to make major decisions. This “decision fatigue” leads to an overload of emotion.

Here are some common emotional reactions to conflict.

Anger

This can lead to violence or impulsive decisions. People who feel violated in a debate may turn to dumping volcanic levels of anger at someone or something to find relief for the pressure inside. Verbal explosions will be common. This can lead to devastating decisions, impulsive rage, or using the wrong words in front of the wrong people and losing credibility or worse, losing a family member. This can happen in men or women, young or old, but it is usually seen in more extroverted personalities who tend to blow up. The most dangerous situation is when an angry group of people get together to express their anger because all that rage does not lead to constructive actions. Venting rage in a relationship is like pouring gasoline on a fire. It explodes and makes things worse.

Anxiety or Apathy

This is a more serious reaction since it can lead to everything from distress to the early stages of depression or panic. Stuffing emotions inside is like burying them alive, so they just keep building up; yet, instead of blowing up and out, they blow in. This leads individuals to feel emotionally numb and often can cause them to commit a series of very quiet, but very harmful self-destructive acts—eating for comfort, drinking to numb the pain, gambling, watching porn, hooking up with the wrong partner to try and forget about their fears of the future, or just refusing to answer the phone and closing the mini-blinds and checking out on life like a hermit hiding in a dark cave. Darkness will not make the fear go away, but it may lead to feeling like an emotional prisoner with no hope of escape.

Acceptance

The healthiest choice to manage conflict triggered by cultural debate is acceptance. Learning to take responsibility for what is happening at your house, instead of debating about the White House, is how to solve conflict. You cannot change an entire country, but you can manage the pressures of your own life. This is where coaches can shine. Guiding a person away from the conflict toward relationship connection is the goal. My mom always taught me to pray instead of panic, and the same is true in high-conflict situations. Find comfort and strength in the spiritual values of peace and connection by listening to other people with compassion, instead of ignoring what they are saying to win a point. You can make your relationships more important than winning an argument. It takes confidence in our faith to live out what the writer of Hebrews challenged: “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:23–24). By shifting our priority from winning an argument to making and preserving the connection with another person, we model our faith in ways that may lead to greater conversation about why we are choosing the path of a peacemaker. This shift could spark a discussion about faith in Christ, which is transformational.

Dwight Bain, MA, is the Founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. He helps people rewrite their stories through strategic change and is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. Since 1984, Dwight has helped thousands of people across America as a Keynote Speaker, Certified Leadership Coach, Nationally Certified Counselor, and a Critical Incident Stress Management expert. He is a trusted media resource on managing major change and has been interviewed on hundreds of radio and television stations, has been quoted in over 100 publications, and is the author of Destination Success: A Map for Living Out Your Dreams. See more at: www.dwightbain.com

Now What? Colleges, Careers, and Life Choices

by Eric Scalise, PhD on May 16th, 2022

My wife and I remember the day quite well. Our identical twin sons came home from school one afternoon—only a couple of months before their high school graduation—and announced they had decided to enter the United States Marine Corps. The terrorist attacks of 9/11 were still fresh in our nation’s psyche and military operations were already underway in both Afghanistan and Iraq. As parents, we had visions of college and “safe” jobs with a future. When I sat down with our sons, I wanted to make sure they clearly understood all the inherent risks associated with the decision (i.e., a parental lecture), including the reality that Marines, in particular, are usually the first to go into any combat environment. One of my sons looked at me and calmly said, “Dad, how do you know God might not be asking me to die for my country?” End of conversation; now, we dialogue with God on our knees.

When parents observe their teenage sons and daughters wrestling with important choices pertaining to the future, it can be tempting to step in and “do the work” for them. Perhaps this is because of the tendency many parents have to vicariously derive at least part of their own identities and worth through the lives of their children. Mothers and fathers must allow their children to establish a measure of ownership and accountability. A fundamental axiom of human nature to keep in mind is that people usually take better care of what they think belongs to them, including their decisions. For some, it means finding the right career path with job security and for others, the desire to simply live out their dreams. However, it is equally important for parents not to take for granted that young people are automatically informed consumers. The critical key is to find a healthy orientation between providing useful information and guidance and then balancing that with personal responsibility.

The years between 18 and 24 are often characterized by a heightened awareness of identity development. Typical questions might be: Who am I? What do I really want to do in life? What am I good at? What and who is important to me? This process establishes the foundation for one’s unique individuality, which is then more fully expressed during later adulthood. From a developmental perspective, several important tasks must be addressed by young people. These include achieving an adaptive autonomy from one’s parents; formulating a healthy gender identity; internalizing an appropriate set of values, beliefs, and morals; and making primary career choices. Although the process is often seen as influenced by familial, social, and school-based factors, the concept of spirituality as it relates to career development is becoming increasingly relevant because of the complex, transitional dynamics and interconnectedness normally associated with this period in a person’s life.

In addition to understanding normal developmental stages, there is a need to acknowledge that the 21^st century is increasingly characterized by globalization, the management of information, rapid technological advances, and sociocultural change. It is a fast-paced, push-button, instant everything world. While many young adults are still motivated by potential paychecks, altruistic needs remain high on the list, especially for the millennial generation. The implication is that young people entering the workforce have a significant desire to seek meaning, purpose, and fulfillment from their roles. Indeed, the word vocation is derived from the Latin “vocare” which means “to call.” For many, their career paths are not merely something they do, but also incorporate a deep and passionate sense of calling.

For young adults to effectively navigate these sometimes-turbulent waters, research continues to focus on the importance of self-efficacy as a good predictor of proactive career decision-making. Self-efficacy typically refers to an individual’s ability to successfully approach tasks associated with making choices and to engage them with a high degree of confidence and commitment. Positive family and social support are often difference makers. Young adults need to have the freedom to explore their options, to ask their questions, to develop their self-identities, and to do so in an atmosphere of support and respect.

As John Trent and Gary Smalley point out in their timeless book, The Gift of the Blessing, not very much has been written about how young adults or their parents should approach the reality of leaving home. The authors, drawing on the Old Testament concept of “blessing” among Jewish families, describe the process as incorporating the elements of meaningful touch, a spoken message, expressing high value, something that pictures a special future, and an active commitment to see the blessing come to pass. They further identify certain home environments where the blessing can become distorted. Reasons include an inequitable distribution in how love and affirmation are expressed, when the blessing is placed out of reach, where the blessing is exchanged for a burden, when the home is more like an emotional minefield, where unfair family roles are in operation, and where only part of the blessing is received. The good news for parents is that there are often ongoing opportunities to affirm and bless children, at least in terms of self-concept and in giving permission to rewrite their life scripts.

God Himself recognized the need and value of affirming His Son. As John the Baptist was lifting Jesus out of the Jordan, God’s own voice lovingly expressed His approval and said, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17, BSB) When our two sons headed off to boot camp at Parris Island, South Carolina, 17 summers ago—knowing that for a time, they would be outranked even by the mosquitoes there—we simply said, “We love you. We believe in you. We bless you. We are so proud of you.” The letting go process is crucial to the cycle of life, and while harbors, much like homes, are usually places of safety and comfort, they are not what ships were built for. May we always keep the next generation in mind and pass the baton with grace, wisdom, and a joyful blessing.

Can You Hear Me Now?

by Rita Murray, PhD on May 4th, 2022

Communicating Across Generations

Generational gaps between us in the workplace are growing both in number and in size. The ability to spot and bridge them has become a critical competency for leaders, life coaches, and more. Our current obsession with digital connectivity has certainly changed the nature of communication and given all of us far more options to reach out to others. It has also spurred conflict in the workplace, as many millennials feel held back by inflexible or outdated working and communication styles. What are the roots of this conflict? Different generations tend to favor and rely on their preferred communication tool. Check out these differentiating insights.

Traditionalists – Born between 1920 – 1946

In the 40’s and 50’s, there was a model of fixed working time and place suited to the industrial age. Communicating face-to-face had a known human element to it—no anonymity. Families gathered around the radio for news and entertainment. Farm and assembly machinery represented the type of work equipment this generation encountered and used most frequently.

Baby Boomers – Born between 1947 – 1964

In the 60’s and 70’s, computers were too big and expensive for home use. Businesses used mainframe/minicomputers to process data for decision-making. Younger “Boomers” discovered “dumb terminals” in college and high school where they keypunched code and solved certain kinds of problems.

Generation X – Born Between 1965 – 1980

This generation was shaped by a culture of gadgets and tools in the 80’s and 90’s, foremost among them was the personal computer (PC) introduced in the early 80’s. This innovation helped foster a sense of personal and private initiatives among “Gen Xers.” Portable for use in homes and schools, the PC became a way to gain a competitive edge in an expanding global economy.

Millennials – Born between 1981 – 2000

First wave Millennials (born 1981-1990) entered a workplace of browsers, email, the World Wide Web (WWW), Windows, cable television, Google, and WiFi . . . learning together how to connect and communicate. Second wave Millennials (born 1991-2000) gained greater autonomy over where, when, and how they worked through various “smart” devices. Thus, the line between work and home has become increasingly blurred, and most prefer to communicate electronically rather than face-to-face or over the telephone.

Cloud Generation – Born since 2001

Smart personal devices and social media tools have always been available anytime/anywhere to members of the Cloud generation and their “the sky’s the limit” orientation. Expect accelerated and intense clashes over communication as more than eight in ten of this generation say they sleep with a cell phone by their bed. A generational lens provides a powerful and easy-to-use “set of handles” to actively engage in asking, discovering, observing, exposing, and communicating vital information and ideas relevant to maximized engagement across the generations. Healthy relationships require deep and meaningful personal connections. Our Generation Translation Workbooks and Interaction Guides help you learn more about these generations and how best to use that information to improve relationships and increase your own effectiveness. Everyone benefits. It’s never too late to get started on refining your generational intelligence (GQ). Can you hear me now?

Rita Murray, PhD, is the Founder and Principal of Performance Consulting, LLC, an organizational development firm, previous CEO and Chairman of a national energy services company, cognitive psychologist, Certified Speaking Professional (CSP), executive coach, and sought-after leadership consultant. She has held leadership roles at GE and Lockheed Martin, and is also a private pilot. Rita frequently speaks at leadership events and conferences and is highly regarded for her ability to connect personal and interpersonal development with the needs of business and with mobile and virtual technology. She has a particular gift for explaining the different perspectives of each generation and personality types to create a bridge of understanding toward healthier business relationships and ultimately a stronger bottom line. Rita resides in Moore, Oklahoma, with her husband, Ron. See more at: www.performanceok.com

Second Half Romance: The Best Is Yet to Come

by Eric Scalise, PhD on April 18th, 2022

Irish poet, Oscar Wilde, once said, “Men always want to be a woman’s first love and women always want to be a man’s last romance.” My first date with my wife was an absolute train wreck and something I have worked diligently to erase from my memory banks. As I recall, everything that could go wrong . . . and more . . . unfortunately did. I spilled popcorn and soda on her at the movie theater, accidently turned right into two lanes of oncoming traffic when we pulled out of the parking lot, and inadvertently left her standing in the rain after we finished having a bite to eat. Why? Because I lost the car keys. Yes, this all happened in one glorious evening, and that’s not even the whole story. Of course, my beloved maintains I was distracted and merely falling hopelessly in love with her, but I just didn’t realize it yet.

When we went on our second date—two years later (honest)—things went considerably better. We began to fall in love and I knew she was “the one.” I also remember our first kiss. I thought a gentleman would certainly ask, so I looked at her nervously and said, “May I kiss you?” This was followed by total silence. Ladies, this is definitely not playing fair. I waited a few seconds and then said somewhat haltingly, “May I please kiss you goodnight?” Again, nothing but complete silence. My graduate education had simply not prepared me for this critical relationship moment. What did I do? I responded a little tongue-in-cheek and said, “What’s the matter . . . are you deaf?” To which she immediately replied, “No . . . are you paralyzed?” The rest, as they say, is for marriage conferences and articles on romance. Our love grew, we eventually married, and this year we will celebrate our 42nd wedding anniversary—still the best of friends, lovers, and soul mates.

Human beings were created in relationship, through relationship, and for relationship. Why? So God could reveal Himself and we could know Him. In his letter to the Romans, the Apostle Paul writes, “That which is known about God is evident within us; for God made it evident to us. For since the creation of the world, His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made” (vv. 1:19-20). Later, Paul provides additional context in Ephesians 5:32 as a “mystery” which is revealed through the holiness of marriage—an institution representing a tangible metaphor regarding the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church.

Let’s pull the curtain back for a moment and go to the beginning of the story. Genesis opens with a palette of unlimited splendor, a breathtaking expression of the Creator and His nature. Much like an artist, God steps back and takes perspective—His passion and glory emerging on a canvas that was once empty and void. There are words of light and life spoken before the darkness. The design is good. The joy is definitive. This is followed by a crowning achievement: His image bearer formed out of the very dust of the earth, and behold, it is very good. He “breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being” (Genesis 2:7).

Then the determination is made that something is not good—man is alone and has no expression for the beauty and intimacy found in the Trinity. Imagine for a moment you are walking with the Lord in the Garden during the cool of the day, enjoying conversation and fellowship with your Creator, when He looks at you and comments it is not good for you to be alone. Had we been there, we may have wondered about the meaning of this peculiar statement. Surely, with God’s literal presence, we could never be or feel alone. Yet, He was speaking about our very nature. The truth is we were designed in such a manner that we also require human relationship along with the divine.

God was not done yet. Woman was fashioned out of Adam, “Male and female He created them” (vv. 1:27). Marriage is acknowledged as part of the heavenly blueprint, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (vv. 2:24). The stain of sin has yet to mar the finished work, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (vv. 2:25).

One flesh—the physical union between a man and a woman—is symbolic of our capacity for the koinonia demonstrated between God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. It is a sacred intimacy at every level—full of unabashed pleasure, joyful celebration, total commitment, and mutual sacrifice, and devoid of all guilt, shame, self-centeredness, malice, jealousy, and unrighteousness. Here, within the sanctity of marriage, we can now see the image-bearers expressing the covenantal agape originating in and through the Image Giver. The relationship is to be held in honor and the marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4).

The intimacy of marital relationships is profound and holy from a Christian context. It can be viewed as the bringing together of all the attributes of God once again, into a place of perfect unity and love. No wonder Satan hates this imagery and will do anything he can to destroy the beauty of God’s design. Every marriage, especially those which honor the Lord, as well as every union between a believer and the Savior, are visible reminders God is One.

So what keeps a relationship and, more importantly, a marriage vibrant, healthy, and full of committed love? For many couples, the second half of their married life together is represented by what Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, described in his seventh stage of psychosocial development: Generativity vs. Stagnation. Erikson stated, “A person does best at this time to put aside thoughts of death and balance its certainty with the only happiness that is lasting: to increase, by whatever is yours to give, the goodwill and higher order in your sector of the world.” Here, adults express the need to fashion or nurture things that will outlast them (e.g., by having children, creating a positive change to benefit other people, sustaining meaningful relationships, impacting the kingdom of God, etc.). Success in these endeavors can then lead to a sense of usefulness and fulfillment, while failure often results in a more superficial, and occasionally more destructive, involvement with the surrounding world.

Some of the primary questions related to this period of generativity are the following: Will we produce anything of real value? What will our legacy be? What can we do to establish and guide the next generation? Stagnation, on the other hand, is characterized by self-absorption and a dissatisfaction with one’s relative lack of accomplishment and productivity. Perhaps nothing relationally (apart from one’s faith walk) embraces more potential when it comes to these two constructs than the formation of an enduring marriage. There is a long history in the research literature base supporting the notion that the relationship between marital quality and global well-being differs between men and women, with men placing greater value on marital status (the content or individual components of the marriage), and women on marital quality (a sense of overall marital satisfaction). In many ways, marital happiness contributes more to global happiness than most other dynamics (e.g., work, friendships, leisure activities, etc.).

Building the right foundation during the first half of a marriage is a key factor when it comes to cultivating an environment for success in the later years. Many researchers and mental health experts assert that both intimacy and the ability to communicate well on an emotional level are critical to overall marital satisfaction. Kindness and generosity also show up as factors again and again. Love, passion, romance, commitment . . . these things are like fire and, if you think about it, the nature of fire is to go out. Fire consumes everything available and, once the source of fuel is exhausted, it will often die down and go out on its own. This is why firefighters go ahead of an advancing wildfire and start a controlled burn in what is referred to as a backfire. The theory suggests if the source of fuel is eliminated by the time the main fire arrives, it will be easier to extinguish, or perhaps even self-extinguish.

Marriages and marital dynamics can function exactly like fire. If a husband and wife—who have primary responsibility before God in this matter—are not separately and jointly putting the necessary “fuel” on the relationship (e.g., time, attention, kindness, a servant’s heart, date nights, patience, humor, friendship, joint decision-making, forgiveness, a sense of ownership, etc.), then there is a greater risk of love, as the primary fuel, running low or even running out. When differentiation (a healthy and balanced sense of self and personal identity), a lack of emotional cutoff (a willingness to engage with one’s partner), and reduced emotional reactivity exist between a husband and wife, marital satisfaction increases over time.

The broader conclusion from the research on marital stability and satisfaction demonstrates that religious practice and integration do play significant, positive roles between husbands and wives. The Psalmist calls people “blessed” if they “delight in the law of the Lord.” How true for any couple. Their marriage “will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in due season and its leaf does not whither” (Psalm 2:1-3). So too with second half romance. Rejoice in the wife (or husband) of your youth and you will never stop loving, serving, cherishing, laughing, and praying with your best friend (Proverbs 5:18). Christianity, often captured in the symbolism of marital union, is a wonderfully romantic love story about the passion and desire of God for relationship. “And now these three remain, faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

Ambushed by Anxiety

by Georgia Shaffer, MA on April 4th, 2022

One coaching client emailed me saying, “I’ve lived with stress all my life; however, I’m not handling it as well as I used to. I need tips on how to walk out of my office, even when there are still plenty of items on my ‘To-Do’ list. I need to learn how to shut off my brain at night so I can sleep. I’m not only more anxious and tired, but having more headaches.”

In highly motivated people like this woman who emailed me, I have found it is often anxiety or feeling chronically overwhelmed that not only zaps their energy, but also interferes with their ability to focus and their overall wellbeing. For many, it is easy to get trapped in a negative cycle that results in a poorer quality of life. Of course, with the pandemic today, people are struggling with fear more than ever.

Obviously not all anxiety is detrimental to our health. These kinds of feelings can also motivate us to take action. Nevertheless, constant anxiety and unresolved stress are what research suggests lead to increased moodiness, insomnia, high blood pressure, headaches or a compromised immune system.

You can help yourself resolve some of the overwhelming anxiety by first asking yourself multiple questions. Could I be trying to do too much? Is this just a difficult, challenging time? Do I need more sleep? Or . . . is the issue deeper?

I knew the particular client I mentioned above had been gradually working later and later into the night. Her most productive hours, however, were in the morning. Working longer at night allowed her little time to relax. Since she went to bed tense, she had problems falling asleep. The next morning, she often felt sluggish and had difficulty concentrating. When she did not meet her deadlines, she anxiously worked later, attempting to catch up, and in doing so, continued her nonproductive cycle.

For her, the solution was to begin by leaving the office earlier, then allow more time to wind down at night before she tried to go to sleep. She found that she slept better and was more productive at work, even though she spent less time there. Once she broke the habit of working late, she experienced a dramatic improvement in her ability to rest and productivity.

Maybe you struggle with anxiety, but in a different way. Perhaps you know what you need to do, yet are paralyzed and unable to change. For example, my client told me, “I know I’m not eating well or exercising regularly, but I’m stuck. I know what I need to do, but I can’t seem to do it. I’m only becoming more anxious and then I self-medicate with more junk food.”

As a coach, I was able to empower my client by giving her support, encouragement, and accountability. Together, we broke things down into ordered doable steps. She made the first step simple and easy, and focused on that. Then she focused on the next step on the list. Each step of the way she was encouraged to challenge her self-doubts and negative thinking and celebrate her progress while continuing to be held accountable for the goal she had set.

Listed below are a few additional few tips you can use to help a client overcome toxic anxiety or improve your overall health and productivity.

Learn to Unclutter Your Mind
A cluttered mind is an anxious mind. An uncluttered mind has room to hear God’s voice and experience His presence. Like Martha in Luke’s Gospel, our minds can be filled with all kinds of demands and deadlines. Like Mary, we need to make the choice to clear out the junk and make space for our Lord and His wisdom, peace, and love.
Seek Peace through Prayer
In Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT), Paul says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Make a list telling God exactly what you need. Then make another list of things God has done for which you are grateful. Give God both lists, resting and trusting in Him to be with you and guide you throughout the day.
Stay Connected
Being connected to people who will encourage you is critical in managing toxic worry. Whether you talk with a coworker, a loved one, or caring friend, you will feel better if you are able to verbalize your frustrations and concerns to a good listener rather than stewing over them alone.
Let Go of Your Agenda
A desire to control your life and make things happen according to your timetable leads to more tension, stress, and exhaustion. Instead of holding tightly to your agenda, choose to surrender it all to God.
Rest, Eat Well, and Exercise
If every little thing overwhelms you, then it is always time for some rest and good nutrition. It is amazing how much smaller your problems appear after a satisfying meal and a good night’s sleep (See 1 Kings 19:1-9). Any activity requiring physical exertion—lifting weights, jogging, cleaning the house, and digging in the dirt—can release endorphins and reduce anxiety.

Georgia Shaffer, MA, is the Founder and Executive Director of Mourning Glory Ministries, a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) with the International Coaching Federation. She has authored five books, including the best-selling Taking Out Your Emotional Trash. Georgia is a sought-after speaker, has been a media guest on numerous outlets, and developed the ReBUILD after Divorce Program. For more than 25 years, she has encouraged, counseled, and coached those who are confronting troubling times. From being a cancer survivor who was given less than a two percent chance of living, as well as someone who has personally faced the upheaval brought by divorce, single parenthood, and the loss of career and income, Georgia knows the courage, resilience, and perseverance needed to begin anew. When she is not writing, speaking, or coaching, she enjoys working in her backyard garden. It is there she loves to garden for her soul. See more at: www.georgiashaffer.com

Confessions of a “Control Enthusiast”

by Rita Murray, PhD on January 24th, 2022

“Hi, I’m Rita and I’m a control enthusiast.”

The concept of psychological “type” proposes that one of the first things we notice about others are certain behaviors in the ways they orient, speak, approach, and/or present themselves (i.e., what they make public). Of the four MBTI® (Myers-Briggs) scales, this blog, this confession, is about the fourth scale.

What about you? Do you prefer a structured, orderly, controlled, and well-planned lifestyle (Judging) . . . OR do you prefer a flexible, spontaneous, freedom-loving, and adaptable lifestyle (Perceiving)?

These two psychologically opposite approaches are the most “dramatic” and are at the root of more conflict between two people than the other three scales. Compare and contrast these “public” approaches:

Judging (J) – “the control enthusiast” – This person is self-regulated and self-disciplined (i.e., uses checklists, is goal achievement oriented, watches the clock, checks the list, and monitors their calendar as they seek closure through control by the elimination of all surprise). They are also more directive and formal in their approach. Judging types tend to speak in a decided/closed and declarative voice, favoring the use of words ending in “ed” (e.g., decided, planned, finished, concluded, etc.).
Perceiving (P) – “the freedom-lover” – This person is flexible, pressure-prompted, non-directive and adaptive (i.e., seeks to stay open through the freedom of alternatives and options, gets their sense of control by being time-flexible and process oriented, and makes choices only when they are necessary). Strict plans are kept to a minimum, decisions are avoided or put off, and it’s difficult to settle on one direction or plan. They are also more facilitative and informal in their approach. Perceiving types speak in a more questioning/curious tone, filled with “in-process” words ending in “ing” (e.g., planning, deciding, finishing, concluding, etc.).

Is it possible that process-oriented and pressure-prompted Perceiving types may be at higher risk for academic, life and love, and/or business failure? You be the judge. At the core of Judging (J) is the need for “control” – of time, of space, of self, and of others. At the core of Perceiving (P) is the need for “freedom” – in time, in space, for self, and for others.

Personality type differences demonstrate that a Perceiving approach to the outer world is different than the Judging approach, not necessarily better or worse. Your MBTI results indicate your preferred way of doing certain things. It’s not designed to measure emotional maturity, intelligence, psychological or mental health disorders. And while type preferences influence the behavioral habits we develop, type theory suggests that in any situation, we have the following choice: use our innate preferences or decide that it’s more appropriate to use the non-preferred opposite:

Too much Judging and not enough Perceiving, which leads to prejudice OR

Too much Perceiving and not enough Judging, which leads to procrastination

A Confession: I am grateful I gained greater awareness of my natural, innate preferences in my mid-twenties when I completed the MBTI, absorbed the book Gifts Differing, and validated my preferences. For the first time in my life, I had an objective lens to fully realize, embrace, and understand the “pathways and pitfalls of a control enthusiast.” It was the start of this lifelong journey of developing Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and practicing “humble inquiry,” a process gained through knowledge and observation, to study others and treat them with respect regarding their preferences and, most importantly, to help me “flex” and use my non-preferred opposite when it’s more appropriate. And, when I do lose my joy, this understanding of being a control enthusiast helps me relax and often laugh at myself. It also helps that I married my emotionally intelligent Perceiving husband, Ron. We innately and respectfully use type language every day as we navigate our “public approach to life” differences.

Control Enthusiasts unite and support “Perceiving voices” . . . Too many Perceiving voices are silenced by the Judging ideals of control enthusiasts. Join me and champion the message that flexible, less-structured, and more spontaneous strategies are also effective, and, for Perceiving types, they are indispensable. What about you? What is your preference – J or P? . . . Remember, you can and do use both preferences at different times and in different situations, but which one of these, Judging or Perceiving, is your public face to the world?

Note: Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and MBTI are registered trademarks of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Trust in the United States and other countries

Rita Murray, PhD, is the Founder and Principal of Performance Consulting, LLC, an organizational development firm, previous CEO and Chairman of a national energy services company, cognitive psychologist, Certified Speaking Professional (CSP), executive coach, and sought-after leadership consultant. She has held leadership roles at General Electric and Lockheed Martin, and is also a private pilot. Dr. Murray frequently speaks at leadership events and conferences and is highly regarded for her ability to connect personal and interpersonal development with the needs of business and with mobile and virtual technology. See more at www.performanceok.com

Category: Uncategorized

Where in the World Are These Women? – Part I

From Mourning to Morning: Coaching through Grief and Loss

I’m Not Listening

Branding Your Coaching Business or Ministry

Ambassadors of Reconciliation

My Plans vs. God’s Purpose

I’m Right – You’re Wrong

Now What? Colleges, Careers, and Life Choices

Can You Hear Me Now?

Second Half Romance: The Best Is Yet to Come

Ambushed by Anxiety

Confessions of a “Control Enthusiast”

< Attention >

Where in the World Are These Women? – Part I￼

From Mourning to Morning: Coaching through Grief and Loss￼

I’m Not Listening

Branding Your Coaching Business or Ministry

Ambassadors of Reconciliation

My Plans vs. God’s Purpose

I’m Right – You’re Wrong

Now What? Colleges, Careers, and Life Choices

Can You Hear Me Now?

Second Half Romance: The Best Is Yet to Come

Ambushed by Anxiety

Confessions of a “Control Enthusiast”

< Attention >

Where in the World Are These Women? – Part I

From Mourning to Morning: Coaching through Grief and Loss